The more you try to be a nice guy the more she will take advantage of you. If she wants to stay married than she needs to be completely honest with you. That means, no private email addresses, no private anything. It is up to her to earn back your trust. If she is not showing by her actions that she is focused on working on the marriage than you are fooling yourself to think that things will change. Unless she sees that you are truly serious about not accepting anymore of her nonsense with the OM she will continue to show disrespectful behaviour.
Davis, So does that mean that I break into her E-Mail account? Seems like it could be a bad idea if you ask me. But then again it would catch her in another lie. I don't know what to do on this one. Seems so unfair to take away everything that she has, and even worse...what if I am wrong? Then my snoopy behavior looks even worse. Seems like kind of a double edged sword to me.
If she refuses to be an open book than the chances are very likely that she is still cheating. It comes down to a question of how much crap you are going to accept. I realize that you are trying your best to save this marriage and not break up the family but you cannot do it without the cooperation of your wife. Pleading with her to do so only makes you look unattractve abd weak. Right now it would seem that she is calling the shots and you are responding accordingly. Instead of the either way around. She needs to be told very calmly that you are unwilling to stay in a marriage in which she is showing unwillingness to earn back your trust and to do whatever is necessary to show you that she can be again a faithful and devoted wife and mother. She needs a reality check in which she sees that even though you love her you are not afraid to move on with or without her.
I am sorry that it took me so long to reply. I haven't had much time between geting out for me and trying to spend a little time with H. But I want to take a little be to let you know my take on what is going on.
Quote: I called her and told her that she needed to give me a real good reason to not leave. SHe said that she didn't want me to leave. I decided that was good enough and after unpacking the car went back. She was very sweet and we made it through the rest of the afternoon.
For know that maybe the only reason you have to stay, but it is a good reason. It shows that she is wanting to work this out. Rember she has a lot of crap she has to work out with herself before any great improvement in the marriage happens. I read someplace on the BB or in one of the books, that saving a marriage takes more time than it took for the marriage to get in this shape.
Quote: Then evening hit and she left to go next door to her Mom and Step Dad's house to "check on her sister". I left after awhile and went over there. She was on the computer and closed out her E-Mail as I walked in. Again she told me that she had no way of communicating with him. I doubt that this is true, but of course, right now I will never know, well, actually I could, but it would mean changing her E-Mail password. I don't want to do that so I guess I have to accept her answer. I just don't want to be lied to anymore. I am so sick of it. Today has been a rough day, and I don't know why. She has been very withdrawn and I have tried to give her some space to get over it. I have also asked her to talk about it, but she doesn't want to do that either. I just wish she would communicate.
As hard as it is, I belive that you have to show your spouse that you are willing to trust theam again before they will make the effort to gain your trust back. I mean look at it this way: Would you work hard at trying to gain someone's trust if you knew what ever you did they would not trust you. You have to let her know that you are willing to trust her and maybe she will share more with you.
Have you thought that maybe you be nice and trying to give her space, maybe a cheeseless tunnel. I rember reading a exp. in DR where when a man found out about his wife wanting to leave. He strated to take care of everything and not get in the way. After a while he got fed up and when she didn't come home until 1 in the morning. He told her what he was really feeling.
It might be best to reread that and strat asking yourself what is your more ot the same behavor. Now don't go blow up with W but think of what you could do or say in a postive way that would let her know what you feel.
Quote: If she refuses to be an open book than the chances are very likely that she is still cheating. It comes down to a question of how much crap you are going to accept. I realize that you are trying your best to save this marriage and not break up the family but you cannot do it without the cooperation of your wife. Pleading with her to do so only makes you look unattractve abd weak. Right now it would seem that she is calling the shots and you are responding accordingly. Instead of the either way around. She needs to be told very calmly that you are unwilling to stay in a marriage in which she is showing unwillingness to earn back your trust and to do whatever is necessary to show you that she can be again a faithful and devoted wife and mother. She needs a reality check in which she sees that even though you love her you are not afraid to move on with or without her.
I have to say frist of all I don't think anyone in any R should be the ones calling the shots. I belive that it should be a parternship 50/50. I know that in some sitch one will get there way and the other won't but it has to be a give and take on both parts.Not one doing all the giving and one doing all the taking. But when you are trying to save your marriage and the other is not wanting to try at the moment. You have to do more giving at that point in time. But if everything works out good soon or later the scales will tip back to being balanced.
I would not suggest that you break into her e mail or demand that she be an opan book at this or any time. But maybe you could let her know that her shutting down the email when you walk in makes you feel like that she is talking to him. But you know she has to have her private time as well. Bring up how you feel but don't make demands at this time. What ever she says about it take it at face vaule. Leave it at that. And who knows once she sees that you are going to trust her maybe she will opan up a bit more.
Davis and Kat Sorry it has been so long but due to dramatic changes in life I have not been near the computer as much. W was a freeking mess after the internet issues two weeks ago. It all came crashing in again on Thursday of that week when after struggling to get our cell numbers changed she threatened to leave again. I finally just told her she had to leave. I didn't ask why, I just told her to pack up and go if that is what she felt she had to do. She said she was so unhappy that she couldn't bare it anymore. She told me he had been E-mailing her and begging her to return and since she was unhappy at home she had decided she would go back and see how life would be. I was strong and didn't cry as I helped her pack and then went out and started fixing the flat tire on the second car.
