MA Congratulations on the weight loss and the new wardrobe. What an amazing feeling. I’m sure you have put in alot of hard work 👌
I too managed to lose a chunk of weight but not through hard work just the stress and lack of appetite and tears etc. the wrong way to do it but I call it the “BD diet” 😅 at least that’s a positive
As for the spinster cat lady all I can say is I’m so glad for the pets. Our dog is by my side every night and two of the cats are curled at my feet as I sleep. Thank goodness for unconditional Love 💛
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Finding the rollercoaster pretty hard to ride this weekend. It was my birthday yesterday & I spent most of it in tears because H didn't send me a happy birthday message. I've been much better at dropping the rope but for some reason, this just hooked me right back in. I really wanted to message him to let him know how hurtful it was but managed to stop myself from pressing send but the emotions are strong despite the GAL activity.
On a positive note, I've been truly blessed with family & friends and spent my actual birthday night with best friends. My kids secretly arranged for mum & dad to come and visit today and stay overnight & we're going for a meal later.
I just feel so sad and tearful. We've been no contact at all for a few weeks now & whilst that helps on one level, I also worry that I will just drift completely from him. Just struggling a bit and feeling a bit lost at sea.
Having Mum and Dad over is a thoughtful idea from the kids.
My first birthday after bomb drop was my fiftieth. Two months post BD. 50 is a rather big milestone, and it passed very much not at all like I had always imagined it would’ve.
At the time, “would’ve” was actually “should’ve”. I felt robbed. I felt my “planned” future was ripped away. And of course, this triggered and reinforced all sorts of emotions - fears, sorrow, sadness, depression, and so on.
Ah, unmet expectations. They certainly do build resentments and understandably skew our view.
Originally Posted by MA1970
…I also worry that I will just drift completely from him.
Yep. I too bobbed about, lost at sea. Worried and fearful of what my life would be like sans my wife.
The quickest way through this quagmire is a straight line. It is a heck of a slog through all the brambles and bog, pitfalls, switchbacks, and such. Keep your headings steady. Keep them noble and true and purposeful. Keep moving forward.
Of course, there are times when we just need to sit. Right there in the road, and cry, scream, stomp. And there are time we fall down too; hurt and weary. It’s perfectly fine to rest for a spell, then stand back up, dust off, and continue the journey.
MA, well done not sending a message to H; for stopping yourself. Sure, your emotions are understandable strong. And they are valid. And they are fleeting. Still, within all that, you do control you. And you just proved that in excellent fashion.
Hold your head high. Continue to be strong. Walk your path. And a Happy Birthday to a wonderful gal! (((Hug)))
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Finding the rollercoaster pretty hard to ride this weekend. It was my birthday yesterday & I spent most of it in tears because H didn't send me a happy birthday message. I've been much better at dropping the rope but for some reason, this just hooked me right back in. I really wanted to message him to let him know how hurtful it was but managed to stop myself from pressing send but the emotions are strong despite the GAL activity.
Gulood job not sending those. I'm sorry to say this but sending those messages wouldn't matter because he just doesn't care. I know that hurts, but the messages would have backfired.
So MA, this has a silverlining. he's showing you thru actions who he really is. Before I met my wife I had a long term on again, off again relationship. I never missed her birthday. Then I met my wife. The first year we were together I didn't even think about my exgf's birthday. Why? Because I had moved on. (BTW she called me a couple of weeks after her birthday to temp check me.) I say all this to say that maybe this will help you with your detachment. I know it hurts now, but understanding that he is moving on might help you do the same. I look forward to next year when you don't even care if he contacts you for your birthday.
Hugs. There is light at the end of the tunnel and it does get better.
Last edited by SteveLW; 05/13/2303:17 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Finding the rollercoaster pretty hard to ride this weekend. It was my birthday yesterday & I spent most of it in tears because H didn't send me a happy birthday message. I've been much better at dropping the rope but for some reason, this just hooked me right back in. I really wanted to message him to let him know how hurtful it was but managed to stop myself from pressing send but the emotions are strong despite the GAL activity.
