Are you a married guy or a single guy? Mentally, legally? I am not looking for an answer but rather for you to self reflect.
Most of the guys that show up here have no game and need to find their mojo. I am typically hesitant on advising how they can "practice" interacting with women testing ways to be more attractive to women in general, which should improve their odds of attracting their spouse back.
Originally Posted by Pablomon
she just keep saying he treats her good and thats all she is getting
Reading between the lines, I am sure she is getting more from him, but that is not the important part.
The important part is your NEW understanding of what "Treating her good" means to HER. For example most guys do not know how to listen to a woman. Improving your listening skills might change the way she FEELS and determines if you are treating her good. You have to take a hard look at your behavior and determine if there are things you would like to change that would make her feel like you are treating her good. I am not saying go all puppy dog man and do supplicating behavior, but become a better version of yourself.
Even there, you do not need to put much weight on her words, but rather your internal desire to address any issue you have in your own behavior.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
After reading the last comments I want to share this, i am human i have lust of course but i am not looking her for lust, honestly i have had infatuation but not Limerence myself, i have been lucky in life when it comes to women not only women but physically beautiful woman, so no it's not sex, sex can be easily accesed, i love my wife but i hate the pain I'm feeling, i love her so much that seeing her in this destruction spiral is killing me on the inside and i don't have good coping mechanisms unfortunately, after 4 days of alcohol and even hooking up which i agree i should have not i was left with a worse feeling than the one i had because i realized i wanted this sometimes while being married but now i understand its not what i want, i want to keep working in trying to fix this but i really don't know how to ease the pain a little to keep hanging in there, it's been to hard on us honestly but i thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the advise.
We have all been there. DBing is learning new skills. I throw it in to "Personal growth"
Originally Posted by Pablomon
... i hate the pain I'm feeling... and i don't have good coping mechanisms unfortunately
Us humans can relive an event over and over in our mind and have an emotional reaction every time. Our brains are our worst enemy. Worse yet, we can imagine things that have not even happened yet and have emotional reactions. Controlling my wandering brain was part of my personal growth journey. Staying in the present is a skill worth learning.
Also, we have so many repressed emotions that need to come out. Triggers sometimes let them out at the wrong time. Finding a safe time and place to let them out is very helpful. Some IC's can help guide you through this.
I remember the pain of divorce was worse than the deaths of my sibling. Our spouses choosing this path is a good mind F. Wrapping our brains around the reality of our sitch and accepting it takes time. Lots of emotional work.
Originally Posted by Pablomon
i really don't know how to ease the pain a little to keep hanging in there, it's been to hard on us honestly but i thank you all from the bottom of my heart for the advise.
For me, accepting that the pain needs to happen and actually embracing the feeling and letting the tears flow at a safe time and place helped.
There are some that talk about two spiritual being actually wanting and needing to experience all of these emotions.
I really found "Radical Forgiveness" extremely helpful as well as "the four agreements".
Originally Posted by Pablomon
i love her so much that seeing her in this destruction spiral is killing me on the inside
You are lucky to be an empath. Somehow we find ways to set the loved ones in our life free to make their own choices and live with the consequences of those choices.
It is really hard to change our own behaviors, almost impossible to change others. Focus on what you have control of...you. We can try to influence others, but when it is unsolicited, pretty much impossible. Lord knows how many of us keep passing out the 2x4's because the newbies keep repeating old habits that no longer work.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Thanks ready2change!I am allowing her to feel the consequences but it hurt me so badly knowing she is being used, knowing she is living under poverty not even basic things for her, knowing she is not even able to pay her bills now, it’s hard on me cause i love her and don’t want nothing wrong to happen to her but understand it’s her choice, how do you enter an affair with a guy that deals pot for a living and cannot even take care of himself, if i need to remarry i will, if i need to stop the divorce i will, i will take her back but i need her to get to repentance same way as i repent my [censored] behaviours now as i know they contributed a lot however she need to learn an affair was not the way to fix this.
I’m having a hard time detaching and letting go, i love her a lot, sometimes i also think we should remain divorced as marriage got bad at the end however i still love her a lot, i think i got limerence from her dumping me which i also read it’s not as rare as we think, i am avoidant and this triggered me to became anxious and the anxiety and loneliness are killing me thats why i ended up hooking up with somebody that i didnt even like and at the end i felt worse,
Last edited by DnJ; 05/02/2303:23 PM. Reason: Removed swear word.
Please be aware and refrain from using foul language. I realize it is commonplace and easy to slide into that mode without realizing it, like sitting around a campfire and talking with friends.
My bad, it was not as foul hahaha but i understand, just feel a little irate of seeing my wife behaving as a kid
Your divorce is in process, no? I think you'd do yourself a benefit by referring to her as "my soon to be ex-wife" rather than my "wife". I get the impression that you see the divorce filing as a simple legality rather than the fact that your marriage to her is coming to an end.
This might help: your marriage to her was over long before you filed for divorce! If you eventually end up reconciling with her it will be a brand new marriage.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
