I’m still so lost

[Pattnee5]

Played the game again tonight. Had dinner together cleaned up enjoyed a glass of wine and H made small talk discussed work, lots of validating from me when he vented (which I always ignored) and then flirty talk. Even offered his intimate service with nothing in return. I laughed it off. Come to think of it can I use H and have my cake for a change?🤔🤣 H is far more relaxed casual, caring, even like my old H from a few years ago. Thinking back to BD I would say he had changed a good 12 months before was the slow decline that then escalated,withdrawn, anger, getting older, weight gain masculinity challenged etc our communication suffered. It’s almost like I feel that he needed to remove himself to re-centre himself and for me to wake up to my neglect and wake up to the fact that I didn’t like the last year of how our relationship panned out. It can turn around and be so amazing if he is willing to do the work. Again can’t make him I know.

Anyway I don’t know If I am doing the right thing. My actions are very 180 to how I used to be, no more nagging much calmer, fun, engaging, relaxed. Every action I keep thinking “how would I normally act now let me flip it”. Is this situation unique? So much contact and normal interactions so much genuine care, is he trying to rebuild his feelings or re centre himself from that version of himself he became and felt he couldn’t do it at home? Who knows. As I said I have some social gatherings this weekend he made a joke that he should comes I didn’t respond and changed subject.

I do love him so very much but I can’t fix him I know that he needs to do this himself for it to build a solid foundation for us. However it’s almost like I feel like we have gone back to some weird dating. I had def tried to be more the “distancer” and less pursuer as hard as it is to flip my whole mentality of acting like a crazywoman the last two months.