I’m still so lost

[Pattnee5]

Oh boy I jinxed myself again with keeping that in my back pocket😔 and blew it.
Making dinner together just regular chatter H seemed in a happy mood, chatter turned to something a friend of ours was going through (wanting to leave spouse)and he got upset and then a bit of talk back and forward which ended up with me having to pull that out of my back pocket and saying “ I have apologised profusely for my wrongdoings and I can’t keep apologising anymore. I have also acknowledged my mistakes more recently in our marriage our marriage is 50/50 so I owned my part that I have realised ( ok I really now think I should not have said this maybe he felt like I was attacking him for not doing the same 🤷🏼‍♀️who knows he won’t speak I don’t even know what he thinks or issues are ) and apologised for these new mistakes that I have realised keep working on myself to improve them. I also said I can’t change the past and I am living for now and the future I said my sorries and I am wanting to move forward”
Well H absolutely cracked it packed up his stuff and stormed out. Wow😣 what an absolute shamozzle and not a reaction I was expecting. Maybe there was underlying stress he was masking with fake joy but wow he completely went within his shell
And stormed off over me saying I wasn’t going to keep saying sorry for the same thing( which he did say “I don’t want you to keep
Apologising”)

I feel like I shouldn’t have said a thing 😔 it was silly of me but I thought because we were talking it was ok and safe. Boy was I wrong. I feel like I blew it. I feel like he thinks I’m taking a dig at him. I still feel like he feels he has done no wrong and this is all me considering he won’t acknowledge anything or his wrongdoings the last yewr( the isolation, the excess gaming and drinking and ignoring the relationships and worse of all not speaking up when things were bad or at least wanting to try and repair anything)

So now I sit here and wallow in self hate and guilt feeling I said the wrong thing I ruined everything
I dropped the rope
And every inch of me wants to
Scurry to pick it up. 😔but I know I shouldn’t

Then I think DB crew will be telling me well done and don’t feel bad, the truth hurts etc. but man it hurts me too. I feel like I blew it. Then I think I read earlier there will be setbacks, there will be moments of madness and weakness and rubbish.
I took myself to the shower cried it out and now am on here venting so you can all tell me off 😣😔

If he was my H now and that reaction happened while living together I would be devastated, feeling like I can’t speak my truth or heart and walking on eggshells. Perspective is now starting to creep in 😞