I am sorry that it took me so long to reply. I haven't had much time between geting out for me and trying to spend a little time with H. But I want to take a little be to let you know my take on what is going on.
Quote: I called her and told her that she needed to give me a real good reason to not leave. SHe said that she didn't want me to leave. I decided that was good enough and after unpacking the car went back. She was very sweet and we made it through the rest of the afternoon.
For know that maybe the only reason you have to stay, but it is a good reason. It shows that she is wanting to work this out. Rember she has a lot of crap she has to work out with herself before any great improvement in the marriage happens. I read someplace on the BB or in one of the books, that saving a marriage takes more time than it took for the marriage to get in this shape.
Quote: Then evening hit and she left to go next door to her Mom and Step Dad's house to "check on her sister". I left after awhile and went over there. She was on the computer and closed out her E-Mail as I walked in. Again she told me that she had no way of communicating with him. I doubt that this is true, but of course, right now I will never know, well, actually I could, but it would mean changing her E-Mail password. I don't want to do that so I guess I have to accept her answer. I just don't want to be lied to anymore. I am so sick of it. Today has been a rough day, and I don't know why. She has been very withdrawn and I have tried to give her some space to get over it. I have also asked her to talk about it, but she doesn't want to do that either. I just wish she would communicate.
As hard as it is, I belive that you have to show your spouse that you are willing to trust theam again before they will make the effort to gain your trust back. I mean look at it this way: Would you work hard at trying to gain someone's trust if you knew what ever you did they would not trust you. You have to let her know that you are willing to trust her and maybe she will share more with you.
Have you thought that maybe you be nice and trying to give her space, maybe a cheeseless tunnel. I rember reading a exp. in DR where when a man found out about his wife wanting to leave. He strated to take care of everything and not get in the way. After a while he got fed up and when she didn't come home until 1 in the morning. He told her what he was really feeling.
It might be best to reread that and strat asking yourself what is your more ot the same behavor. Now don't go blow up with W but think of what you could do or say in a postive way that would let her know what you feel.
Quote: If she refuses to be an open book than the chances are very likely that she is still cheating. It comes down to a question of how much crap you are going to accept. I realize that you are trying your best to save this marriage and not break up the family but you cannot do it without the cooperation of your wife. Pleading with her to do so only makes you look unattractve abd weak. Right now it would seem that she is calling the shots and you are responding accordingly. Instead of the either way around. She needs to be told very calmly that you are unwilling to stay in a marriage in which she is showing unwillingness to earn back your trust and to do whatever is necessary to show you that she can be again a faithful and devoted wife and mother. She needs a reality check in which she sees that even though you love her you are not afraid to move on with or without her.
I have to say frist of all I don't think anyone in any R should be the ones calling the shots. I belive that it should be a parternship 50/50. I know that in some sitch one will get there way and the other won't but it has to be a give and take on both parts.Not one doing all the giving and one doing all the taking. But when you are trying to save your marriage and the other is not wanting to try at the moment. You have to do more giving at that point in time. But if everything works out good soon or later the scales will tip back to being balanced.
I would not suggest that you break into her e mail or demand that she be an opan book at this or any time. But maybe you could let her know that her shutting down the email when you walk in makes you feel like that she is talking to him. But you know she has to have her private time as well. Bring up how you feel but don't make demands at this time. What ever she says about it take it at face vaule. Leave it at that. And who knows once she sees that you are going to trust her maybe she will opan up a bit more.
