I’m honestly not frustrated with you at all. I see you struggling and I know exactly how feel.
I just want you to start DBing on a better level. I want to see you happy and save your marriage. However I also want to see you happy if it doesn’t happen. These tools will help not only improve your odds of saving your marriage, but they prepare you for life if you don’t.
Honest suggestion for you, unless it involves your children, come here each and every time for the next 2 weeks for what to respond with in regards to anything your W may reach out to you with. I think that in itself would be a step in a good direction. You’ll learn better responses, when to respond, and it’ll start you on a better path to dropping the rope.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
No contact with W since - no reason. Spent the day in the great outdoors with friends. Made myself good food. Enjoyed music and also visited a friend in hospital.
Just recently been looking more honestly at the question, would I want W back. It’s an important one. I don’t know if she will want to come back to the M, but if she does, will I want her?
I don’t have an answer. I do want to heal and reconcile properly and in the meantime, DB. As I’ve said before, I don’t want to go back to how things were at BD and I don’t want to have a R with W as she is now like this.
Just recently been looking more honestly at the question, would I want W back. It’s an important one. I don’t know if she will want to come back to the M, but if she does, will I want her?
I don’t have an answer. I do want to heal and reconcile properly and in the meantime, DB. As I’ve said before, I don’t want to go back to how things were at BD and I don’t want to have a R with W as she is now like this.
So keep working on me and following my path.
Go look at my last response to Terapin. I think it fits your thread perfectly after this last post.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
T, I get what your are saying. I had similar thoughts during my situation. Here is the thing, DBing is about investing in yourself! Don't think of it as investing in the marriage. If saving your marriage comes along with the ride, then great! At that point you get to decide whether or not you still want the marriage or not!
So just focus on you. Take all of the focus of her. You've been typing a lot of the right things, but then your last post makes me wonder if you really get DBing or not. The goal is to save Terapin, and to leave his WAW to figure out her own stuff for herself.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Just a small hijack for all those currently fighting for their marriage.
A few great statements I heard in a Youtube video "Silence Is How You P*nish Women". Worth watching for all the details.
Quote
"When you're in a relationship, yes she gets to know your thoughts, she gets to know your feelings, you share all of that openly with her, but that is a privilege that she gets by being in a committed relationship with you."
"But she has broken that bond and so she has therefore lost that privilege she is no longer entitled to know your thoughts and feelings."
"Now the reason that she wants to know what you're thinking is because she's looking to alleviate her own guilt and she wants to know specifically what your thoughts are so that she can mount a defense. She wants to argue against something specific."
This is why STFU is extremely important. You keep your cards close. No need to argue.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Had another difficult day with my emotions this morning but attended to them, did what I know works and ended up having another good day. Got a lot of things done and went out for dinner with colleagues.
W brought up that we will be receiving an unexpected sum of money (not life changing, but welcome nonetheless) from a class action lawsuit. She texted. “Let’s discuss what we should do with it.”
I haven’t responded. I’m not sure yet exactly the amount.
We could discuss how to budget it out. There are lots of ways to spend money: home Reno, vehicles, etc.
What did you do to tend to your emotions? When did your W bring this up and how? Was it a text, email?
If you're not sure of the amount than there's nothing to discuss and I've never heard of a class action lawsuit bringing in that kind of money except to lawyers so that's something else to consider.
Rock to me, this was a temp check, ignore it until there's something worth talking about.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
Thanks Joseph. To regulate my emotions, I gave myself some time to acknowledge and feel them. I got curious about what I could learn from the strong feelings. I examined my thoughts and observed them in a defusing way, challenged some of them and got into some work and exercise.
W texted about the money. I had been aware of the possibility that we would possibly be getting some money but had out it out if my mind since it was uncertain. We have a good idea now about the ballpark figure and expect to receive it in the next few weeks. It is being managed/disbursed through a law firm.
