My Story

[Sunflyer]

Good Morning SF

Congratulations to son. How far away is the college? Can he still live at home, or is he wanting to or needing to move out?

When my first son moved out to attend university, it stirred up such a storm of feelings within XW (W back then). She completely went off the rails and left the kids before they could leave her. I know, it really makes no sense. And five years later, she is still out there. Lost.

Hello DnJ.

Our son will be living on campus. The college is about 4 1/2 hours drive away. Not unreasonable. A number of his friends from high school will be attending there as well, so hopefully he should assimilate easily.

I won't say that I can comprehend what your XW leaving the way she did must have done to the kids, or to you. So I will just say that I'm sorry that happened.

The best you can currently do, is to give W time and space, and keep pressure to a minimum. Any pushing and/or demanding of answers regarding affairs, her feelings, how the relationship is, etc, needs to be strictly off limits. Anything she says you would not be able to take as gospel anyhow.

Give the Lighthouse Story a read. It’s one of the links in the welcoming post. Become a stanchion, an anchor, a strength, a beacon, in life’s storms.

This is exactly what I am doing. Incidentally, the Lighthouse Story was one of the first things I clicked on among those links. It makes perfect sense and that is how I am going to model myself going forward.

However, W is a grown women and she should have spoke up about things that were bothering her. A common defence mechanism is projection. One blames, projects, “their” fault upon their spouse or others. Interestingly, folks do this because they cannot handle nor accept their part of it. Not yet anyhow; W will need to find her way. Any pressure or rational argument to sway her will likely set her back and be further justification and reasons of why to leave you. STFU is so very necessary.

You didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.

There are no magic words that will wake her up. Let time and space work upon her. While you live and move forward. Be kind and cordial. Even supportive where appropriate. All sans smothering and clinging.

This is what sticks out like a sore thumb in this whole situation. I know there are people who suffer in silence for a long time, so I am not saying it is uncommon. However, it is uncommon for her. This is not a woman who typically keeps quiet when something is wrong. She lets one know in no uncertain terms. She is also not one who just rolls over and waves the white flag when the going gets rough. It is definitely out of character.

I am trying to be kinder. Not overly kind but kinder. And I will support when needed.

I thank you for the words to live by and hope that we will talk again at some point.