You go out and have a few beers with your friend and she decides to divorce you. Does this make sense? I would argue if anything she’s frustrated because you’ve sat on the couch for 15 years and now that she has decided to divorce you that you are becoming exciting.
I went into her office this morning and some of the divorce stuff she had 'hidden' was now openly on her desk. So she was obviously working on something, for the first time in a few weeks.
I do think sometimes GAL backfires
You are jumping to conclusions. The only thing, is that W was looking at her paperwork. Perhaps she was reconsidering. Or perhaps she was working on it. Or perhaps something else. In any event, why did she not hide it away again? Don’t fool yourself, she left those out on purpose.
To me, she left the papers out, staged it for you to see. All in an effort to hook you back in. To stir your emotions and get you back upon the shelf. She noticed you. And likely reacted.
Best you can do, don’t react. Initiate nothing regarding the displayed paperwork. It’s her divorce, let her bring it up if she wants to. She is looking for a fight, for a reason, for justifications. Remain kind and cordial, and keep doing you.
GAL doesn’t backfire. The problems come if you are doing it as a ploy. Getting a life, is for you. Make those changes permanent and for you, not an attempt to lure W back.
Time is your ally in all this. Time for W’s present emotions to calm and extinguish. Time for her other feelings to surface. Guilt, remorse, sadness, loss, and so on. If you resupply her justifications and such, she will not get to feel these other emotions that may work in your favour. Dig for patience and stick to the path. Time and space. GAL. It is working after all, she did notice you.
Keep moving forward. Become Terapin2.0, the best version of you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
No not a mistake in my book - way to GAL. Now do it again. And don’t worry be happy.
I went into her office this morning and some of the divorce stuff she had 'hidden' was now openly on her desk. So she was obviously working on something, for the first time in a few weeks.
I do think sometimes GAL backfires
I'm confused why you think that. What backfires is going into her office to see what she was up to. None of that matters. I told you about my wife and her divorce documentation. None of that means anything. I'm with boat, not sure how you sitting on the couch vs. going and getting some GAL is better??
GAL, 180s, and detachment aren't about saving the marriage. This is what most LBSs do not get. If you are doing these things solely because of the effect it has on her, then you're doing it wrong. Those things are for you, not her. Not the marriage. It is counterintuitive but the best way to save the marriage is to not try to save it!
I am confused though. For someone that isn't even sure if he wants to save the marriage, you seem awfully afraid of her divorcing you. Can you consider that and explain it to us?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ok, thanks for the feedback, and as usual, you guys are right.
I guess going into her office (I have stuff in there too) is an attempt to see what is going on, so I"m not blindsided with anything else? I think it's helpful to see what she is/was thinking regarding custody, lawyers, division of assets, etc. Maybe I"m wrong though.
I do understand GAL is for me, not her. I just never had much time to do stuff, especially during the week. For the last 6 years I take son to practice, coach his teams, etc. On the rare occasion I get an evening 'off', I typically just like to relax. So going out for a few hours was a big 180 for me. IDK if it bothered her or not. She didn't seem mad or anything this morning.
Steve, that's a good question, so I'll try to answer as best I can.
The past few months, neither of our needs were being met. So I started to ponder D. IDK if I could have pulled the trigger though, unless I had proof of an affair or something. A part of my stubborn personality is not quitting or giving up on stuff.
So to answer your question, yes, I still love my W. I love our family, what we've built together, etc. I'm still of the opinion that IF we both recommit and put in the work, we could have a good (not perfect) marriage. So I do lean towards saving the M, at least with the information I have now (no proof of A, etc).
That being said, I honestly wouldn't be completely devastated if we moved forward with D. I know it will suck, but I also know that I'll be fine, and maybe better off in the long run. Mentally I feel pretty good.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
To me it sounds like you are in a good spot mentally. Keep up that attitude.
As far as what happened, take a step back, as boat said, divorcing you over beers isn't happening. Getting mad that you aren't falling apart, groveling, or doing something wrong that she can point that finger at to blame you for very well could be.
She absolutely wanted you to notice what she was doing so you'd go check. Don't let her know it worked. Don't bring a thing up.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Well folks, it's over. As expected, while son was at practice tonight, W sat me down to 'talk'.
It was all business with her. She handed me papers, spreadsheets, etc. Said she's spoke to a lawyer, and since our 'lack of intimacy', we could probably get D in 90 days. I didn't say much, except 'i'll need some time to look at this stuff.'. She asked how I felt about it, and I said I don't agree with the D, I won't hold her hand through the process, but I'll support her decision. Also as expected, she went on about how we've already 'tried' MC, how we've drifted so far apart, and she's always had this in the back of her mind. I was pretty stoic throughout, but when she started talking about telling our son about this in the near future, I started to get pissed. Not sad. Mad. Like, don't sit there telling me we can get divorced in 90 days, then turn around saying how it breaks your heart telling our son, my family, etc. Son really wants to go to the beach on Memorial Day like last year. Now we can't. I said nothing though.
