I see you quoting "believe nothing he says and only half of what he does". Then a few posts later "he says there's is no one else and I fully trust him". Huh? Which one is it?
One of the things I learned in my situation was that something had to change. Either I had to change my behavior or my marital status had to change. What I see from you is that you're holding on for dear life for things to go back to the way they were. How do I see that? Because you want to try to do the things that someone does to win someone new over. Problem: your husband isn't new. You've got history. Resentments built up. Past hurts. Mistakes, problems and worries. You don't have that with a new person. So you cannot treat your marriage like you could if you were starting over with someone new. Those tactics to win someone over will not work.
Another reason they won't work is he's seen that movie before. And he knows it is not sustainable long term. You simply can't be in limerance, do all the right things mode, forever. He knows that. Deep down you know that too. Even if becoming super wife could delay the inevitable, it would only be a delay. As soon as you became regular old wife Pattnee again he'd be off looking for something else.
So if you have to change something, and what comes intuitively has no chance of working, what is left? That's the power of DBing. GAL. 180s. Detachment. Removing all pressure and pursuit. Taking all of the focus of him and the marriage and putting it on yourself. That's the only real choice here. Trying to stay the same or treat him like you'd treat a new boyfriend will only cause the thing you fear most to come about.
The right answer to DNJ's question is: I don't know. I don't know if there is someone else or not. But regardless, it doesn't change what I need to do. See the difference?
Thanks Steve. Yep you’re so right and thanks for calling me out for it. You’re right I am trying to drum it into my head yet still somewhat believe him. I completely understand about the super wife thing. I tried that long before DB or learning about DB. After BD in Dec I literally tried to become super wife like you said. And I was exhausted and gosh are so right it didn’t work. So now I have certainly learnt that lesson and don’t want to trick him into coming home. I want him to come home on his own accord and wanting to rebuild on our M and repair it and use our foundations from the past to turn a corner and take this in a direction that will work and last. I don’t want to be back here again. It’s funny because time apart has really opened my eyes to his struggles and also my struggles and realising my true values for what I want moving forward.
I’m certainly trying to do a lot of 180 now.a complete turnaround to how I would normally be.I find I am far more relaxed too about it. GAL is happening too I am a work in progress Had friends over this evening for multiple bottles of wine. H had to come and drop D off after sport later in the evening and asked to pop in and have a glass. Of course I said yes. Once he walked in he started to try and tidy up and clean up the kitchen even though we were all just relaxing chatting drinking wine and laughing. I did comment and say to leave the dishes I will do them when everyone leaves. He continued to do it so I just ignored it and went back ti my friends( in the past I would have jumped up and felt guilty and trying to help or telling him to stop.) instead I just shrugged it off and enjoyed my moment with mates. A few minutes later he came and sat down with a wine and interacted with us ( leaving the cleaning up) A small win for me but I realised right here In that moment that he needs to know it’s ok to let that stuff go and not do everything before he can relax, he’s allowed to relax first and do the “errand “ Later. It’s funny because up until tonight I didn’t realise how important this lesson is for him to self manage. He was always one that everything needed to be done all the housework and tasks and errands before you sit and relax for the night ( regardless of how you feel or how your day has gone). This was a small win for me tonight in the sense I let him problem solve his own priorities and needs .he joined in the banter bid everyone farewell and I waved and went back to my friends. I am scaring myself at times now as to how I act🥲 Thanks again Steve for keeping me in check. You are right I am still wavering from the stuff I am trying to drum into myself. Am I holding on to dear life? Well not so much as I was.I don’t want things to go back to the way they were they never can. Do I have hope yes I do, and I am happy to have that hope because at least if there’s one of us that wants it then we have somewhat of a chance. Will I be ok if he decides to end our marriage for good? Yes I will ( he won’t but I will 😂). Sure I will be heartbroken and it will take a long time to fall out of love and one day open my heart again but I know I’ll be ok. Ask me a few months ago I would have felt an. Elephant sitting on my chest and an inability to breathe
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
