My Story

[Ready2Change]

Also, do not move out of the master bedroom.

This is extremely important. Even better is to start making it more manly. Do not discuss your changes. Put a big poster of a motorcycle, or airplane or boat. Sleep in the middle of the bed if you have the balls.

Again, I am strongly suggesting these as 180's. Hopefully they are for you.

No supplicating. No simping. Focus on good strong male traits.


Go read as much of Gekko's thread as possible. He is about the only male poster that arrived here with good strong male traits. The rest of us had to learn.
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=userposts&id=40586

[DnJ]

Hello SF

My current impression is that despite my earlier protestations, W thinks I am quite okay with what's going down and am simply to acquiesce to everything like a puppy.

Yes, they do like to believe that everything will just go soooooo smoothly. It’s a common fantasy. Like as if tearing apart a family is no big deal.

You’ve already told her you don’t want a divorce. Objected to her feelings that the marriage is unsalvageable/irreparable. No need to tell her again. Just remain calm and let her push her divorce along. Let her own it. You don’t stand in her way, yet you don’t help her out either.

You become the best version of yourself - Sunflyer 2.0! And do it for you. That way it is permanent.

Maybe W notices and takes pause. It will likely take quite some time for W to burn through her emotions. Realize she started this path long before bomb drop. She’s got quite a head start and a head of steam. It’s going to take time for this train wreck to slowdown.

On two recent occasions when W saw my sister, she thought she saw her making odd expressions and interpreted that as my sister's knowing more than I let on. During the unpleasant events of Mother's Day weekend, she became quite strident about this to the point that I had to swear on the boys that I have told her nothing.

As much as they want out, they don’t want to be the bad guy either. They will project and justify and blame and gaslight; all so they don’t feel guilt, shame, regret, and such. They will expend tremendous energies in maintaining their narrative. They have to!

Eventually, one’s spouse will calm and look around. They will realize that, “Hey, Sunflyer hasn’t been bothering me lately, and I’m still unhappy.” With some good fortune, the spouse might then realize that perhaps their LBS is NOT the cause of their unhappiness after all. And with even more good fortune the spouse looks inward and starts to do the real work.

Of course, affairs really cloud and confuse the situation. There is no martial problem that is going to become better by adding another person. OP1, OP2,… are all symptoms. Band-aids. A desperate attempt at feeling better. Such an illicit relationship is built upon lies and deceit. It’s like building on sand, it requires tremendous effort to keep things held together and stable. (By the way, I do realize your situation currently has no confirmed or suspected affair. Just sharing a bit of information. And for those reading your story too.)

It’s interesting how W demands you swear on your son’s life that you are telling the truth. Meanwhile, she is betraying the vows she took. Again, a rather common trait among the WAS/WS.

People see the world as they see themselves. A trustworthy person extends trust rather freely (At first anyhow. Once burnt, trust takes a long time to rebuild). Their default is to see the good in people. A liar/cheater sees liars and cheaters everywhere. Their default is quite different.

I’d also suspect W is muddying the waters to cover her tracks. Who has she told? And what story has she told? She who protests too much…

It really matters not. You keep moving forward. Walk the high road in all this. And be the rock for your kids. Always!

D

[Sunflyer]

It’s interesting how W demands you swear on your son’s life that you are telling the truth. Meanwhile, she is betraying the vows she took. Again, a rather common trait among the WAS/WS.

This is, perhaps, one of the most difficult things for me to understand.

W grew up in a close-knit family. I did not. All of her relatives preach the importance of family. Another one of her favorite quotes, uttered multiple times during our marriage, was "I take my marriage vows seriously."

It is easy to say that, of course, before the test comes. I guess I did not figure her to be someone who, when the going got rough, would just keep quiet and then grab the parachute.

I haven't had much to do with organized religion since I was 19, and W hasn't either. But W always had dreams of a church wedding, and her family wanted it. I remember us interviewing with the priest. He spoke with each of us alone, presumably to ask the same questions.

I remember him asking, "In this church, the only way a marriage ends is by death of one of the partners. Is that the kind of marriage you seek?"

I responded with absolute confidence, "It is."

Twenty-five years after that interview, that is still my answer.

I’d also suspect W is muddying the waters to cover her tracks. Who has she told? And what story has she told? She who protests too much…

D

At this point, who knows? She has a lifelong friend that she saw the other night. They went out to buy a recliner to put in the living room for her upcoming surgery recovery. Did her friend really need to go with her to buy a recliner? She'd be my first guess as someone who knows everything. When she comes home, W sometimes has long phone conversations outside in her car. She's talking to someone.

I've seen her parents and brother since everything started. If they know all the details, they are candidates for an Oscar. (I'm not ruling it out). I think her mother (who knows something about W's discontent) would be especially devastated.

[Sunflyer]

Also, do not move out of the master bedroom. W wants out, let her move to the spare room, or the basement, or the Harry Potter room under the stairs.
D

I have not and will not.

Also have appointment for consultation with attorney on Tuesday.

[SteveLW]

SF, keep up the good work! Onward and upward.

[Sunflyer]

SF, keep up the good work! Onward and upward.

Thank you, SteveLW.

And I also want to thank all the posters who have commented and supported this far.

[Sunflyer]

Watched my older son go off to his senior prom today. He is a spectacularly good-looking young man.

I won't lie; it wasn't easy. But I held firm.

There are a number of things coming up that are going to take on a bittersweet flavor, especially his graduation and a fiftieth anniversary party for W's parents.

Afterward, W went out for dinner with my son's friend's mother.

Picked up my younger son. Just the two of us in the house. We ordered from the sushi place, one of his favorites.

[PeterB]

You are now an emotional rock. Hold steady no matter how rough the storm.

Hi Sunflyer, one tactical approach to help your journey towards becoming an 'emotional rock' is to hit the slow-motion button at the right moment. Slow-motion also helps in more prolonged situations, like simply living through your day. Often, one comes to conclusions or assumes a particular state of mind rather quickly, even when there are no immediate provocations like a live argument. Slow motion is to move through the state-machine of your mind slowly. It allows you to deliberate which path to take toward your next state. This deliberation involves becoming conscious of the nature of the input (e.g., a cruel jab at you two hours earlier or, at this moment, a sense of entitlement that you should not be discussing your problems with your sibling, etc.) and your own processing of that input.

[Sunflyer]

Not a bad day today.

Friday is my day off. I usually go out somewhere while W is working. Went on a hike at a nature preserve about an hour away.

W asked me where I was going this morning. I said, "I don't know yet."

I didn't make immediate replies to her occasional texts.

Superb weather, summerlike, and watched two eagles soaring over the marsh near the river.

[Sunflyer]

Just an update on W's upcoming cosmetic surgery, which is now three weeks out...or more accurately, the first of two surgeries. Doctor said he cannot do all the work at once; the first go-round will probably take 6-8 hours alone.

She won't be able to lie down for probably a few weeks, hence the recliner she bought. Probably weeks before she can drive a car either. I will be working early in the day during her recovery but should be home by mid-afternoon; her mother is going to supervise her care when I am out of the house. But she can't be here 24/7, obviously, and leave my FIL alone.

The kicker is that based on her timeline, all of this is going to coincide with her actively trying to remove me from the house. (I am expecting to be served before surgery date. We'll see).

Thus, her dream scenario would mean that during surgery #2 in the fall, all her care and most of the care of our younger son while I'm at work all day is going to fall squarely on her family, mostly her parents, who are in their 70s.

Sounds like a good plan?