Welcome to a great place for support. I am 57. I arrived here in 2008. Divorced in 2009 ended my 18 years with my X. Single for a bit. Been living with my lady for 12+ years. 50/50 custody of my 3 kids. Empty nester now.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
We have two sons, 17 and 13. She also grieves that I don’t spend enough time with the boys. I will admit guilt in this.
First 180 is to focus on being Dad. Give W space. 17yo may want space from you as well. Friends are more important at this age for most. 13yo might be willing for dad time.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
No affairs have occurred.
Most of us arrive here with that belief. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Even if she has been faithful up to this point, odds are she is ready.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I noticed less ease and comfort around me.
Red flag #1
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
We had a discussion
From this point forward, it is critical that you change the way you have discussions. You are now in STFU mode and listen intently when she speaks. Memorize every word. Read the validation thread. Most get validation wrong. It is observing the Emotional response she has to whatever her sitch is....your behavior...people atwork...The kids....traffic..whatever.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
she felt the evening was awkward and that our conversation was superficial.
YUP...us men suck at having deep conversations with women. This is where the STFU and validate her emotional state comes in.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
She has brought both things up again since.
Some canned responses if she brings things up again:
"I wish I could change the past" "I bet you were (Sad,disapointed,frustrated,angery....) Is that how you felt? (You better be really paying attention to how she is responding emotionally when she is telling you "HER STORY".
Also don't be a broken record. During this process of personal growth, come up with your own list.
Do not be boring:
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
and our lack of going out on dates has gotten to her. (“We don’t do anything anymore.”)
Right now, DO NOT TRY AND DATE HER. You need to do exciting things without her.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
She and her brother also started a business two years ago that takes her time in the evenings a couple of days a week.
Red Flag. Possibilities that she gets attention from other men. Not bad when the relationship is in good shape, but we are in triage right now.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
Asks me if I still find her attractive. I honestly told her yes, but I am not sure she believes that I am sincere.
Your words are not in alignment with your behavior. From now on, when she is speaking, you study her face and pay attention to everything you find attractive about her. Mentally think about sexual things. Only three things on your mind. How you find her attractive, memorizing her story, and the most important is "getting her" by understanding how she FELT EMOTIONALLY.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
Sex: last time was either late January
Put your needs on hold. Focus on your attraction and your seduction. There is a big difference between these two. Understand the difference. Do some reading (or other means of research) and learn some "new moves" for bedroom time. Do not be boring.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
Trust me, I have a VERY good memory when it comes to this LOL. She seems to think it was six months? A year? I don’t know.
I assume you would like it to be more frequent. I know she does. Learning to turn a woman on is a good skill to have. Your listening skills I mentioned above is a big part of it. The problem you have is her resentment. Another is your past behavior. Most guys do not know how to talk to a woman so that she gets turned on. Again a place for some research.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I ask her after listening to her, “Where do we go from here?” Her response: “I don’t know.” I have heard “I don’t know” or “I don’t know what I want” at least twice.
So now is the time to reinvent yourself. Do not discuss your changes with her. Just live them.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
she wants me to stay home... This is the first time in 23 years that she expressly uninvited me to a family gathering.
Big red flag. I relate...I was not invited to my X's sisters wedding.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
Instead, I wrote a letter where I poured out my heart to her. I thought it would break the dam, so to speak, Oblivious to what was coming my way, she read it and said she appreciated it, but it was obvious that it didn’t move her as I had hoped.
Again, we all have been there in one for or the other. No more mushy things. There may be a time way way in the future, but not anytime soon. Strong, calm and confident are your friends now.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I followed up with another conversation a day or two later.
The rules have now changed. No more R talks. This is now poker. Do not reveal your cards. You only have the three reasons above and parenting for discussions with her.
More canned statements to have until you get your own list: "I am not sure" "I have not thought about that" "I will let you know when I have decided" "I need more time to think about that" "Yes" "No" Use the least amount of words needed to get your point across.
You will not talk your way out of this. Changes in your behavior have the best chance of turning this around.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
When I described us as “troubled,” she responded that we were more than troubled and that she didn’t think our relationship could be repaired.
See what I mean. Do not try to talk logically. Do not argue.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
In an apparent reference to the Mother’s Day letter, she said I was a master of the written word, but she feels I use that as a substitute for talking to her.
Whatever you said in that letter is better to say after she is turned on. Learn the art of dirty talk as well. Might be awhile before you can use it, but get it in your new set of tools.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
why did she not bring this up six months, or a year, or however long ago this started so that we could have had a discussion before things got to this point. She admitted I had a point but said “you missed the signs.”
I was going to say the same thing. She did, but you didn't "hear" her. Going to be much harder now, but again, do everything you can during this critical phase. You will make mistakes, but with our help, hopefully you will make less of them.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
I have the Divorce Remedy book....most notably Last Resort..
Most posters get this wrong as well....The last resort is to be done after you have tried all the other techniques.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
Other than that, needy behavior, bringing up issues, and raising my temper are not happening.
Perfect. Keep this up.
Originally Posted by Sunflyer
but it does not make the hurt less.
It is very important for you to find a safe place to release your emotions. Do not let her see them. The best thing you can project is a calm, content, but not quite happy, guy when you are in her presence. Go to the gym and pump your anger out. Go to an empty parking lot and cry out the sadness. Go for long walks alone. I crank the stereo while drive and express every emotion that comes out of the singer. Rage against the machine to sappy 70's love songs....
Express all those repressed emotions in safe places so they do not come out at the wrong time.
IC is another great place to help with repressed emotions.