Anyway, for those that have been through a D, can you offer any feedback on these things? 1. She said the lawyer told her that if she gets her as a retainer ($2500), and we could agree on all the assets, debts, etc, the lawyer can do all the paperwork and stuff. But, if we start fighting about stuff, the lawyer would be 'hers', and I'd have to find one. Again, neither her or I have much money for this. I'm going to at least talk to a lawyer, but is it even possible to work everything out on our own?
2. She repeatedly was saying she has no idea how she's going to afford to live, and she's going to get a 2nd job to make extra money. She also somewhat asked for help for the lawyer retainer fee. She says the only thing she really cares about is at least 50/50 with our son, and for her to get the dog (fine by me). I know it'll take some time to get everything together and to get the house sold. But should I start looking for a house now? Like, if/when this house sells, I have literally no place to go. lol.
So, that's that. It's funny, 3 weeks ago she said she'd possibly be open to working on things. We've had 3 good weeks together, and now she's 100% sure she wants the D. She again said there's nobody else involved, but who knows. Regardless, thanks for all the advice everyone gave. D or not, it's already helped me immensely.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Sorry to hear about your latest update. You absolutely can work this out on your own and save on lawyer fees but you do need 2 lawyers. As I posted earlier I would have your lawyer draw something up in your favor and see if the guilt may get her to sign it. As far as housing you’ll need to see if your qualify for a mortgage on your own. Any chance you buy her out of the home? Telling your son will be difficult but children are resilient and he will be ok as long as he knows both parents love him. You are going to cycle through lots of emotions so try not to act on any of them. In time you will be just fine.
Well done stating you don’t want a divorce, yet you’ll not stand in her way if that is what she wants. You don’t place boulders on her path, and you don’t necessarily help her either.
Originally Posted by Terapin
…3 weeks ago she said she'd possibly be open to working on things. We've had 3 good weeks together, and now she's 100% sure she wants the D.
Yep. Sure sounds like emotional decision making. It’s anyone’s guess what she’ll think three weeks from now.
W has make a clear declaration. Time to back off. Stick to the business at hand. Focus on you and son. And give her lots of time and space.
Originally Posted by Terapin
1. She said the lawyer told her that if she gets her as a retainer ($2500), and we could agree on all the assets, debts, etc, the lawyer can do all the paperwork and stuff. But, if we start fighting about stuff, the lawyer would be 'hers', and I'd have to find one. Again, neither her or I have much money for this. I'm going to at least talk to a lawyer, but is it even possible to work everything out on our own?
Get your own lawyer. This site has many many stores of negotiating turning bad.
This will be the biggest financial decision of your life. And a huge decision regarding son. On top of that, you will likely be in the worse emotional state of your life. That is a recipe for some very poor decision making. Get legal counsel. Learn your rights. Find out the best case, worst case, and the likely case scenarios; and go from there.
W is not in your team. Her lawyer, is her lawyer. Not to mention most locales require each party to have individual legal representations anyhow.
Originally Posted by Terapin
2. She repeatedly was saying she has no idea how she's going to afford to live, and she's going to get a 2nd job to make extra money. She also somewhat asked for help for the lawyer retainer fee. She says the only thing she really cares about is at least 50/50 with our son, and for her to get the dog (fine by me). I know it'll take some time to get everything together and to get the house sold. But should I start looking for a house now? Like, if/when this house sells, I have literally no place to go.
Do not make, nor agree to any arrangements unless your lawyer has said it’s ok. These wee deals can set precedent. And no, she can pay for her own lawyer’s retainer.
Perhaps, through negotiating, you will pay her lawyer fees in exchange for other considerations.
Regarding the house. Would you (or her) still like to live there? Can either of you afford to when going solo? If you do, and can afford it, buy out her share. Kids (and the courts) do like to live in the family home.
These situations/journeys are two paths. The emotional/healing side and the business side. Right now the business side needs some attention. Your other path, the emotional and healing path, keep moving forward. Focus on you. GAL. Go dim. Detach.
You and son can still go to the beach. Right?
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks. Yeah, emotions are running high right now. I know it happens every day, but it still blows my mind how someone can rush to give up their spouse, son, a quarter million dollar home, security, etc, etc for their subjective view of possible happiness. I could see if there was physical abuse, adultery, etc. But 'drifting apart'? It makes me so mad.
Anyway, what's the play now? I have to be nice, so we can work amicably on things. I feel like unloading on her. She's done it to me for years, but I know I can't/shouldn't. I've been reading about LRT, but honestly, is there a difference between LRT and regular DB'ing?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Would unloading on her bring you closer to your goal or further from your goal? Your logic may explain to you how unhappy she is right now. Time will tell if you were the source of her unhappiness. I would say the LRT is perfect for you right now.
