I'm fairly new to this too. My own experience is exactly like yours. There are days / hours / minutes that I feel strong & am able to let go of the rope and there are times I'm hanging on to it like a lifeline. My head tells me to let go but I've noticed that the specific emotion of fear keeps bubbling away and pulling me into that tug .
One of the big things that helps me is taking a step back and thinking of time as my friend. I was with H for 26 years & BD was a few months ago! There is plenty of time for R if that is what lies ahead. My inability to manage uncertainty & desire for control keeps me hooked in. I want an end date but I could well shoot myself in the foot if I push too much for that.
I just allow myself to experience the sadness. I'm grieving for my life that was.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
