I’m still so lost

[SteveLW]

Pattnee, for me it was a lightbulb moment. My situation in 2017 was our second. I learned about DBing in 2005 when my wife first BD me. So after a couple of days of moping and being sad after BD 2017, it hit me. I had to go back to DB. I.had to go back to letting her go.

The thing I realized was that nothing I did or said mattered. If she wanted to divorce me she would. All I could do is GAL, 180, and detach for me! Not to try to save my marriage but because I wanted to be the best version of myself that I could be.

So that's what I focused on. And over time detachment got easier and I got better at it.

[Pattnee5]

Thankyou D and apologies for the language. I’ll try some of your suggestions. The emotional time and tears are certainly far far less now than before but it’s fleeting moments and thoughts such as waking up in the morning with an empty bed or going to bed at night with the empty bed, or watching a fav tv show and realising that person isn’t there anymore to share this with, or Facebook memories popping up from a year ago of an amazing vacation that was had with smiles and hugs. It certainly hurts knowing how we took that for granted and now I find myself in this time that feels just like a horrible horrible dream, and all I have is memories and those old feelings to cherish
I’ll try again today and re read the detachment and see if I can start to drop that rope

[Pattnee5]

Thankyou also steve it makes sense. It all makes so much sense and I know I can’t fix him, I know I am not going to let his problems drag me down especially when he has chosen to walk away and deal with them alone. I know I can be happy and I am doing a pretty decent job of the 180 that’s for sure but of course there’s triggers in my day that pull me under again.
I might try thinking of the stop sign. Keeping busy does help. GAL is certainly high on my priority too.For me and the kids. But how hard is it to plan something fun with them and not invite H. Sheesh that hurts too.

[Ready2Change]

Any advice or steps that can work on helping with detachment?

If you love him, set him free. Forgive his behavior. Pray if needed to help you forgive. Take all of your focus and focus on what you control. You. Your behavior.


Our brains are our worst enemy. Learn to stay in the present.

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.” – Master Oogway

Fear lives in our imaginary future. Regret lives in our memories of the past. Both of those are our brains "entertaining" itself. Use the stop sign technique to get back to here and now.

Read the four agreements. It is a short quick read. Read it frequently. Every time I read it, I learn something new.

[Pattnee5]

Thankyou Ready. I can see that’s a book so I’ll look into it.
Can you elaborate where to find the stop sign technique? Might help. At the moment I am just imagining a red stop sign every time my thoughts go wayward.

[Pattnee5]

Maybe a tiny win for me tonight. Had an ok day surrounded with family this evening and laughs. H dropped kids off gave me a kiss and off he went🤷🏼‍♀️.( I don’t get this almost acting normal but leaving I actually hope it affects him. ) His loss we had a delicious home cooked meal together. Tonight after putting kids to bed I started to get teary thinking “ it’s been 7 weeks since he moved out the longer it goes on the less chance he will come home” (of course I also started googling things which say after 6 months your chance is very low of reconciling so this of course was wrong and tears started to fill my eyes I felt the emotions coming and boiling up and then I just closed my eyes visualised a giant stop sign and told myself “I can’t fix him this is his issues and I can’t let them drag me down anymore” tears subside and can continue with my evening and finishing off DR finally. I am about to start to read It all over again ( why not). So a very tiny win I guess but I have a few phrases each time my thoughts to wayward and so far so good.
I also did something completely silly that I never do/believe in and engaged a psychic( see what happens when you’re bored at home and desperate). Can’t say I ever believed in any of that stuff but after today my goodness maybe I am wrong.I got some heavy insight and reassurance that this is his emotional issues in his midlife crisis like state to deal with not mine and that if he walks away it will be his biggest mistake of his life. I don’t know how they know this off a photo and a phone call. Pretty much what you are all drumming into me anyway but the insight was extremely personal and knew some very deep things that I am gobsmacked how they know. Anyway even if it was garbage it bought me a lot of peace as well today. Phew another day done and dusted.

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

MWD does mention imagining a large red stop sign to halt one’s runaway emotions and thoughts. Your controlled effort last night was perfect. I really like the added mantra to reinforce the effort as well.

Tonight after putting kids to bed I started to get teary thinking “ it’s been 7 weeks since he moved out the longer it goes on the less chance he will come home” (of course I also started googling things which say after 6 months your chance is very low of reconciling so this of course was wrong and tears started to fill my eyes I felt the emotions coming and boiling up and then I just closed my eyes visualised a giant stop sign and told myself “I can’t fix him this is his issues and I can’t let them drag me down anymore” tears subside and can continue with my evening and finishing off DR finally. I am about to start to read It all over again ( why not). So a very tiny win I guess but I have a few phrases each time my thoughts to wayward and so far so good.

A snippet from the internet of the stop technique for anxiety.

