Those of us that have been here awhile have our own list. Writing it out helps clarify things.
A good exercise for you to consider: I challenge you to get a list of 25. List them in order of importance/effectiveness FOR YOU. Elaborate and clarify every little detail.
I am further down the path than you, and my list is constantly in flux and changing for the stage of life I am at. Here is one of mine:
#x) Do not be boring - Woman need excitement in their lives. I should be a major source of excitement in my ladies life. If she looks bored, how can I add excitement to her life. Concerts, Dancing, Motorcycle rides, do things that we have not done together. Learn and try new things in the bedroom. Remember that even an arguments is better than being boring.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I am very overwhelmed. It seems to me I’ve been doing better this week at DB in some respects. Focusing on myself, GAL even apart from kids, getting together with friends, caring for my family, looking after my place.
Been having some panic thoughts (not full attacks) considering the future and how to navigate upcoming challenges, looking at financial stressors etc. Having S move in with me has been good and an added responsibility. Advocating for his care needs as a large part of it.
W has been spending more time with him, taking him out etc which is great for both of them and appreciated by me as well. It seems to me we are having a time of peace in how she and I cooperate and communicate about the necessities and not having any R talks is helping.
Continuing to read DR - gaining new insights - and digging into those threads Mach and R2
Heavy exercise causes your brain to reset its anxiety centre, so you start thinking with your frontal lobe, rather than letting your amygdala and emotions control you.
Keep it up.
I noticed in your last post how you said that her and you seem to be a bit calmer at the moment. That’s good, but don’t try to connect it to anything. Just because you’ve been doing A, and now she’s being a bit more co-operative, it probably has nothing to do with you doing A.
It’s just the natural ebb and flow. Keep your expectations dialled to zero, and expect the tide to change again tomorrow.
One of the absolute keys that isn’t really promulgated much in DBing is to minimise expectations. DBing talks about doing 180’s because what you’ve been doing obviously hasn’t been working. This tends to result in us we becoming hyper focused on analysing their behaviour to see if what we’re doing is working.
The best thing to do, is 180’s - but with no expectations. That way, you can ride the highs and lows of their erratic behaviour much more easily. I obtained great peace once I worked that out, and I only worked it out because my brother would say things like “Well, when you did XYZ, what did you expect she would do?” And if I was disappointed she was being an idiot, he’d say “The true sign of madness is perhaps that you keep expecting a different result from her.”
Tomorrow, if my ex rang up and told me the earth is flat and she has decided she’s a purple monkey, I wouldn’t be surprised at all 🤷♂️
Ignore and place no value on the fact that things have been a bit better. Head down, bum up and keep at it 👍