On a positive note, I've been truly blessed with family & friends and spent my actual birthday night with best friends. My kids secretly arranged for mum & dad to come and visit today and stay overnight & we're going for a meal later.
I just feel so sad and tearful. We've been no contact at all for a few weeks now & whilst that helps on one level, I also worry that I will just drift completely from him. Just struggling a bit and feeling a bit lost at sea.
Oh MA I wish I knew something helpful to say, I too feel lost at sea a lot these days too. Some days are always better than others. Well done for not sending the text despite how hard it was. We don’t need fo be fishing for compliments or sounding clingy and needy. I too dread my bday later this year but at least by then I hope I won’t be as fragile as now. Sending you big hugs throufh this journey we are on
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Thanks DnJ, Steve & Pattnee, particularly for the virtual hugs, its been a hard few days.
The overwhelming feelings have passed and I feel back on an even (ish) keel. I'm pleased I didn't act on the urges. It wouldn't have helped me & I'm not sure what I was hoping to achieve from it anyway. Actions like these probably just stoke the fire.
I'm trying to remember that I am in the better position. I've got the kids, the house, lots of friends & family. He has cut off from everyone & only has OW. I'm not sure why that's important to me? If I'm completely honest with myself, maybe that's about wanting him to suffer as I am? Definitely not properly detaching there & I need to have a think about that.
I am much better at not being as bothered about OW. I used to compare myself negatively but don't now. I can see they are two lost souls trying to make a connection that isn't based in the real world. I feel I'm rambling a bit. I think there is some point to what I'm trying to say. I think its that I'm only superficially detached. Does this get better? Is it a time thing or should I be doing more? I genuinely thing my GAL activity is going well. I've not seen mum & dad since Easter & mum commented that I looked less tortured in the face than last time she saw me. Both said how proud they were of how I'm handling it. Any thoughts on anything I could be doing differently? Even though I've been horrendously sad at times this weekend, I've still got out there & acted as if I wasn't sad.
I feel exactly like you MA. Those lost and sad feelings. The GAL is going ok too but it feels so fake and not geniune for me too. I feel some days I’m up and strong and some days I bottom out and crash and burn. I wish I had advice. I have none, but I find comfort in reading these threads at night, I get strength and words ring in my ears from what I’ve read. I think in time we will be ok and I really hope it gets better.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
I feel I'm rambling a bit. I think there is some point to what I'm trying to say. I think it’s that I'm only superficially detached. Does this get better? Is it a time thing or should I be doing more?
There is certainly a time component to all this. You rationalize and seek to understand; control your thoughts and actions; focus, GAL, and live; do the inner work and become the best version of you; and time will work its magic.
Time is a companion along one’s journey. As much a requisite for becoming whole and healed, as one’s inner work.
Is it time or doing more? Along the path one has moments when they do more, other moments when they are still and let answers come. Remember, doing nothing is doing something. Personal growth, making changes permanent, and seeking inner self; has times of action and thought, and times of stillness and reflection. It’s in the latter when one truly hears, discovers, the deeper truths.
So yes, it absolutely does get better. Detachment becomes easier and easier, and eventually like second nature, a part of you.
A recommendation, seek to be still. While detaching from H and the drama of the situation, (re)connect with yourself. Seek you. Attach, if you will, to you and your life. In the calmness, answers will present themselves.
When boiled down, “doing” is at times doing something, and at times doing nothing, with time a steadfast companion. We just keep moving forward. After all, life is more about the journey than the destination.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks DnJ, I feel reassured by your post. I think I'm managing to do more of sitting with emotions and exploring them. There's definitely a theme of abandonment & a little resentment, which I think is ego based. I'm going to keep your comments in mind & try and observe my own thoughts a bit more.
