I’m still so lost

[Pattnee5]

Thanks D I certainly don’t argue it but when he makes passing comments of being old I always have been validating him telling him he’s not. Seems to be like bouncing off him almost like my words mean nothing. My validation means nothing so I don’t know whose validation he needs to seek.
It’s almost like if he doesn’t let go of this insecurity of himself he will never be able to move forward.
He also made a comment about wishing people would just understand him, but won’t elaborate. Wishing people would understand him and why what happened 9 years ago where I had the affair is so big for him right now.
I keep thinking g to what Steve said which is it’s rubbish to drag this up now and almost feel like he is dragging it up clutching at it and blowing it out of the water to justify what he is currently doing and almost give himself a valid reason for it. Almost like “hey well she did this 9 years ago so now I have to leave”
It’s funny in all our path so far the last 6 months since BD I have done a lot of self work and reflection on myself and my errors in our relationship and I have acknowledged them and apologised. He hasn’t once acknowledged or apologised for a single wrongdoing in our M and honestly a M is a 50/50 part and he is to blame too for his errors. But he won’t acknowledge or admit it. It’s almost like he’s saying “nope I am not to blame this is all you that I walked out and never gave you a hint of warning by bottling up all my feelings and never gave us a chance to work anything out”
It irritates me so much when I think about it it makes me mad.
I am done apologising now, I have apologised for past events I am not going to keep apologising because I am living for today and the future not something that happened in the past that I can’t do anything about anymore.

I have decided if H brings it up anymore I am just going to say “I’ve apologised for my actions years ago and you have accepted my apology. I am not prepared to keep apologising for something I have already acknowledged and something I can’t change I am not prepared to keep reliving the past and be dragged down by that, as I am living for today and the future “

I’m
Sorry for the vent I just don’t know where else to vent. The more I read about MLC or at least midlife uncertainty the more I see a lot of similarities and how they blow even the smallest of issues out to be so big such as me not “tucking the kids in every night” or “not doing as much or the laundry” ( and re write history that we apparently moved Beyond)

Argh silly

Anyway thanks D yeah my social life is filling up a bit and I’m getting out there now.
I’m much happier at work and chatty and eating properly etc