S: Stop. Whatever you're doing, just pause momentarily.
T: Take a breath. Re-connect with your breath. The breath is an anchor to the present moment.
O: Observe. Notice what is happening. What is happening inside you, and outside of you?
P: Proceed. Continue doing what you were doing.


It’s a simple and effective, a temporary redirection of yourself to gain influence upon your emotions. I’d also suggest that whatever feeling you are temporarily “stopping”, you seek to explore during your scheduled time. Feelings are indicative of things within, stuff which needs to be expressed and felt and let go. Otherwise it builds up.

Yes, it is a win. Those internal shifts chip away at our emotion’s hold upon us. You rationalized your path forward out of it. A step towards detachment. Well done.

D

[Pattnee5]

It’s a simple and effective, a temporary redirection of yourself to gain influence upon your emotions. I’d also suggest that whatever feeling you are temporarily “stopping”, you seek to explore during your scheduled time. Feelings are indicative of things within, stuff which needs to be expressed and felt and let go. Otherwise it builds up.

D

Thankyou D for your summary and explanation.I am not really sure what it is I need to explore within on this one😔 I was just thinking that chances of him coming home are slipping away the longer this apart time goes and I just filled with such sadness at the thought because of how much I love him and fhe though of him no longer being my husband. I’ve always know he is my soulmate my best friend and I have loved him every single day for 20 years so the thought of no longer having that (or having it but him never returning) still breaks my heart.

[Pattnee5]

Ok back for a bit of advice. It makes no sense to me this whole H and our situation but I know it’s not my place to make sense of something. I still feel it’s some sort of midlife scenario when’re he feels old, tired, unsure of stuff. Anyway he’s been wanting to be around for dinner a bit(even offering to cook tonight as I am finally back at work). Obviously also in the mornings to organise kids for school and yesterday even came and bought me lunch. Often he comes and sits with me at the table. Or sits on the couch with a tea and makes small talk, smiles, flirts, hugs, still kissing me on the lips hello goodbye. Am I allowing the whole cake eating? There’s no intimacy now, no dropping the ILY or asking about R. Just responding, smiling, if he flirts smiling , validating where I need to, appreciating his help and thanking him etc. I generally have been pretty good sticking to it for the last few days, but it’s like he always wants to be here and be around us but not even the kids but be around me. He hasn’t sat this much with me in a very long time. Am I being completely daft and silly ? I am wondering if this is glimmers of him wanting to try and find his way back, or is it just cake eating where he wants the best of everything then disappears to sleep. Or is he trying to fall back in love? I don’t for a second believe he stopped loving me( the whole believe nothing) the way he looks at me touches me and how caring etc the love is still there just buried under all his issues. Anyway I have some social plans this weekend obviously I don’t invite him and have friends over so that’s fun. He may get FOMO and maybe not. Will be nice to doll myself up to a tee as well and feel good and look good etc. I am finding I am much more calm and at peace but just am so baffled by this behaviour. I guess I am allowing the behaviour because of hope but am keeping my poise and class and staying polite and not instigating, however when the man you love and the man you know loves you wants to hug you and kiss you and bring you coffee or make flirty comments of course I am going to smile and acknowledge. He certainly seeems so very different to the man that BD at Christmas and even the man that moved out.
Anyhow work today, some social gatherings this weekend and I am still smiling and calm

[Pattnee5]

Played the game again tonight. Had dinner together cleaned up enjoyed a glass of wine and H made small talk discussed work, lots of validating from me when he vented (which I always ignored) and then flirty talk. Even offered his intimate service with nothing in return. I laughed it off. Come to think of it can I use H and have my cake for a change?🤔🤣 H is far more relaxed casual, caring, even like my old H from a few years ago. Thinking back to BD I would say he had changed a good 12 months before was the slow decline that then escalated,withdrawn, anger, getting older, weight gain masculinity challenged etc our communication suffered. It’s almost like I feel that he needed to remove himself to re-centre himself and for me to wake up to my neglect and wake up to the fact that I didn’t like the last year of how our relationship panned out. It can turn around and be so amazing if he is willing to do the work. Again can’t make him I know.

Anyway I don’t know If I am doing the right thing. My actions are very 180 to how I used to be, no more nagging much calmer, fun, engaging, relaxed. Every action I keep thinking “how would I normally act now let me flip it”. Is this situation unique? So much contact and normal interactions so much genuine care, is he trying to rebuild his feelings or re centre himself from that version of himself he became and felt he couldn’t do it at home? Who knows. As I said I have some social gatherings this weekend he made a joke that he should comes I didn’t respond and changed subject.

I do love him so very much but I can’t fix him I know that he needs to do this himself for it to build a solid foundation for us. However it’s almost like I feel like we have gone back to some weird dating. I had def tried to be more the “distancer” and less pursuer as hard as it is to flip my whole mentality of acting like a crazywoman the last two months.