I’m still so lost

[Pattnee5]

It’s almost like I jinxed myself today 🤦🏼‍♀️D had some emotional issues in the morning which in turn led to R talk between H and i that he initiated. I started well and listened well, responded acknowledged my errors and apologised for my ways. But I was highly emotional and probably said a few things I shouldn’t have actually I know I did because it was almost like I could see the wall go up( as he hugged me). I ended up in bed all day after that with a shocking virus and headache and feel like all my emotions this morning and during conversation were on hyperdrive because of this virus that was setting in. It’s almost like all I’ve read on DB went out. I didn’t beg or plead or anything but was calm and composed and said my pieces and my apologies for my errors and acknowledged I am working on it. My biggest mistake was asking if there’s hope. I shouldn’t have asked I should have just listened and nodded and that’s it and not engage. H didn’t really say one way or another just said he wants to come back for the right reasons and not to come back because it’s convenient or easy or the right thing to do and at the moment doesn’t know what he wants or how he feels and has a lot of his own demons he needs ro work through. At least he’s honest but I keep thinking “believe nothing that he says and half of what he does”.
It’s hard though because that seemed so geniune and heartfelt and open and he has struggled for a long time to be honest.
Anyway I feel really deflated with myself today for letting my emotions overrun me. I now have this nasty virus so I wasn’t feeling the best when we started a talk and I am disappointment in my ability to handle my emotions. It’s stupid but when I’m sick I just want to be hugged and held by my H so it certainly was a $#*! time. No excuses for not composing myself better. I now see I should have just not engaged in this conversation at this time but got excited because it was a serious talk🩶