Almost 3 months since my last post on my thread. Huh, has it been that long???
Are there reasons for that? Yes indeed, and I would like to share them with you in the first place.
Since the end of December, G and I have been seeing each other on a very regular basis as you know. (so now for about 4 months in total and this on a weekly basis together during the weekends)
I am never going to forget what I read from a woman who also posted a lot here and had developed her own website but then sadly passed away. (Not allowed to mention names I thought but you all know who I am talking about)
"Enjoy the time they threat you as a princess and that they want to date if you want of course." But I also always knew thanks to her that this was not the end of his MLC.
So I deliberately did not write here as long as everything was going really well and we were rebuilding, I knew there was going to be a period where he still had to wrestle with some demons and come to terms with them. In other words, fully face the consequences of his actions over the past few years, because after all, he still hadn't done that. (Yes, I reveived many many sorry's and he continuously tried to make up for it but I knew it missed something)
Also what DnJ said:
Like before, there is little one do can speed this up. An LBS trying to get answers or hurry things along will certainly delay/derail the MLCer. Consider it took about two years from trigger to BD. It takes similar from awakening to acceptance. And then a settling in period to final acceptance, where the MLCer truly closes the door to their crisis.
This moment has actually been going on since about two weeks.
But first things first, I will give you an overview of how the last 4 months went. Since the beginning that we started seeing each other again on a regular basis, something beautiful has actually started to grow again between us. Slightly similar to when we just met but oh so much better as both he and I have changed immensely. Where he used to be the alpha and I used to rather follow and thus actually stood a bit in his shadow, this is now totally out of the question. We now treat each other as equals, which is an incredible step forward. He is also much more attentive to what I want, he no longer puts his needs first, I have seen a very beautiful person the last few months. With struggles, of course, but one with a very good heart, who was constantly there for me and the children.
Read well though, we are still not in an official relationship today. I am not ready for that, see also above since I knew there would be a fallback, he not ready because there are things he has not yet cleared up with himself.
And I have been proven right... Trigger. A few months ago, I shared with you that OW2 got pregnant unexpectedly, this at the age of 44. She could not have children, but got pregnant anyway. She was understandably extremely happy that she was pregnant and decided to keep it, he totally the opposite. The relationship was already going very badly before this fact and of course they then broke up in very bad circumstances. She consciously chose to become a single mother, also lives in another country.
I have talked to G a lot about this over the past few months. I knew that EXH (MLC H) was indeed going to push this away completely and walk away from it, however, I also knew that G was never going to get this over his heart to mean nothing to that baby. The more G surfaced over the last few months, the more he talked about going to visit that baby when it was born. Today, there are only 2 people in his family who know about the existence of the baby, which are his father and myself. Both of us encouraged him to go and visit the little child. He also still had stuff from OW2 that he needed to return so that was the perfect time.
However, he put it off several times because he couldn't handle it and kept pushing it back until he found the strength, 3 weeks ago he visited them, this for 1 day.
I am keenly aware that this might be a factor that could push him in 2 directions, but it is something he had to face, otherwise he would remain stuck in his current pattern.
After his return, of course, he completey broke down again. Less open in his communication, more distant, crying, don't know how to handle things. He did tell me a week later that this visit loosened up a lot, that he realises all the more what he did to all of us and that he can't completely ignore the little one as he had thought, that somehow he has to find a way to play a role but that he doesn't know how at all (other country so not so obvious). He is also incredibly afraid of other people's reactions, taking this news to our children and the rest of the family etc.,
How he feels about OW2? He hasn't really shared that with me yet. Logical given the relationship we've had for the last few months. Does he not want to hurt me, does he first want to be 100% sure himself how to handle everything, is he at the point where he will finally make final choices? (end of withdrawal, going into acceptance?)
The future will tell.
However, I do know what I want now. this became clear the past days, since his change in behavior again. I'm slightly afraid I will loose him again (strange feeling, haven't had this for a long time). I have felt very good with him in the last few months. I've had an incredibly nice time. If at all possible, I want to give it back a chance to rebuild something, even if it means accepting a child he has with another woman into our lives. I do love him and want him in my life, that's for sure.
Now I am letting go of him for a while. I feel he perceives it as pressure when I try to continue asking. So I consciously told him today that I am giving him space and time. He is away for a few days, all by himself so that means something.
If things turn out differently, will my heart break again? Presumably still a little bit, not completely as my heart is not yet fully open to him again, but I will get out of that too and become all the stronger.
