Didn’t sleep great last night ( not surprised considering the hissy fit storm out). Spent a good few hours reading forums and stories instead. Not sure what version of H will encounter today but don’t plan to be here to find out as I’m off to work.
Don’t like being solely blamed for everything to be honest spent alot of the night with my brain buzzing. I really don’t recognise this version of H he is a very different person the last 12 months to what he’s been for 20+ years. Hasn’t taken a single bit of accountability for his part in all of this and even acknowledged he didn’t once voice his concerns and bottled everything up. I still feel he thinks everything he says is right and I am solely to blame

Mind you I am a tolerant person I am not going to walk out on H just because he’s a workaholic part time alcoholic antisocial introvert. Yet he is up and out of here when his going gets tough.
I am thinking back to original BD and trying to think did he ever give me a proper reason for separating? No, just the IDLY, I do all the housework, you never help me, I’m doing everything.
So then he stayed in the house and all of a sudden I step up and he more present and loving and affectionate trying to reignite our spark and appreciative and literally do everything he asked for and work on myself, and then I get new reasons like “what you did” (my pa 9 years ago) this is a far better excuse because it’s one I can’t change, yet instead of opening up about what really is bothering H about all that now and expressing his feelings now so we can at least try and work through it he still says nothing about it, keeps it all hidden and guarded. Just knows it bothers him enough to not love me anymore and want out. He looked me in the eye years ago and forgave me and rebuilt and moved forward and never bought it up again until just prior to Bd.


It’s like grasping at straws. It’s actually a sad state of mind to be honest.
All I know I I don’t want to spend my life walking on eggshells and apologising for something I did when I was a kid, and be given this life sentence for choices I made in my past.
H is a real mess right now. I have stopped trying to fix him. I still try to understand him but it’s hard to understand someone who doesn’t open themselves up x I also know me sitting here dwelling on trying to understand him isn’t a great way to detach 😞

M:41 H:48
T:20. M:16.5
BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023