W left her ipad on the table and this morning i logged in. Did a quick search history and it seems she was looking at 'how to win full custody' websites last night. Guess it's time to prepare for war and drop the carefree 'as if' attitude.
You should definitely prepare. This is a business deal gone sideways and you should be working towards the best fair deal for you.
Part of that effort is your attitude. No need to stoop and become adversarial. Such, will likely not get you further towards your wanted goal / outcome / decisions.
Keep emotions out of this. Keep ego out of this. No need to turn it in to a war, when some cordial negotiating could/will achieve the desired results.
Originally Posted by Terapin
W and I seem to agree on most things (selling the house, dividing debts, 50/50 custody). No spousal or child support, and we each take our student loan debts.
Perhaps, W has reconsidered her custody position/offer. Or perhaps she only temporarily felt that way. Or perhaps she was surfing to see how not lose her half. And so on.
Information gained by snooping is usually coloured by one’s emotions. It is difficult to know the why based upon the few data points one uncovers. And snooping stirs up one’s own emotions which has the risk of prompting action or a change in direction based on the limited inference rather than follow the established facts and rational path one previously decided upon. If things change, if new information truly comes to light, then adjust.
Originally Posted by Terapin
I told her I'd consider giving her my vehicle in exchange for some household assets.
She asked if I would help pay her lawyer fees, as well as the filing fee. I just laughed.
Many times W has expressed concern and fear over her lawyer fees and associated costs of divorce. Her suggestions of helping her with such costs, is an area of negotiation.
Remove your ego from this equation. Consider what assets you are wishing for and those you are more willing to let go. A few thousand dollars invested in W’s legal bills might garner you much more in things you value.
That was a missed opportunity to ask what she was willing to give up for her to have no legal bill. Her answer might surprise you. Folks exiting relationships do place value upon some strange things. Some even so far as their freedom and no responsibilities over shared custody. I’m not suggesting W is there, my point is you are surmising her list of wants based upon the person you knew. It takes a bit of finesse to discover what she values/wants right now.
You’ve spoken to a lawyer. You know the default position in all this. You have opportunity to adjust that default, to give and take between the two of you. So far, W hasn’t sounded like she is looking for war. Don’t push her into one. That’s usually more a lose/lose outcome.
D
Thanks. That is really good advice. I feel like I"m just 'counter punching' right now. Other forums would say to go on the attack. I don't know who's right. But, at least to me, she's still cordial and amicable. That could all be a complete act, but I'm not sure what she would even be capable of fighting for, or if she'd want to. She can't even afford a retainer fee (not that I really can either), let alone to dig in and pay for a long custody battle.
But one thing is true, the woman I married and loved is gone. I can't think of her that way anymore. Not that I have to think of her as the enemy, but she's not my W, friend, buddy, etc anymore. I was already starting to feel detached. Each day that grows more and more. I don't think she's wayward, having an affair, etc though. I think she's just completely self centered and 'done' with the M. I hate even wasting any time an energy on this. From the beginning i should have just said 'good riddance''
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
