Sounds like you’ve found a good balance - little guy, work, hobbies. And as you know, a quality nanny is worth their weight in gold.
Originally Posted by Newborn
I'm just really frustrated still. I know it's normal to be sad from time to time, but why is this impacting me still so much? I knew he'd been cheating - he put a photo of the girl up in our home for heavens' sake - so why am I still so upset by knowing he posted on social media?
Personal suffering is caused by desire and attachment. Even desires that are fulfilled can lead to suffering.
Suffering is one’s emotional response due to not accepting, pushing against, the reality of their life.
Originally Posted by Newborn
But it felt like I took 10 steps back with how much it impacted me. I shouldn't care, nor want him back, after all of this. and in truth even if he did apologize I don't even think I would want him back into my life after all he's done - so why is this still so painful? It just seems so unfair he seems like he gets his happily ever after and has no remorse.
Originally Posted by Newborn
Sometimes I hope he'll wake up and realize how stupid he's being but for the most part I think he's just an insecure manchild who needs to feel important.
Why do you think you shouldn’t care? You are a kind and caring person. Of course you care. And yes, even about XH. And that is perfectly fine!!
Indifference does unwind. It’s not meant to be one’s life’s landscape. Our feelings do return. And so does ego, need to be right, need to have/seek justice, and such.
Letting go of such desires, of one’s ego driven needs, brings about a welcomed freedom and much peace. We get a taste of that during indifference. It’s kind of a weird taste brought about by our feeling less or numb. The true meal is much more sating.
You are doing well. It was only a few months ago that XH was adamantly denying he was moving 6 hours away to be with OW. His mostly false claim that the move was because of the yoga studio was only recently exposed.
Our situations are multi-faceted. And we are therefore at several stages of grief simultaneously. Some events from the beginning and BD are well into acceptance, others like the reason for XH’s move are new and are in the anger stage. You knew, suspected the real reason, yet emotionally were bargaining/denying it. Rationally, logically, you understood and knew. However, acceptance is emotional understanding.
New events, new information, a new shoe drops; and new feelings are stirred. With one’s healing from their journey so far, the path to accepting and understanding the new info and one’s new emotions is speedier. And it is simply less to absorb than at bomb drop when one’s entire world blows up and crashes down.
Forgiveness is the big freedom in all this. Letting go of one’s need and desire for revenge, or karma, or to see remorse, or have them wake up to the stupid choices they made, etc.
Love the sinner, forgive the sin.
Forgiveness will have nothing to do with XH. And everything to do with you. You finding your path to writing paid in full upon the invoices you are holding, brings peace and contentment. Realize it’s the transgressions you forgive, not the person. Only God is wise enough and knows enough to judge and forgive the soul. We can forgive the deed, and love the person.
I long ago realized I wanted no hand or responsibility for my XW’s suffering/pain, in this life or the next. I gave her to God. Whatever karmic comeuppance might befall her, I effort for it to not be from my designs. This is not a free pass, nor condoning, and there is still accountability where required, just without grudges.
When you embrace, seek, and understand the unfairness and hurt of it all, a counterintuitive path opens up before you. You see the unfairness and hurt is actually reinforced by ourself, by our desires. (An obvious one is a desire for retribution.) As we let go our desires, we find peace.
Time is one’s companion along this journey. And it does take time. This is the realm of beliefs, convictions, and values we hold most dear; which take significant time to discover and organize. Strengthen those that serve you, craft those you aspire to, and alter/discard those that do not serve.
The counterintuitive path is about living the present moment. Being happy and content with one’s self and life. One stills enjoys things without the need/desire. One still plans and hopes for the future, without fretting/fearing it. One can remember their past without depression and getting lost within it.
When one has balance of their four paths - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual; when one’s “cars” on each of those paths are lined up and traversing the same direction and speed; there is peace.
Have a wonderful day N.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
