Would unloading on her bring you closer to your goal or further from your goal? Your logic may explain to you how unhappy she is right now. Time will tell if you were the source of her unhappiness. I would say the LRT is perfect for you right now.
Good point. Maybe I need to reread the LRT section, because I don't really remember any differences between that and DB'ing
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
First, get your own lawyer. All lawyers say to only use them. It's a crock. It would be like using a buyer's real estate agent. You Need your own representation. As an aside, your money is communal funds so she can already use your money for the retainer. Don't tell her this and don't offer it to her. Just let that go for now.
Second, slow down on the "it's over" talk. It'll be over when it's over. Her talking about it doesn't mean it's over. WASs are all talk. Until you see action, as in she actually files. We've seen the "is over because WAS said it was over" thing before.
Third, back to basics. GAL like a mad man. 180s and self improvements. You're already in a good place regarding detachment. Keep working in it. Remember, focus of her and the marriage and on to you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
P.S. 2x4 T. I feel like the "I don't want a D" was a bit of a lie. You should have said you weren't sure what you wanted. Water under the bridge, but don't reverbalize what you stated. Now you align your actions to those words.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
First, get your own lawyer. All lawyers say to only use them. It's a crock. It would be like using a buyer's real estate agent. You Need your own representation. As an aside, your money is communal funds so she can already use your money for the retainer. Don't tell her this and don't offer it to her. Just let that go for now.
Second, slow down on the "it's over" talk. It'll be over when it's over. Her talking about it doesn't mean it's over. WASs are all talk. Until you see action, as in she actually files. We've seen the "is over because WAS said it was over" thing before.
Third, back to basics. GAL like a mad man. 180s and self improvements. You're already in a good place regarding detachment. Keep working in it. Remember, focus of her and the marriage and on to you.
I talked to a lawyer this morning. She is going to call back to schedule an appointment.
Last night she said is going to file 'soon'. She said we can continue living like this, but she thinks trying to get this done in 90 days is probably best. I feel like once we have the conversation with our son, there's no turning back. When she asked why I even want to still married, I just told her I believe that barring physical abuse, infidelity, etc, D should be a last resort and all options should tried. She said we did try options (MC) and 'at best it was just a band aid'. And of course the usual 'I haven't been happy in years', 'we never had fun doing things', etc, etc.
I'll continue to 180, GAL, etc, but it won't make a difference regarding the marriage. I've been doing all that stuff for the last month and it did nothing, except possibly make her go from 75% to 100% sure she wants D. Even 5 years ago, when she was involved in an EA, she never had talked to a lawyer or went this far with stuff.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Can you expand on you’ve been 180ing the last month. What is different in the last month than from the previous 4 years 11 months?
I haven't brought up the relationship since BD
I've been much happier, more pleasant, etc on a daily basis
I've validated everything she's said since (stuff with her family, grandma dying, last nights talk, etc)
I've went 'out' several times without her, and without telling her exactly what I was doing.
I've been 'busy' most evenings and weekends.
I've done more around the house, somewhat in preparation of selling the house (cleaning the garage, work in the yard, etc).
Twice when we were hanging with friends the last two weeks (her idea), I supported her opinions on topics people were talking about. We had really good nights, where in the past we'd take shots at each other that often lead to fights.
The only thing that may not be a 180 is the relationship talk, because I never really initiated talks on that before anyway.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
So just to clarify you were doing the opposite for the last 4 years? So you were bombed 5 years ago and managed to save your marriage and then apparently immediately when back to your old ways? Am I understanding that correctly? Do you understand why your Stbxw said what she said?
So just to clarify you were doing the opposite for the last 4 years? So you were bombed 5 years ago and managed to save your marriage and then apparently immediately when back to your old ways? Am I understanding that correctly? Do you understand why your Stbxw said what she said?
Talk about a 2x4...
It's not like those 180s I mentioned never happened during the last 5 years. I tried to do most of those things, but I admit things have backslid over the last 7 or 8 months. Obviously when things were 'good', i wasn't going to go out without telling her where I was going, not reply to calls/texts, etc. So I guess if I were to be honest, true 180s now would be to initiate deep conversations, tell her exactly how I feel about things, plan more date nights, etc. You know, all the things that you're not supposed to do at this point.
Again, 5 years ago we started MC, and were going every week for about a year and a half. W denies it, but we were making very good progress. Hell we went from the brink of D and her having 0 feelings for me, to taking trips, talking, having sex, etc. Then covid hit. Our MC appointments stopped, and we've both fallen back into bad habits. For me, not communicating as much, being in bad moods, etc. For her, she stopped making a point to meet any of my physical needs (not just sex), words of support and appreciation stopped, etc. And over the past 6 or 7 years, where we once had very similar political views, she's done a complete 180, which has lead to a lot of fights.
Things still weren't that bad, then in November I had back surgery and was really restricted in what I could do for 6 weeks. It was then and shortly after that she started really withdrawing. I knew it. I saw it. I even asked her a few times if anything was wrong. Then BD day.
2 calls/messages to different lawyers today. Neither called back yet. lol
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
First, get your own lawyer. All lawyers say to only use them. It's a crock. It would be like using a buyer's real estate agent. You Need your own representation. As an aside, your money is communal funds so she can already use your money for the retainer. Don't tell her this and don't offer it to her. Just let that go for now.
Second, slow down on the "it's over" talk. It'll be over when it's over. Her talking about it doesn't mean it's over. WASs are all talk. Until you see action, as in she actually files. We've seen the "is over because WAS said it was over" thing before.
Third, back to basics. GAL like a mad man. 180s and self improvements. You're already in a good place regarding detachment. Keep working in it. Remember, focus of her and the marriage and on to you.
I talked to a lawyer this morning. She is going to call back to schedule an appointment.
Last night she said is going to file 'soon'. She said we can continue living like this, but she thinks trying to get this done in 90 days is probably best. I feel like once we have the conversation with our son, there's no turning back. When she asked why I even want to still married, I just told her I believe that barring physical abuse, infidelity, etc, D should be a last resort and all options should tried. She said we did try options (MC) and 'at best it was just a band aid'. And of course the usual 'I haven't been happy in years', 'we never had fun doing things', etc, etc.
I'll continue to 180, GAL, etc, but it won't make a difference regarding the marriage. I've been doing all that stuff for the last month and it did nothing, except possibly make her go from 75% to 100% sure she wants D. Even 5 years ago, when she was involved in an EA, she never had talked to a lawyer or went this far with stuff.
One month is a drop in the bucket. Plus now I'm questioning if the changes and GAL were just to try to save the marriage or if they are real changes Terapin is permanently making? And if I'm questioning that then so is she.
Don't kid yourself. If she went from 75% to 100% it would have whether you we're DBing or not! The alternative was to change nothing.... Which had already taken her to 75%! T, that's not even logical. And there's no such thing as 100%. That's the talk of a man that had given up. Haver you given up?
As far as taking to son as a point of no return. No, just no. I've seen several couples go all the way through divorce, only to reconcile. Death of one of the spouses is the only true point of no return.
Are you in IC? How's that going?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
