I’m still so lost

[Pattnee5]

I actually read “you will not die” earlier today. So good makes so much sense. I deep down know I will be fine with or without H I know I’ll move on and be happy eventually. But for some [censored] reason it’s like the moment I see him it all goes out my head. I want to drop the rope I just don’t know how. I can read and re read a million times yet I’m still trying to analyse everything and think of scenarios of how this can play out. It’s like my brain isn’t cooperating at the moment and that whole one step forward two steps back. Today was fine I detached (I actually felt like a big B$tch and H even asked what’s wrong I slapped on a fake smile said nothing )
I know you’re going to say it it’s because it feels wrong to let go and unnatural… but I have to do it it’s like I don’t know how