You might FEEL like you’re struggling and doing a terrible job, but for us externally looking in, we think you’re doing a GREAT job!
It’s hard, when your own heart and emotions are tangled up, to see things clearly and objectively.
You’re only four months in. Most people only four months in, when presented with a challenging day like a birthday with no contact, probably would have cracked and messaged him. The fact that it was hard for you, but you hung tough and made the smart decision - that tells me you’re actually able to make decisions with your brain, not your broken heart. WELL DONE YOU!
It will always be hard. There’s people on this board who have been here for 10 years who probably have a sad day here and there… totally normal. What sort of un-emotional troglodyte would you be if you didn’t have feelings sometimes?
During my time, I was told by several people (both through the board and external to the board) that 12 months was a minimum amount of time to re-centre yourself. And that timing pretty much worked out perfectly for me - at 12 months, suddenly I felt a big mind-shift and really started moving forward.
Trust me when I say this - you are doing great, and it will get easier!
Also, despite all the great advice on this board, and the principles of DBing - sometimes, things just take time. Time definitely heals all wounds, just trust in that and let it happen.
If you find you start having more and more sad days, it means you need to exercise more. Exercise is heavily linked to mental health and resilience. If you feel yourself struggling, get your butt off to the gym or go for a run. A physically tired person always sleeps better, and has more emotional resilience.
Thank you so much for this confirmation Kind. I think my birthday just threw up a lot of stuff. I've been feeling better this week. D went out for tea with H on Tuesday & I noticed my emotions were reduced. I usually fire up with negative thoughts & predictions when she sees him but I didnt this week. H still seems troubled & I am certain this is a mixture of MLC & limerance. This makes me feel a little sad for him & his future. I've always been the one to look after everyone & he seems lost at sea without this. He seems to look to D(16) for guidance on what to do, which is absolute madness! I've had no contact for a few weeks now & it's helped with detachment. I am still open to saving our marriage but as time goes on and my life gets bigger, I'm starting to see that this may not be the best thing for either of us.
On the GAL front, I have really pushed my boundaries this week & auditioned for a local drama groups christmas pantomime. This is so out of my comfort zone, I can't believe I did it!! I blame the girls night in on Friday night & the wine consumed!! I told the girls that my new mantra was to push myself and say yes. Forward 2 days & I'm stood in a church hall singing the wheels on the bus go round and round!!
As ever, I cannot thank the people in this forum enough, particularly DnJ, Kind and Steve. The guidance can be tough to hear at times but follow it to the letter & you do start feeling more in control of you. I can't control anything H does & none of it makes sense. Dropping the rope for me has included stopping trying to analyse his actions & reading too much into what he says and does, looking out for a crumb of future hope. I've had to let him go & live the life he wants to live at the present time & this allows me to concentrate on living my best life. Who knows what will happen in the future but I'm 54 now so need to live in the present & have some fun!
