I’m still so lost

[Pattnee5]

It’s almost like I jinxed myself today 🤦🏼‍♀️D had some emotional issues in the morning which in turn led to R talk between H and i that he initiated. I started well and listened well, responded acknowledged my errors and apologised for my ways. But I was highly emotional and probably said a few things I shouldn’t have actually I know I did because it was almost like I could see the wall go up( as he hugged me). I ended up in bed all day after that with a shocking virus and headache and feel like all my emotions this morning and during conversation were on hyperdrive because of this virus that was setting in. It’s almost like all I’ve read on DB went out. I didn’t beg or plead or anything but was calm and composed and said my pieces and my apologies for my errors and acknowledged I am working on it. My biggest mistake was asking if there’s hope. I shouldn’t have asked I should have just listened and nodded and that’s it and not engage. H didn’t really say one way or another just said he wants to come back for the right reasons and not to come back because it’s convenient or easy or the right thing to do and at the moment doesn’t know what he wants or how he feels and has a lot of his own demons he needs ro work through. At least he’s honest but I keep thinking “believe nothing that he says and half of what he does”.
It’s hard though because that seemed so geniune and heartfelt and open and he has struggled for a long time to be honest.
Anyway I feel really deflated with myself today for letting my emotions overrun me. I now have this nasty virus so I wasn’t feeling the best when we started a talk and I am disappointment in my ability to handle my emotions. It’s stupid but when I’m sick I just want to be hugged and held by my H so it certainly was a $#*! time. No excuses for not composing myself better. I now see I should have just not engaged in this conversation at this time but got excited because it was a serious talk🩶

[SteveLW]

The biggest thing I feel you need to stop doing is apologizing for the past. Next time he starts one of these talks just listen and validate. If he get frustrated and says something about you not being sorry, a simple statement like "I've already expressed remorse about the past, I cannot continue to apologize for things I've already said I was sorry about."

Let him know they you've apologized and are now ready to move forward, once and for all, and then go back to listening and validation.

We humans are funny creatures. We think that the more we apologize the more likely someone is to forgive us. Usually the exact opposite is the case. Each time they bring it up and you still continue to profusely apologize, it gives them their endorphin hit about how right they are. When you stop apologizing you short circuit their endorphin hit. And without that they are no longer incentivized to constantly rehash it. It also shows them that though you are remorseful, you've already apologized for the past, and that now you are moving forward from it. And so should they.

tldr; people will either forgive or they, so apologizing for the same things over and over again.

[Pattnee5]

Thankyou Steve. Now thinking about it wow I do apologise alot every time anythinf R wise is bought up. I keep apologising for my actions in the past and honestly I am so getting sick of being the only one apologising in a 50/50 relationship
Thankyou for your wise advice on this. Listen and validate. Although I think it was a backward step so o don’t expect any R talk for a while. The uncertainly and instability is so difficult. I know we supposedly learn valuable lessons but my goodness my lesson is not a fun one. My patience is wearing thin I have never been a patient person but boy this has put it to the test.
Thankyou again for letting me vent. I don’t know who else to turn to that understands it properly

[Ready2Change]

a simple statement like "I've already expressed remorse about the past, I cannot continue to apologize for things I've already said I was sorry about."

Also, it is good to have a few "canned" responses, but not to be a broken record with them.

A couple I have are:

"I wish I could change the past" or "I can't change the past"

Since we are talking apologizing, from my notes:

Gain Forgiveness Pattern-Minimize damage (“Make peace with anyone” by Lieberman p82)
Apologize (I am sorry...)
depersonalize (place action in larger context)
shift intentions (I was trying...)
solidify commitment to change (take concrete steps to assure no repeats)
restore balance (put energy into relationship)
Example” I am very sorry I put a dent in your car. Nothing was going right that day. I didn’t want to give it to the valet because I know how much you love your car. So when I parked it myself on the street, that’s when it got hit. I’ve already called several places and got quotes. I’ll take care of it anyway you want. You can either give me the insurance information or I can give you the quotes. I am also going to have them detail the entire car so it will look like new. That’s on me. I feel so badly about this happening.”

[Pattnee5]

Thankyou Ready. I’ll keep those in mind I am actually getting sick of saying “I’m sorry” all the time H must be getting annoyed and sick of it too.

[Pattnee5]

Any advice or steps that can work on helping with detachment? I read it and re read it and nod and think “yep amazing makes sense” then cross paths with H and it’s like a whole other person appears. It used to be over the top smothering affection type, but lately shifting to RBF( Resting b$tch face ) I can’t help it it’s almost like I don’t know how to act or treat him as a neighbour or friend when he is my H. At least I went a day without apologising 😂👏🏻. I keep reading threads and re reading them but the detachment has me stumped on how I can be fake happy me yet limit my actions and conversations. I also just read the lighthouse story. So true, I’m all for being solid and the lighthouse for now

[SteveLW]

Detachment is a process. Many LBWs especially have trouble with it because you all make the marriage staying together a matter of life and death in your head. Read the Sticky "You will not die". Once you get to a place emotionally where you know you'll be fine, better fine, your life will be awesome no matter what happens, then detachment becomes easier.

While you are holding on so tight, you'll never start detaching. You've heard the analogy of dropping the rope haven't you? Let go of the rope....

