Congratulations to son. How far away is the college? Can he still live at home, or is he wanting to or needing to move out?
When my first son moved out to attend university, it stirred up such a storm of feelings within XW (W back then). She completely went off the rails and left the kids before they could leave her. I know, it really makes no sense. And five years later, she is still out there. Lost.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
She is one of those people who has said (multiple times), "If you ever cheat on me, I will kill you." Considering how long she has known me, I figure she should know that cheating is not in my vocabulary. I will admit it has started to cross my mind that perhaps she who proclaims the loudest is trying to compensate for something.
My W detested cheaters and affairs. She ended up having an affair herself. The self loathing and hatred such a person feels. All the blaming of others, projecting, justifying, crafting of narratives are short term futile efforts to ward off the pain of their deeds and their past.
The best you can currently do, is to give W time and space, and keep pressure to a minimum. Any pushing and/or demanding of answers regarding affairs, her feelings, how the relationship is, etc, needs to be strictly off limits. Anything she says you would not be able to take as gospel anyhow.
Believe nothing they say, and only half of what they do.
Her path will be long and convoluted, with many twists and turns. You need to let her walk it. In time, consistent demonstrated behaviours will illustrate more of where she is at than her ever changing emotionally driven words. Realize, her present trajectory is emotionally driven. And feelings change fast and often. Keeping close watch will confuse you and hurt your neck as she ping-pongs about.
Give the Lighthouse Story a read. It’s one of the links in the welcoming post. Become a stanchion, an anchor, a strength, a beacon, in life’s storms.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I'm moving forward doing activities that I like to make MYSELF happy, although at this stage it still feels a bit "artificial." After all, she complained that I wasn't paying her enough attention. Now I have to back off and give her room. But I know that clinging and smothering are the worst things I could do right now.
Yes, it will feel artificial for a while. The act-as-if part of this. Focus upon you and the boys. At 17 and 13 they will know something is amiss. Be Dad. Not Disneyland Dad, just a good solid Dad. Their rock!
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I pointed out the irony that if communication was a major issue, and the problems were long-term, why did she not bring this up six months, or a year, or however long ago this started so that we could have had a discussion before things got to this point. She admitted I had a point but said “you missed the signs.”
This is an excellent example of how logic and reason will not sway one who is driven by their emotions. You are correct, rational, and yet… no. You are still wrong in her view.
Funny thing in long term relationships, folks get so comfortable, finish each other’s sentences and such, that when stuff comes up they figure the other should know it. All without speaking a word. How? You can’t read minds!
Only own your part in all this. If, and you likely were to some degree, if you were inattentive make changes. For you.
However, W is a grown women and she should have spoke up about things that were bothering her. A common defence mechanism is projection. One blames, projects, “their” fault upon their spouse or others. Interestingly, folks do this because they cannot handle nor accept their part of it. Not yet anyhow; W will need to find her way. Any pressure or rational argument to sway her will likely set her back and be further justification and reasons of why to leave you. STFU is so very necessary.
You didn’t break her, therefore you cannot fix her.
There are no magic words that will wake her up. Let time and space work upon her. While you live and move forward. Be kind and cordial. Even supportive where appropriate. All sans smothering and clinging.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.