I’m still so lost -Pt 2

[Pattnee5]

Hi Steve, yes I am in IC and have been since BD In Dec. Honestly I don’t think I could have been where I am today and done as much growth as I have done today without it and without my IC. She has been such a huge help.

I understand what you mean Steve, I am not looking at my progress based of H, I have grown and changed so much within myself the last few months and done a great deal of work on myself with IC, with reading books, DR, this forum. It wasn’t until IC pointed out to me recently that all of that on my end is work (I kind of just brushed it aside).

I understand what you mean about focusing on his actions but I’m not basing my actions on seeing his reaction if that makes sense. I am certainly not giving to get anything and not implementing these self changes for H rather for me and the kids. It is just observations I have made in H behaviour just as a result of my changes (he hasn’t been in a great place or been his normal self so seeing glimmers of him again is wonderful rather than his “robotic ness “ as he called it).

I still love H deeply and want our M to work out so of course I do notice when he does something, and think about him and about us from time to time but more in a generalized sense now (whereas I used to obsess over what could happen how it could pan out etc). Now I know I can’t fix him and this is his stuff to deal with not mine. But yes I do notice his changes too because IF he does want to return I want to ensure it’s a proper return too, so I am noticing his changes no matter how small they are.

I understand what you are saying about codependent. I don’t think I am. I certainly don’t need or use him for anything. Maybe H is a bit with me, but I don’t know.

Anyway like I said everything I do now is for me and myself as a person for my growth, but I do still want this M. I do still love my H and have some goals based around us. My IC did say to just walk beside him for now as it’s only been a few months and too soon to pull the pin but in the meantime keep doing the work on myself and know I’m going to be ok. So that’s what I am doing I focus on me more and more each day. All my energy now goes on my own self care and own emotional well being (it certainly never used to).

I am becoming so much more resilient, so patient and calm in stressful situations, and have really evaluated my self worth and goals and know what I deserve (if he tried to come back a few months ago the state I was in I would have just opened the door and let everything fall back to how it was). I know now that isn’t what I want at all. I do feel I have more resilience and more balance within myself. However, yes I do still see what H is acting like too (even though I keep thinking “he’s a cashier he’s a cashier”).

I am just a tad confused should I just not be even observing his actions of caring behaviour or his own changes? Should I be ignoring them instead - does that somehow help detach more? I don’t want to become so cold toward him and ignore him, I thought it was about detaching from the rejection and the situation not pulling away and ignoring the actual person. Maybe I have that part confused. I don’t feel I need to cut off all contact completely, because I am fine in his presence now it doesn’t upset or phase me.

I started rereading DR again maybe I’ll get more out of it again.

Thanks Steve I will think about what you wrote again, I certainly don’t feel I am codependent now (def used to be in a way) but I am certainly standing on my own two feet. I’ll pay more attention to things this next week and see.