One month may be a drop in the bucket for some, but when W seemingly wants to fast-track the D to be done in 90 days, every day counts. I'm sure once things get really rolling, it'll be almost impossible to stop.
As for GAL. It was for both, myself and M. Myself for mental piece of mind, recognizing my faults, etc. But ya, having W notice and reconsider is obviously in the back of my mind. No, I don't blame DB'ing for pushing her farther to D. lol. It's just weird to me that a month ago she was 'leaning' towards D, we've had a really good month, and now she's 'certain'. Again, I still would not be surprised in the least if there was OM involved. But I try not to think about it.
Have I given up? Perhaps. I mean how can you not at some point? I tend to take people at their word (stupid, I know), especially when they hand you documents and have spoken to a lawyer. My W is smart, successful, and beautiful. She also has a lot of demons. Would I be better off without her? Honestly, maybe.
Our son is really smart, and is a really good athlete. But he's extremely sensitive, hard on himself, and lacks self esteem (he's really small for his age). He may handle it like a champ. But the thought of having 'the talk' with him is unbearable. And IF he can't handle it and it leads to serious problems, that's something I would never forgive my W (or myself) for.
I'm not in IC. I may call our previous counselor. IDK if she's even still around. You gotta remember though, my W is also a therapist, and knows 90% of them around here. So it's not as easy as it sounds.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
W came home from work and took son to get a haircut. She texted and said she was picking food up for him and asked if I wanted anything. I said 'no thanks'. I then got son ready for his football game, and W asked if I mind if she rides with us. I said that's fine. We chatted a bit during the game.
It seems to me like she really wants to D, and does want to make it as amicable as possible. Honestly she has more to lose than I do. Which is why her wanting to rush things doesn't make sense. I can usually easily tell when she's stressed, struggling with things, having a mental breakdown, etc. But she seems so upbeat and extremely focused.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
W came home from work and took son to get a haircut. She texted and said she was picking food up for him and asked if I wanted anything. I said 'no thanks'. I then got son ready for his football game, and W asked if I mind if she rides with us. I said that's fine. We chatted a bit during the game.
It seems to me like she really wants to D, and does want to make it as amicable as possible. Honestly she has more to lose than I do. Which is why her wanting to rush things doesn't make sense. I can usually easily tell when she's stressed, struggling with things, having a mental breakdown, etc. But she seems so upbeat and extremely focused.
I can't wait for you to talk to your lawyer.
In my situation my wife had looked at something that had her convinced that we could do a quickie, cheap online D. When I consulted an attorney he told me that in our state there was no such thing with a minor child involved. I'm not buying what your wife is laying down.....
Last edited by SteveLW; 05/06/2304:39 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W came home from work and took son to get a haircut. She texted and said she was picking food up for him and asked if I wanted anything. I said 'no thanks'. I then got son ready for his football game, and W asked if I mind if she rides with us. I said that's fine. We chatted a bit during the game.
It seems to me like she really wants to D, and does want to make it as amicable as possible. Honestly she has more to lose than I do. Which is why her wanting to rush things doesn't make sense. I can usually easily tell when she's stressed, struggling with things, having a mental breakdown, etc. But she seems so upbeat and extremely focused.
I can't wait for you to talk to your lawyer.
In my situation my wife had looked at something that had her convinced that we could do a quickie, cheap online D. When I consulted an attorney he told me that in our state there was no such thing with a minor child involved. I'm not buying what your wife is laying down.....
Yeah, hopefully one calls me back someday!
All W said is she asked a lawyer that since there has been a 'total lack of intimacy', would a D have to wait the full year till finalized. Lawyer told her that it's possible to be final after 90 days. Also told her that since covid, she's seeing a ton of divorced couples cohabitating due to financial reasons. I have no interest in that, but W said that could be an option if necessary.
W also said that due to our lack of money, savings, etc, she's going to get a 2nd job a few evenings a week to pay for the retainer fee.
What's your thoughts Steve? IMO, either she's psyched herself up for this and wants it done asap so she isn't tempted to reconsider, or there's OM involved.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
All W said is she asked a lawyer that since there has been a 'total lack of intimacy', would a D have to wait the full year till finalized. Lawyer told her that it's possible to be final after 90 days.
W is cherry-picking her facts. It is true that in some locales withholding intimacy is a valid legal reason for divorce. Withholding being the key word. The weaponization of sex is abusive and therefore a legal cause.
