I’m still so lost

[Pattnee5]

D you are always so insightful and offer such a good explanation regarding the toolbox and stubbornness to think further than that 😆 so I guess H has looked in his toolbox and prob thought there’s nothing there I wanna try and use let me just take my tools and run. So very true the pressure builds and builds and emotions are held on to and drowned and eventually gets too much so they run or remove themselves because it’s easier than talking.
I guess that’s the difference as a female we verbalise a lot talk a lot with girlfriends or family. It really isn’t a nice situation to be in as the spouse who has to sit back and bite your tongue and watch when you know if they just started talking and expressing their emotions this whole situation is avoidable or at least problem solving becomes alot easier


Terrapin Just WOW

I've been thinking a lot about this since my BD. I'm not much of a 'talker' to begin with, but I am really sentimental, emotional, etc. So why did I rarely show that side to my W? Fear. Not only fear of W (or anyone) thinking I"m a 'sissy', but fear of making her mad.

For instance, if something was bothering me, I'd just bury it, cause I didn't want to upset her. "I'll just deal with it" was my thought process. But after a while, those things buried start to build and build, until eventually it explodes. When W and I were in MC years ago, I liked it. Not necessarily talking about my feelings, but having that mediated forum where we could both get things off our chests.

You have literally just summed up my H. And he recently a few weeks ago expressed this in a similar way to me( all bar realising it’s all exploded because I think he’s in denial about that part)
But yes, he admits he didn’t speak up out of fear of upsetting me or making me mad so he just would deal with it. This is so spot on yet you weren’t the BD person you were the receiver 😔

In my DB and whole 180 I am being alot more of a listener and providing a safer space to give him a chance to open up and show him I won’t get mad or upset but will take everything on board. Unfortunately there is still no real attempt to express things. Maybe out of fear of my reaction. But maybe because I don’t know how to tell him I am happy to listen without going against DB and saying “hey I’m here let’s have a chat tell me your thoughts” I def don’t want to smother him, but don’t know how else to show him it’s ok to speak up