Moving forward

[DnJ]

Hello Mike

I agree, having FIL, especially given how infirm he is, will place a lot of stress upon the household.

Years ago, I had my parents live with us for four months. They had moved to our town and I was renovated their new home to make it wheelchair accessible. Basically, gutted the place and built the interior with a design for older people. With wife, four kids, a home run daycare, and my parents under one roof - that was a long four months.

Dad and Mom lived in their home for some years until Dad’s condition worsened to the point he required more care than the home care nursing program was able to provide. Holidays were really problematic, as well as storm bound days when roads were closed.

All home care situations need a backup plan, which was Mom or me. As Mom aged she became less and less able-bodied as well. And with work, or me away on vacation, things could get pretty bad pretty quick.

The real impetus of moving Dad to the care home came when his transferring out of bed became dangerous and truly more than he could do. He continually hurt himself dragging along the wheels and other edges, instead of lifting himself over such. Moving into a care facility was not wanted by him, yet not lost upon him either.

Nowadays, he is fine living there. Visits me and/or Mom when he wants. Gets out and wheels around town. And has around the clock care and help when needed.

From what you wrote, it sounds like FIL’s prognosis is not completely grim. Although, he may not be as able to live in the home environment as he used to. Does W have siblings or is she alone on these kind of decisions/discussions? It’s a difficult topic to discuss with one’s affected parent.

I do understand your feelings of being between a rock and a hard place. You and W do need to openly discuss FIL living with you and W. Discussing openly is not quite W’s forte at the moment. Therefore, it’s likely going to fall upon you to initiate and somewhat lead/move it along. Be gentle and upfront. A clear statement of what is needed to discuss will set the guidelines and tone - just opening a discussion of concerns and options. Lots of empathy and understanding will hopefully help facilitate reaching W.

Keep the conversation safe and compassionate and about FIL and his care. What he can do, and what he cannot. What he requires, and what you and home care can provide. Gather the positives of him living there as well as the challenges. Do the same for other locations/ideas. The best path forward should come into focus with such input.

Hope that helps Mike.

D