However, it sounds like she is the withholder. And one cannot be both plaintiff and defendant, of the same activity. As example, my XW discovered in her web searching that a divorce can be filed immediately when there is physical or mental cruelty/abuse and/or an affair; forgoing the one year separation cool down period. She latched on to the affair idea. She wanted a quick divorce - Why? I have no idea. She’s hasn’t married OM or some such. Anyhow, she tried to charge herself with adultery. Yeah, I know, really bizarre. She found out she cannot. Only the victim, me, could charge her. And I didn’t do that.
T, you do not need to dance to the beat of W’s drum. She does have some reason(s) for speeding this along, yet you don’t have to follow suit. Especially given that it sounds like she has more to lose in a divorce than you. My guess is she feels she can get a better deal by rushing and making you feel like you and her are struggling financially.
Speak to a lawyer to get information. Go in with that mindset. You are only seeking information. Leave the all heavy lifting to W. Let her present you with her proposal. In writing. All you need to do when face to face with her is say you’ll look it over. Then take that to your lawyer and discuss.
Look this is going to time. To keep your stress level from going through the roof, focus on you, GAL, go about your life, and so on. Leave W to her path.
Originally Posted by Terapin
IMO, either she's psyched herself up for this and wants it done asap so she isn't tempted to reconsider, or there's OM involved.
Or she’s getting advice from her divorced friends, or her new best friends, or something else.
Divorce Busting, and more so the LRT, gives time and space for our spouse to perhaps reconsider. That possibility can only happen when we let go. They need their current feelings of the rightness of divorce to fade. That requires to cease reinforcing and justifying those feelings. The LBS can only do their bit in that, we cannot control what our spouse does.
Time and space. Give her lots of each. Let her feel what divorce will be like. Go dim. Be a grey rock. Let her do the heavy lifting without T’s support or help. Perhaps she will start to question her own self assuredness of her actions. And she will start to feel the guilt and regret and such which would actually help you. This is nothing you can directly control or force. It’s all counterintuitive, and so difficult; as MWD says like being asked to stop breathing.
As for the business side, treat this as a business deal gone sideways. You only presently need to gather information on your rights and the scenarios of potential outcome. Knowledge is power. Get your information and learn/know where you stand.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Steve and DnJ, thanks for the feedback. It means more than you know.
So I got a new grill/smoker, and have been keeping myself busy on Saturday's trying to 'cook' meats. It is relaxing, and gets me 'away' from stuff.
Today, after mowing grass, weed whacking, etc, etc, I tried smoking pork. W came out and spent the day pulling/cutting weeds in the back yard. When she would get a bunch of weeds/wood, I'd drive it up and throw it in the woods.
Around 6pm, I took a shower and told her I'm going out for a while. I went to the local restaurant and had a few drinks. Why is this important? Because I was thinking/planning on having a 'talk' with her and making one last plea to save our M. Instead I went 'out', which I know shocked her. My voyage didn't last long, but I had a good time
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Yeah it was weird Thursday night when she brought up the lack of physical intimacy. That's been my primary issue with our M for a decade; she rarely wants to have sex. I"m sure she'd say (and has said in the past) that since there's no emotional intimacy, we don't have physical intimacy. She also hasn't slept in our bed in probably 8 months. Our son likes to sleep on the couch and likes her out there with him, plus apparently I snore. So that's her reasons for sleeping on a couch. Yet she said that's a big reason for no intimacy. No kidding. I've done sleep studies, tried different mouthguards, etc to help with the snoring. Again, it was just weird that she used the things that bothered me as justification for her decision. It would be like me telling her the reason I want a D is because we don't have long emotional discussions about our feelings. lol
Hopefully one of these lawyers calls me back today. I just don't want to hand one $3000 (which I don't even have) unless it's absolutely necessary.
A mutual friend stopped by for 15 minutes on Saturday. W came out and the 3 of us chatted for a bit. This friend knows all about our history and current sitch. When W walked away, he said that if he didn't know better, he'd think we'd reached some sort of relationship breakthrough because of how good things seem to be between us. Maybe W is just totally happy because of the M finally coming to an end?
Anyway, thanks again!
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Yeah I guess. I was only gone for about 90 minutes. Not much conversation at all yesterday. I'm sure at some point this week she'll ask if I reviewed all the paperwork she gave me
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
