My current impression is that despite my earlier protestations, W thinks I am quite okay with what's going down and am simply to acquiesce to everything like a puppy.
Yes, they do like to believe that everything will just go soooooo smoothly. It’s a common fantasy. Like as if tearing apart a family is no big deal.
You’ve already told her you don’t want a divorce. Objected to her feelings that the marriage is unsalvageable/irreparable. No need to tell her again. Just remain calm and let her push her divorce along. Let her own it. You don’t stand in her way, yet you don’t help her out either.
You become the best version of yourself - Sunflyer 2.0! And do it for you. That way it is permanent.
Maybe W notices and takes pause. It will likely take quite some time for W to burn through her emotions. Realize she started this path long before bomb drop. She’s got quite a head start and a head of steam. It’s going to take time for this train wreck to slowdown.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
On two recent occasions when W saw my sister, she thought she saw her making odd expressions and interpreted that as my sister's knowing more than I let on. During the unpleasant events of Mother's Day weekend, she became quite strident about this to the point that I had to swear on the boys that I have told her nothing.
As much as they want out, they don’t want to be the bad guy either. They will project and justify and blame and gaslight; all so they don’t feel guilt, shame, regret, and such. They will expend tremendous energies in maintaining their narrative. They have to!
Eventually, one’s spouse will calm and look around. They will realize that, “Hey, Sunflyer hasn’t been bothering me lately, and I’m still unhappy.” With some good fortune, the spouse might then realize that perhaps their LBS is NOT the cause of their unhappiness after all. And with even more good fortune the spouse looks inward and starts to do the real work.
Of course, affairs really cloud and confuse the situation. There is no martial problem that is going to become better by adding another person. OP1, OP2,… are all symptoms. Band-aids. A desperate attempt at feeling better. Such an illicit relationship is built upon lies and deceit. It’s like building on sand, it requires tremendous effort to keep things held together and stable. (By the way, I do realize your situation currently has no confirmed or suspected affair. Just sharing a bit of information. And for those reading your story too.)
It’s interesting how W demands you swear on your son’s life that you are telling the truth. Meanwhile, she is betraying the vows she took. Again, a rather common trait among the WAS/WS.
People see the world as they see themselves. A trustworthy person extends trust rather freely (At first anyhow. Once burnt, trust takes a long time to rebuild). Their default is to see the good in people. A liar/cheater sees liars and cheaters everywhere. Their default is quite different.
I’d also suspect W is muddying the waters to cover her tracks. Who has she told? And what story has she told? She who protests too much…
It really matters not. You keep moving forward. Walk the high road in all this. And be the rock for your kids. Always!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
