Detaching is when one’s emotions are not uncontrollably dragged about by their spouse’s words and behaviour. Uncontrollable being the key here.
Bomb drop is horrible. It’s a traumatic event. Martial strife, the upheaval, the living apart, and all the wildly out of character events that have happened so far; all are producing such hurt and anguish within. Add in the pending separation and other doom and gloom possibilities; fear and more uncontrollable hurt and such are reinforced. We get so dragged around.
We can only control three things - our thoughts, actions, and reactions.
Actions and reactions, our physical activities, we can direct ourselves to do certain things. The get a life actives. Go for a walk, do a puzzle, start up an old forgotten hobby, or start a new one, etc. Something to shift our focus off of our current situation.
Thoughts is the landscape of the rational. Logic and reason. This is much different than our emotional realm. To start off it helps to see the emotional realm and it’s influence.
One’s emotions craft and reinforces thoughts. For likely a good portion of your life this went unchecked and mostly unrealized as a certain balance or equilibrium was maintained. Life was just fine, so there was no need to look further. Then bomb drop.
After the initial shock, your emotions are cranked way up. Lots of fear and hurt. This reflects in your thoughts. These thoughts furthering the emotions by reinforcing them. A tenacious feedback loop was formed. The whole flight or fight mechanism gets running in overdrive. Thing is, the tiger, the threat, ain’t been around for months. It happened long ago. Yet our instinctive mechanism is still active.
Triggers. These keep our emotions reinforced. Feelings are fleeting when not reinforced. They are quick to spring into life, and quick to extinguish, when no external or internal influence is upon them. As an example of a trigger: Smile. While reading this. Curve your lips up. Now, frown. A big pout please. See how you felt somewhat happy when smiling and somewhat sad/mad when frown/pouting?
That is influence from physical activity. Something we can control, which influences our emotional state. A multitude of positive effects come from positive activity. The aforementioned GAL shifts our negative focus, crafts a nice reprieve of peace free from such hurt, produces corresponding thoughts, which all start to influence our emotions. It’s gives us something else to think and feel about.
By the way, all physical activity influences and reinforces our emotional state. Sitting around being a sad sack will produce such thoughts and perpetuate that state just as readily.
Thinking about. Thoughts. Control. The rational landscape. This is a big factor. We get drawn into wanting answers. To wanting/needing to fix this. And we just won’t let go (notice it’s won’t not can’t). Letting go feels counterintuitive. Feels wrong, as you wisely stated.
In grand counterintuitive-ness, detachment comes from rationalizing. We all require a certain amount of understand before we will let go or shift our focus off our spouse and onto ourselves. Finding understanding in one’s situation allows one to let go. You didn’t break him, so you cannot fix him; as an example.
It’s about control. When other forces influence your thoughts, imagine the big red stop sign. Stop those runaway thoughts. Regain control over self.
Yet, you can and should delve into purposeful understanding of your situation sans emotions. Through our controlled thoughts and actions we exert influence upon our emotions. This influence slowly alters our inner world picture. One first knows something and does it, then feels it, and then believes it.
Of course, one does need to feel their emotions. The key regarding detachment was the uncontrolled part. A good tactic is to schedule time to feel your emotions, to get them out of your system for a while. At the start, this will likely take several scheduled times a day. Something like 5-10 minutes (set an alarm) to cry, punch a pillow, scream into a pillow, etc. As time progresses, those schedule times become less frequent, maybe morning and bedtime. Eventually just morning. And eventually not at all.
This routine, this scheduling, rationalizes the irrational emotions and pressures within you. It’s twofold, by purposefully dredging up, forcing, to feel at your time, you control. And you also therefore control when not to display such feelings. You cannot directly control feelings, however you can certainly influence them.
Heartache is horrible and we are so dragged about, yet we are not defenceless in its onslaught. The rational realm is logic and reason, is your sword and shield. These are your two best weapons and defence in all of this.
Detachment and fear are similar in their ensnaring feedback and triggering of our emotions. With your sword and logic you cleave those triggers and feedback loops. With your shield and knowledge you defend against the onslaught.
Keep your sword sharp and your shield brightly polished. Seek understanding and compassion in all you do. Act upon that. Detachment will come.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
