T, I get what your are saying. I had similar thoughts during my situation. Here is the thing, DBing is about investing in yourself! Don't think of it as investing in the marriage. If saving your marriage comes along with the ride, then great! At that point you get decide whether or not you still want the marriage or not!
So just focus on you. Take all of the focus of her. You've been typing a lot of the right things, but then your last post makes me wonder if you really get DBing or not. The goal is to save Terapin, and to leave his WAW to figure out her own stuff for herself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’d say your more then 50/50 because you are here again. I get limbo/waiting [censored]. You filing for D is not going to make you feel better. What will make you feel better is solving some of the unknowns. Speak to a lawyer to ease your legal concerns. Look at houses to ease your future living concerns. Do things solely with your son to ease your solo family concerns. Flirt with women (flirt only) to ease your I’ll never find anyone else concerns. As for being nice, consider yourself lucky because some are complete aholes at this point. IT’s journey that you can fight or embrace. It’s your choice.
T, I get what your are saying. I had similar thoughts during my situation. Here is the thing, DBing is about investing in yourself! Don't think of it as investing in the marriage. If saving your marriage comes along with the ride, then great! At that point you get decide whether or not you still want the marriage or not!
So just focus on you. Take all of the focus of her. You've been typing a lot of the right things, but then your last post makes me wonder if you really get DBing or not. The goal is to save Terapin, and to leave his WAW to figure out her own stuff for herself.
Makes sense. Mentally I"m in a pretty good place.
I think I have been focusing on me, at least outwardly. Last week she went for drinks after work with her boss for her boss's birthday. All I said was 'have a good time' when she left, and I never mentioned anything about it again. She asked to ride w/ me and son to his football game the other day (usually she doesn't go). I told her I'd be cooking out all day saturday and she asked if we could invite friends over. She's initiating conversations daily about family and work stuff. I just listen and validate. I haven't once talked about the relationship, I haven't been mean, in a bad mood, unhappy, etc. I basically go about my business. I could go out and GAL more often though, but it's difficult to find time. Plus, 90% of my friends are either married, have moved out of state, or dead.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Here's what I don't want happening. I was/am about 50/50 on if I want to save the M or divorce.
50/50 is a long way from 100. Do not let your emotions make major life decisions.
Originally Posted by Terapin
The last 3 weeks have been really good though. No sex or anything, but communicating, her going out of her way to do nice things, etc. I know it's probably an act.
You are somewhat walking on eggshells. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Let go those expectations. GAL. Live. Invest into hobbies. Be interesting. Act as if.
Originally Posted by Terapin
But I don't want to start getting emotionally reinvested in saving the M (because wow, look how good things have been lately. Wonder if it can be like this all the time!), only to have her proceed with the D. Not sure I'm explaining it correctly.
You don’t. You invest intellectually.
One finds detachment. Unties their emotional response from their spouse’s words and/or behaviour.
While this is occurring, tenets of divorce busting are learned, utilized, and lived. This is a rational pursuit which meshes well with efforts towards detachment. DB is not an emotional response, rather a well thought out approach and controlled action/reaction to one’s situation.
Focus on you, which is basically removing the excessive focus one places upon their spouse during this time. Get a life. Act as if. Lessen/remove the pressure exerted upon W. Give plenty of time and space. Kind and cordial to W. Dial expectations to zero.
When one’s emotions are not driving their situation, they have a better ability to become the best version of themselves. To not walk on eggshells. To find their convictions and stand for them.
DB, at its heart, is us investing in ourselves. And that give us the best chance at saving our marriage.
You are three weeks from BD. And even though it’s the second time around this course, you’ve got the gift of time. Use it well.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I’d say your more then 50/50 because you are here again. I get limbo/waiting [censored]. You filing for D is not going to make you feel better. What will make you feel better is solving some of the unknowns. Speak to a lawyer to ease your legal concerns. Look at houses to ease your future living concerns. Do things solely with your son to ease your solo family concerns. Flirt with women (flirt only) to ease your I’ll never find anyone else concerns. As for being nice, consider yourself lucky because some are complete aholes at this point. IT’s journey that you can fight or embrace. It’s your choice.
