Just a note about validation. When your H starts complaining about his looks, etc... validating is not saying "you look good". Validating is saying something like, "getting older is hard" or "it is really difficult when you look in the mirror and don't like what you see." You're not agreeing but you are telling him you heard what he said. When he says things like... "I really wish people would understand me," that is an opportunity to be curious. "I think being understood by the people in your life is important and I regret that you don't feel understood. What do we are missing?" or "What do you think is important for them to understand?"
In terms of your H blowing up... honestly... most of this has nothing to do with you. He probably has a ton of triggers you are not aware of. He also needs to make you the bad guy and keep you as the bad guy. WAS's KNOW that what they are doing is not exactly holding up their end of the marriage vows. This is especially the case if there are children involved and even more so if they have been cheating. In my situation, to justify his actions, I fully believe my H had to cultivate an enormous level of contempt for me. That was really, really hard to come to terms with. That he pretty much had to hate me in order to be able to look at himself in the mirror and be okay with how he was treating me. That was so, so difficult to wrap my head around because I loved him so much and had been fully committed to our life together. I could not comprehend that he was feeling the exact opposite of what I was feeling.
I think this is the biggest mistake we LBS's make in the beginning. We really do not fully understand and recognize just how long our WAS's have been working toward ending our marriages because it seems so sudden to us. They didn't get there overnight. On average, it is apparently at least a year before one spouse gets to the point of telling the other they want out. By the time they let us know what is going on, they are well past the point of no return in their minds which is why we cannot nice them back or guilt them back or any of those things. All we can do is get on with our lives and trust that if they are meant to return to us, they will. And then we will be in the position of deciding if we want them back or not. And if they don't return, at least we will have gotten ourselves back.