[Pattnee5]

I actually read “you will not die” earlier today. So good makes so much sense. I deep down know I will be fine with or without H I know I’ll move on and be happy eventually. But for some [censored] reason it’s like the moment I see him it all goes out my head. I want to drop the rope I just don’t know how. I can read and re read a million times yet I’m still trying to analyse everything and think of scenarios of how this can play out. It’s like my brain isn’t cooperating at the moment and that whole one step forward two steps back. Today was fine I detached (I actually felt like a big B$tch and H even asked what’s wrong I slapped on a fake smile said nothing )
I know you’re going to say it it’s because it feels wrong to let go and unnatural… but I have to do it it’s like I don’t know how

[DnJ]

Good Morning Patt

Drop the rope, or be dragged.

Detaching is when one’s emotions are not uncontrollably dragged about by their spouse’s words and behaviour. Uncontrollable being the key here.

Bomb drop is horrible. It’s a traumatic event. Martial strife, the upheaval, the living apart, and all the wildly out of character events that have happened so far; all are producing such hurt and anguish within. Add in the pending separation and other doom and gloom possibilities; fear and more uncontrollable hurt and such are reinforced. We get so dragged around.

We can only control three things - our thoughts, actions, and reactions.

Actions and reactions, our physical activities, we can direct ourselves to do certain things. The get a life actives. Go for a walk, do a puzzle, start up an old forgotten hobby, or start a new one, etc. Something to shift our focus off of our current situation.

Thoughts is the landscape of the rational. Logic and reason. This is much different than our emotional realm. To start off it helps to see the emotional realm and it’s influence.

One’s emotions craft and reinforces thoughts. For likely a good portion of your life this went unchecked and mostly unrealized as a certain balance or equilibrium was maintained. Life was just fine, so there was no need to look further. Then bomb drop.

After the initial shock, your emotions are cranked way up. Lots of fear and hurt. This reflects in your thoughts. These thoughts furthering the emotions by reinforcing them. A tenacious feedback loop was formed. The whole flight or fight mechanism gets running in overdrive. Thing is, the tiger, the threat, ain’t been around for months. It happened long ago. Yet our instinctive mechanism is still active.

Triggers. These keep our emotions reinforced. Feelings are fleeting when not reinforced. They are quick to spring into life, and quick to extinguish, when no external or internal influence is upon them. As an example of a trigger: Smile. While reading this. Curve your lips up. Now, frown. A big pout please. See how you felt somewhat happy when smiling and somewhat sad/mad when frown/pouting?

That is influence from physical activity. Something we can control, which influences our emotional state. A multitude of positive effects come from positive activity. The aforementioned GAL shifts our negative focus, crafts a nice reprieve of peace free from such hurt, produces corresponding thoughts, which all start to influence our emotions. It’s gives us something else to think and feel about.

By the way, all physical activity influences and reinforces our emotional state. Sitting around being a sad sack will produce such thoughts and perpetuate that state just as readily.

Thinking about. Thoughts. Control. The rational landscape. This is a big factor. We get drawn into wanting answers. To wanting/needing to fix this. And we just won’t let go (notice it’s won’t not can’t). Letting go feels counterintuitive. Feels wrong, as you wisely stated.

In grand counterintuitive-ness, detachment comes from rationalizing. We all require a certain amount of understand before we will let go or shift our focus off our spouse and onto ourselves. Finding understanding in one’s situation allows one to let go. You didn’t break him, so you cannot fix him; as an example.

It’s about control. When other forces influence your thoughts, imagine the big red stop sign. Stop those runaway thoughts. Regain control over self.

Yet, you can and should delve into purposeful understanding of your situation sans emotions. Through our controlled thoughts and actions we exert influence upon our emotions. This influence slowly alters our inner world picture. One first knows something and does it, then feels it, and then believes it.

Of course, one does need to feel their emotions. The key regarding detachment was the uncontrolled part. A good tactic is to schedule time to feel your emotions, to get them out of your system for a while. At the start, this will likely take several scheduled times a day. Something like 5-10 minutes (set an alarm) to cry, punch a pillow, scream into a pillow, etc. As time progresses, those schedule times become less frequent, maybe morning and bedtime. Eventually just morning. And eventually not at all.

This routine, this scheduling, rationalizes the irrational emotions and pressures within you. It’s twofold, by purposefully dredging up, forcing, to feel at your time, you control. And you also therefore control when not to display such feelings. You cannot directly control feelings, however you can certainly influence them.

Heartache is horrible and we are so dragged about, yet we are not defenceless in its onslaught. The rational realm is logic and reason, is your sword and shield. These are your two best weapons and defence in all of this.

Detachment and fear are similar in their ensnaring feedback and triggering of our emotions. With your sword and logic you cleave those triggers and feedback loops. With your shield and knowledge you defend against the onslaught.

Keep your sword sharp and your shield brightly polished. Seek understanding and compassion in all you do. Act upon that. Detachment will come.

D

[DnJ]

Good Morning Pattnee5

Please be aware and refrain from using foul language. I realize it is commonplace and easy to slide into that mode without realizing it, like sitting around a campfire and talking with friends.

https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2945318#Post2945318

Thanks

D