I’m still so lost

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

I’m glad to see you are back to work. It’s probably nice to not be so cooped up in the house convalescing.

Am I allowing the whole cake eating?

Cake eating is allowing, partaking in, sex while the other partner is also actively in an affair or likewise other sexual relationship. From my understanding, it’s not confirmed your H is seeing anyone else, and you and he are seldom (not?) intimate at the moment.

Not allowing cake eating is a good boundary. Often a new LBS is so hurt they may allow such disrespectful behaviour in efforts to fix things. We are pretty mixed up at BD and would do some desperate things. If one’s marriage wasn’t open before, do not open it now.

Is this situation unique?

Folks in turmoil or crisis or emotional stress come in a few flavours. The spectrum of contact ranges from high to low as: Clinging Boomerang, Boomerang, Off-n-On, and Vanisher.

The Off-n-On has touch and go moments. The contact is more notes, emails, and such; usually ramping up during holidays and special occasions. Their contact is more testing and feelers to see how we are judging them; although that is a common trait across all type.

The Boomerang, just when you think they done, they circle around and fly back in. This is the most common type. They bounce from distance to back in your face.

The clinging boomerang is even more so in contact with the LBS. These folks are more dependent and/or codependent, where as the boomerang is more independent. The clinger seeks reassurance often from fear of abandonment issues.

The vanisher drops off the face of the earth. Unlike the Boomerang who often will still walk into the house like they never left, the Vanisher is just gone. My XW is such a gal. No contact with me, and very little with her children.

Along with these types is their energy level. High energy and wallowing. The high energy type burn the candle at both ends. Their running behaviours are full tilt; affairs, spending, drinking, drugs, and such.

The other is Wallower. These folks still exhibit running behaviours and confusion and such. However, they more brood and sit and wallow in their depression. This is unlike the high energy folks who are really attempting to outrun their depression.

Remember, depression is at the heart of this. These folks have unrealized hurts and torments from long ago, and very poor coping skills. They have lots to learn and growing up to do.

Your H is more a clinging boomerang, exhibiting more wallower traits methinks. That is one of the less common types.

My XW was a high energy vanisher. She ran full tilt and destroyed her world. She pushed hard for divorce and threw everyone away. A wallower is less likely, is less driven, to push towards such finality.

it’s almost like I feel like we have gone back to some weird dating. I had def tried to be more the “distancer” and less pursuer as hard as it is to flip my whole mentality of acting like a crazywoman the last two months.

Keep up the 180’s. Allow time and space. H is much in your life, and also needing his space.

It’s ok to follow his lead, while you maintain certain boundaries. Good on you for seeing this as a weird dating type thing. As long as you keep your expectations really low, and go with the flow, H does appear to be responding rather positively. Keep moving forward and let him catch up to you.

Realize there will be setbacks (on both sides) and this will take time.

D