I guess I could be more than 50/50. I do love her, but unlike years ago, I"m at peace with whatever happens. Our son is older now, financially we're 'even' (I used to make significantly more than her), and I'm pretty sure I could find another girlfriend if I wanted. Not that D won't suck, but I"m sure I"ll be fine. But yes, I"m naturally a very impatient person. That's what I struggle with the most
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Nothing new to report here, but I have another question. Because eventually, she's going to want to 'talk'. And of course IDK for sure how it'll go, based on past experiences I can imagine her starting with something like this:
W: 'Hey, I just wanted to talk. Things got a little off track with my grandma's situation, and thanks for being there for that. But you haven't really said anything about things. So have you even thought about this stuff?'
So if it goes something like that, where she basically asks a question (so can't really validate anythign yet), would an appropriate reply be something like:
Me: "Ya I've thought about it. I'm still unsure what is best. It's not my choice to divorce, but I'll support you in whatever decision you want to make."
Too much, too little? Her reply would likely be that she still feels it's in our best interest to separate. If so, what's the reply? "Ok"?
The problem is, not only is my W a woman, she's also a professional therapist. So she's much better at these conversations than I am, which is why I typically don't say much. But she likes to probe deeper with stuff like "why do you think the M could work?" "What do you think about the M that's worth saving?" It's stuff like that that can trip me up, even with the tips I've learned here. I don't think she does it to really get my thoughts, but more to convince me why my feelings are wrong.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Nothing new to report here, but I have another question.
Learning better ways to communicate is a good part of our personal growth, but I believe talking isn't the solution. Changes to our believes and behaviors is a better "tactic". Your strategy is DBing.
Us men are simple creatures. Most of us are attracted by the visual. I can recommend to the ladies to "look better" and your husband will notice. That is the low hanging fruit. Dress nicer, smell nicer act nicer.
Women are more attracted to the behavior of the man. How do high status men behave? Men of high SMV, how do they behave? There are traits we can make our own to make us more attractive.
So I will give my two cents from that perspective.
Originally Posted by Terapin
Because eventually, she's going to want to 'talk'. And of course IDK for sure how it'll go, based on past experiences I can imagine her starting with something like this:
W: 'Hey, I just wanted to talk. Things got a little off track with my grandma's situation, and thanks for being there for that. But you haven't really said anything about things. So have you even thought about this stuff?'
Assuming this is text or email, I would wait a long time before responding, then: 90% H:"Nope. Been busy." or 10% H:"What stuff?"
Originally Posted by Terapin
The problem is, not only is my W a woman, she's also a professional therapist. So she's much better at these conversations than I am, which is why I typically don't say much.
You are in a hard spot. What is the your purpose of conversating with her? Most guys do it wrong. The worst thing you can do is talk to her like you would a man. Do not be boring. Stiring a womans emotions or turning her on or building sexual tension...those are the main purpose I recommend to you.
Originally Posted by Terapin
But she likes to probe deeper with stuff like "why do you think the M could work?" "What do you think about the M that's worth saving?" It's stuff like that that can trip me up, even with the tips I've learned here. I don't think she does it to really get my thoughts, but more to convince me why my feelings are wrong.
You will never "win" in conversations like this.
This is why we say to avoid R talks like the plague.
Back to a response, "Misinterpret" can be useful at times...
H:"I have been thinking about it a lot. I really liked her and will miss her. Life is so short."
But back to reality....When she does text you, come here, we can give you many options on how to respond. Then you can choose from all the options.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I don't think she'll do it via text or email though.
I did a total 180 tonight. For the last 15 years, I've either taken our son to a practice, or sat at home on the couch on Tuesday nights. I called a friend (she knows well too) and we went for wings and a few beers. I had fun. When I got home I said hi to her, and she basically just nodded and walked out of the room. I'm guessing she's not happy, but who knows.
She's spent the last half hour in her 'office', where all of her divorce info (paperwork, spreadsheets, etc) is. Maybe it was a mistake to go out?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
No not a mistake in my book - way to GAL. Now do it again. And don’t worry be happy.
I went into her office this morning and some of the divorce stuff she had 'hidden' was now openly on her desk. So she was obviously working on something, for the first time in a few weeks.
I do think sometimes GAL backfires
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
