My Story

[Sunflyer]

Hi all:

Well, this week I started on the journey every married person hopes they never have to take.

The basics: I am 58, wife 47, married 23 years next month. We have two sons, 17 and 13. No affairs, substance abuse, or domestic violence have ever occurred.

The story: In the last six weeks to two months or so, I noticed changes in my wife. I noticed less ease and comfort around me. We had a discussion, and she mentioned a couple of things that happened in February that bothered her.

One was her birthday. We went out to dinner, and she said she felt the evening was awkward and that our conversation was superficial. She feels that communication has been on a downslide for a while. Another was Valentine’s Day. We got over the Valentine’s Day “gestures” years ago. My wife doesn’t require cards, flowers, or gifts and I don’t either. But this year, I did the unthinkable: I forgot it was Valentine’s Day and didn’t wish her happiness on the day. I told her it was an honest mistake and nothing hurtful was meant by it. She has brought both things up again since.

She says that these are examples of a long-term pattern of deteriorating communication in our relationship (“more roommates than married,”), and our lack of going out on dates has gotten to her. (“We don’t do anything anymore.”) She also grieves that I don’t spend enough time with the boys.

I will admit guilt in this. I had fallen into a pattern of worrying about work, then worrying about what our boys might need when I get home (I often get home from work earlier than my wife), then eating dinner and then seeing what else I might have to do. And yes, she has been slighted as a result. She and her brother also started a business two years ago that takes her time in the evenings a couple of days a week.

Another factor in the landscape is the surgery she has looming next month. She’s a bariatric patient and lost about 125 pounds. Now she is going in for cosmetic surgery to remove the excess skin on her abdomen and repair weakened abdominal muscles. I praised her when she told me how much weight she’d lost, but she says I don’t compliment her on this, and she feels hurt. Asks me if I still find her attractive. I honestly told her yes, but I am not sure she believes that I am sincere.

Sex: last time was either late January or early February, which she disputes. Trust me, I have a VERY good memory when it comes to this LOL. She seems to think it was six months? A year? I don’t know.

Flash forward to Mother’s Day weekend, and the day before she calls me upstairs for another conversation during which she brings up the previously described issues and again calls out the birthday/Valentine’s Day unpleasantries. I ask her after listening to her, “Where do we go from here?” Her response: “I don’t know.” I have heard “I don’t know” or “I don’t know what I want” at least twice.

Then bombshell #1 hits. Her brother hosts a Mother’s Day brunch every year. She tells me that she wants to take the boys and she wants me to stay home. (“I hope you’ll understand I need this time with them.”) This is the first time in 23 years that she expressly uninvited me to a family gathering. I was very hurt but respected her wishes. She told her family I wasn’t feeling well.

I bought her a Mother's Day card earlier in the week (not because we were at odds; just thought it would be nice). I was going to write a little poem in it; I did that last year and she loved it. Instead, I wrote a letter where I poured out my heart to her. I thought it would break the dam, so to speak, Oblivious to what was coming my way, she read it and said she appreciated it, but it was obvious that it didn’t move her as I had hoped.

I followed up with another conversation a day or two later. When I described us as “troubled,” she responded that we were more than troubled and that she didn’t think our relationship could be repaired. In an apparent reference to the Mother’s Day letter, she said I was a master of the written word, but she feels I use that as a substitute for talking to her.

I pointed out the irony that if communication was a major issue, and the problems were long-term, why did she not bring this up six months, or a year, or however long ago this started so that we could have had a discussion before things got to this point. She admitted I had a point but said “you missed the signs.”

I have the Divorce Remedy book. I read the opening chapter online, and it is as if the author read my mind regarding how I feel about this situation. I am well into it and am implementing some of the techniques, most notably Last Resort. I don’t see this situation as irreparable at all, but my wife does, and I think divorce is the least desirable option. And I think trying to fix it deserves a shot.

Behavior wise, based on what I have read so far, I have been handling it as well as could be expected. I had one breakdown. Other than that, needy behavior, bringing up issues, and raising my temper are not happening. We are civil to each other, still sleeping in the same bed (but only sleeping). Holding my tongue is hard sometimes, and it is painful not to be able to hug or even touch her. Her love is only for the boys now. They deserve it, but it does not make the hurt less.