Her parents came over in the middle of things and asked what was going on. I told them to go talk to her but they could kind of tell. Her mom went in and talked to a silent daughter and finally gave up and went to mow the lawn after telling me I should prepare to go back to Montana. I started making plans to do such and called my mother and started the process.
After talking to my mom I went out and talked to my MIL. We ended up crying in each others arms. She told me she was going back to talk to her. I told her not to ask her to stay. I then called OM number and left a message saying that I had told her to go back and that he had better not hurt her or I would come after his ass. I then went to go and work on the car some more and my FIL came back and we talked. He went in, once again I told him not to try to convince her to stay, she would have to make that decision.
After playing with my son, talking to my mom, and calling my sister, I went into the house. W was on the couch, with MIL beside her and FIL beside them in the chair. ILs told me to sit down. I said I couldn't do it anymore and that she had to make her decision for herself. W told me to sit down and I said that this was getting old and started to leave. W then said please sit down and I did.
MIL asked why she wanted to go back and W said that she was miserable. MIL asked why she was miserable and W said she was tired of being pursued by other man and told that she should leave me for him since he was leaving his W. Of course these were lies and he always followed up with "you need to get rid of H (me) first." MIL asked "Do you love Chris (me)?" W said yes, but I have hurt him and I don't think I love him enough to work through his pain. I told her that was for me to decide and she said she had lied so much that she didn't know how to start over again. MIL asked if she wanted to try and W said yes. MIL asked what W didn't like about me. W said he is always in my business, he is so concerned with what I am doing and where I am going that I feel like he is my shadow. MIL asked what she liked about me. W replied that I was always there for her. I snapped a little by saying that I was to the point where I was tired of being there to get hurt all the time and it was getting hard to keep on getting hurt. I also said that I was never in her business before this incident. She agreed. She said she would stay. I told her that if she was just staying for our S then it was the wrong reasons. She said she was staying for us. I told her again that she needed to stay for herself. She said that is why she was staying and that she was sorry.
We packed up and prepared to go to our chiropractor appointments. On the way there she asked me "What do you want to know?" I didn't know what she was getting at and she said she would answer all of my questions that I had. I fired away and she answered questions correctly that I had previously asked her and she had lied about. She said it felt great to get the truth out. We both felt good. She said she wanted to kiss me and I told her that she should take her time. We got a message that our phones were ready to be changed. She started crying. She said she had been waiting in agony for this for so long. She said she hated OM so much. She said that he had lied to her and told her how bad of a person I was for controlling her and not just letting her have our son so she could leave and be with OM. I told her I would be a bad father if I just gave up our S and she agreed. I told her that OM had no idea what love was. Love was fighting for everything that you believed in until it was time to release the person to find out that their decisions were wrong. That is where I was that afternoon. She had to figure it out for herself.
To this date we have changed our cell numbers, she has officially quit her job (sent back her ID badges), and told OM that it was over and if he were to try to contact her she would file a restraining order and then pursue him on stalking charges. The wounds are slowly healing. She talks of the future and shows affection and love more often. She blocked his E-Mails (with me right there) she did forget to take some pictures and old E-Mails off and that was a tough moment, but we recovered and now I don't know her E-Mail password, but she has not checked it for five days. She also hasn't tried to call him. I am still a little leary, but I don't concern myself with it so much anymore. We have had great days together. Very few bad ones. I think she realized pain OM was putting her through, but of course I am still a little upset about the fact that she doesn't take accountability for affair. She just said that she would prevent it from happening by not being nice to other men anymore. She needs to know that she contributed to this problem.
W also stated that OM had left her 21 messages at one point in time begging her to come back. Some days he left 15-20 E-Mails. He sent text messages and harrassed her to no end at work. He was a predator and she was his prey. He was sick, but she let it get to that point. The E-Mails that I read were tough to deal with, she stated in some that she was ready to marry him as soon as I filed the divorce. Still red flags, but I think now that the contact has ended it is going to be easier for her. She seems happy for the first time in four months. Bedroom activity has returned and some forms of intimacy are coming back such as kisses, hugs, hand holding, and touching. I know we are still a long way from being out of the woods on this, but it is getting better. Thank you for your advice, hopefully in a year I can chalk this up as a Divorce Busted!
I am so glad to hear things are strating to look better. And I looking forward to reading your post on another divorce busted forum.
Rember, you have a long road ahead of you. There are going to be some rough patches. It will seem like eberything is going alright and then out of the blue something is going to remind one of you af all the pain ya'll have been thru. And it will seem like you are back to the strating point again. When that happen keep in mind that it is normal. And that ya'll have gotten this far.
And rember if your feelings get to much at times we are still here for you. Just come back to the BB and post again. Don't keep things bottled up.
Annalise has some sound adivce for you on your other post.
Rember once you start to heal don't let your M fall back into the same sitch that help this one along. Keep working on M everyday. Spend time with your W and S.
