It’s perfectly normal to feel angry and upset; it’s part of grief. Feel those emotions, safely express them, work/sweat them out, let them wash over you.
Do be careful of reinforcing those feelings; and their influence upon you, your outlook, and life.
Originally Posted by Terapin
I'm so mad that our son is going to go from living in a beautiful home in a great neighborhood to splitting time between two apartments or slum houses.
This is quite an assumed bleak future. You might end up in a different house. Maybe even a smaller house or apartment. A slum? That’s unlikely. You do control you, and you can make your house, regardless of its size, a wonderful loving home for you and son.
The future is unknown and unwritten, let it unfold. Fear causes one to imagine bleak hurtful futures. Very often, that worse case never comes to pass.
Originally Posted by Terapin
How do people live with themselves pulling this [censored] on people they supposedly 'love'.
Very poorly.
People’s conduct and choices do eventually come back around. They may put on a mask, a facade, of how wonderful everything is with such “awesome” choices. Yet, in the dark stillness of night, laying in bed, one’s regrets and demons will play.
They live a tormented life. Betrayal is the worst thing one can do. Betraying loved ones will haunt.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Even if she doesn't love me, I would hope she loves our son, but she doesn't care one bit what this is going to do to him.
Be careful of mind reading or surmising her state.
She “appears” to not care. True, folks lost in turmoil have a lack of empathy. Sometimes, that is from such internal torment and pain, that they must mute, end, their feelings. They simply cannot handle it. They are cranked all the way up to eleven, and desperately looking for peace/relief. And desperate people do desperate things.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Every day I develop more and more resentments for her. I don't think I'd ever want to reconcile. I've put up with her crap for far too long.
Yep. Resentment can build.
This path doesn’t serve you.
Look deep. Do you really want to feel, believe, live, full of resentment?
Most often resentment grows from unmet expectations. Let go and give her to God.
It takes a certain amount of understanding, of rationalizing, before one will let go. You are getting there. Place the majority of your focus upon you and son. GAL. Dial your expectations and those imagined future down. You do need to plan for various possible outcomes, and yet live a more middle of the road life.
In life, we do have to play the cards we’re dealt. Realize, there are still more cards to deal, and more hands to play here. Dig for patience, it’s a long game. Time is a gift, use it wisely.
Originally Posted by Terapin
…she doesn't care one bit what this is going to do to him.
As for what it will do to for your son. That, is well within your influence.
Do not demonized his Mom. Love son unconditionally. Be his rock. The strong stable parent. He will lash out to you. That’s often to you, not against you. Perfectly fine, for he cannot risk losing his Mom, so he will seek you.
He will also seek you for the rest as well. Be his role model. A living example.
Last week, I was helping my youngest son move to his new apartment in a different city. We got to travel together for many hours, and we got to talk plenty. His point of view, his words, his open honest unprompted sharing:
All this changed him. Mom leaving. The divorce. And most especially my leading. This terrible unwanted situation made him a better person than he’d likely have been.
Consider that. Just how transformative, how positive this situation can be. It up to us to turn what “can be” into what “will be” and eventually “is”.
I control me. And I do exert influence. Gentle steering, understanding, kindness, compassion, empathy, forgiveness. All these tenets my son (and the other three kids at other times) spoke of, and how he saw them in me, experienced and found them, and is continually working towards them. He is much more emotionally aware. A straight up better man and person.
We don’t get much say in the cards we are dealt. We do get say in how we play. And the goal(s) of the our game.
You do set the rules of your game, of your life, of how you play.
The benefits that are possible from this journey can far outweigh the destruction and hurt.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
