W texted me last night thanking me for giving her space to share what was on her mind when we met last week. She also shared with me what she was up to - a first in a couple of months.
I’m not suffering from any false impression that this represents some step in a positive direction for our relationship. I’m sharing this here because it helped me internalize some valuable lessons…
When W left last week my first thought was that it had been a total disaster. It had gone all ‘wrong’. I wanted to lash out and say/do something reactive. Thankfully a part of me sensed it was just my emotions. I did nothing and I went to bed.
By morning I realized clearly this first take was blatantly off base - clouded by emotions. The truth was as I shared in my last post. Sure, it might not have been perfect. But I was in alignment with my self.
While that realization happened quickly, I continued to assume that W’s interpretation was probably the same as my first impression - that I had ‘done her wrong.’ It’s not that I was sitting around stewing over what she thought about the interaction but if someone had asked I would have stated something to that nature. Her text last night was totally something I did not expect. While I’m not ascribing its content any significant meaning it was the first time she’s communicated with me for months in any way that felt remotely thoughtful or respectful. I consider that a small victory and I attribute it to basic DB principles.
Often it doesn’t feel like it but time is truly on your side. Sometimes you just need 8 hours - to realize your thoughts were leading you astray. Sometimes a week - to realize that your spouse had a different reaction than you anticipated in the moment. Sometimes months - to start finding yourself outside of the relationship that you felt defined you. And sometime years.
I continue to focus on what I can control - which is myself.
