Detach

[Ready2Change]

Rock,

What do you want W to be to you?

I just don't believe you understand how attraction works.

Believe me, I did not know before my BD. I had bits and pieces. And a lot of bits and pieces that were completely wrong. Way wrong.


How many people are in your town? 100? It seams like you and W do not get any space from each other.

I have not seen my X in several years, and she lives less than 1 mile from me. All my kids are now living out of town, and I see at least one of them every month.


If you have a goal of attracting W back, she needs to have the chance of missing you.

[Rockon]

What do you recommend I do when W texts me a video reel about some family dynamics from a psychologist?

It seems to me that it’s something meaningful she wants to share with me communicating something of her experience and perspective. An opportunity for validation from me?

I haven’t responded.

[Rockon]

I think she is trying to share something for us to learn about what has happened in our family.

[Rockon]

Hi R2C,
I want W to be my W, my committed partner who respects and loves me faithfully because she chooses to. I want her to feel loved, honored and cared for by me. I want a great friendship and partnership with her but I don’t want to only be her friend.

[Rockon]

In the meantime, I want to love life without W. I am avoiding unnecessary contact with her. At this stage there is a lot for us to deal with especially re: S.

I honestly don’t know what to do and how to DB better but I want to improve and learn. Some changes I have made in recent months:
-no longer orchestrating family togetherness to include W
-not initiating contact with W
-24/48 hr rule
-not apologizing unless I have done something wrong or caused hurt
-improved validation
-standing up for myself more with how I want to be treated

I don’t know what the correct approach is with the ball games and W coming to watch. I am a player/coach and our family is involved. We played last year as well and so far this early in the season, W is coming out to watch every time and she didn’t last season which was months before BD. She has reported to our kids and she told me in text that she has really enjoyed coming to the games. Could this be an example of do more of what works? As long as I keep my expectations dialed to zero? I really don’t know.

I wonder if the games are a place where she is feeling accepted in community.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Rock

You know your situation best. We are all supportive and seek to suggest and provide our best, based upon what we read. Everyone interprets the world through their own lens, and we all colour your situation from our own experiences.

For example, I see in, and would expect, your posts to contain content about W. For me, this was and is the place to discuss and vent and talk about that facet of one’s life. That leads to a skewed and likely disproportionate surmising of your interactions with W. Sure, your posts have a high percentage of W content, yet your life’s events likely do not.

I don’t know what the correct approach is with the ball games and W coming to watch. I am a player/coach and our family is involved. We played last year as well and so far this early in the season, W is coming out to watch every time and she didn’t last season which was months before BD. She has reported to our kids and she told me in text that she has really enjoyed coming to the games. Could this be an example of do more of what works? As long as I keep my expectations dialed to zero? I really don’t know.

Go to the game. You are player and coach. Have a good time.

If W comes, that’s ok. Good even. She is free attend or not.

I suspect, my own colouring here, that you notice more than just W’s actives. Players, coaches, parents, and such. W is one of many. True she is an important one, and you likely do pay a bit more attention than say to the hotdog guy (I’m pretty sure there is no hotdog guy walking through the stands like the major leagues. Lol. Just using it for illustration. Still, a hotdog guy. Oh, that makes the game. And soft drinks too. And those pretzels. And nachos all smoothed in cheese. Errr.. I digress.)

Even now, seven years post bomb drop, when I happen to cross paths with W, a rarity for sure, I take notice of her. Of course, I do for lots of folks and places and events. For example, yesterday I had lunch with a previous coworker. He wore a peaky cap. Like the ones on the show Peaky Blinders. He never wore that style in all the years I’ve known him.

By the way, those crossing of paths with W are like she rode her bike near me or something. She doesn’t speak to me, nor ever reaches out. Your situation has a different level of contact. She texts and speak to you. Of course, you and her are still married. And son’s needs are a common concern.

I’d take her reporting to the kids and texting you that she enjoys the games as a positive. A simple, glad you enjoyed the game, would be all the necessary acknowledgment of her text.

It’s fine to respond to her. Not needy. Taking your time. And not relationship driven. Going dark or dim is a technique for one to regain their balance, not a tactic for reconciliation. If fact, without communication one cannot reconcile. Obviously, to reconcile one has to talk at some point. Keeping the door slightly ajar, is ok.

As I said, that’s my colouring of your situation based upon what and how I read your posts. Only you truly know if you are fixated upon, or merely noticing W and her behaviour.

I’d place the baseball games in the category of doing more that works. Keep expectations low and let W show her intent. Above all, enjoy the baseball game.

D

[Rockon]

Mothers Day approaches traditionally a time that our family honors W including a meal, usually outdoors, sometimes at a restaurant, cards, flowers. I read through a bit of the TMAK thread. W has been engaging more with our kids and family. At first after BD, she was very self-centered and disconnected from everything familiar except her M. She has been reconnecting with family, community, some friends and in some ways me. I am not interpreting any of this to indicate she wants back into the M.

How do I give her as much space as possible and honor her as our kids mom? I really want to get out of the way for her to choose and be who she needs to be.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Rock

How do I give her as much space as possible and honor her as our kids mom? I really want to get out of the way for her to choose and be who she needs to be.

It’s not your job to facilitate the relationship between Mom and the kids. It’s your job to just not destroy it.

This is the first Mother’s Day since BD for all of you. To get out of the way, you step aside, you get out of the way. With adult children, Mother’s Day is between them and her.

You don’t plan or initiate a family meal or picnic, and no cards or flowers. She’s not your Mom. And she’s not even participating in a relationship with you. Just let the day pass by.

If the kids seek some guidance, you can gentle steer. This is an opportunity to honour her as the kids’ Mom. You do so by supporting the kids, not demonizing their Mom, and recalling the awesome Mom she was, and perhaps sometimes still is.

Our kids are really struggling with my Wayward Wife’s (WW) abrupt change in behaviour, attitude and treatment of me.

However, your kids may still be struggling and upset with Mom’s behaviour. Let them forge their path forward on how they interact with Mom. And support their decisions. You most certainly do not want to get caught up within forcing a get together.

I, and my family, had likewise traditions - birthdays, Christmas, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and so forth. The kids and I didn’t lose them. We did modify them. And yes, it sure does feels bad for the first go around. The counterintuitive path. Seek and follow the rational and let the feelings flit.

D

[Ready2Change]

How do I give her as much space as possible and honor her as our kids mom? I really want to get out of the way for her to choose and be who she needs to be.

Make plans for yourself out of town.

Before fathers day rolls around, make plans with your kids.

[Rockon]

That sounds good