Ended up sitting with me at the table again, made some funny cheeky inside jokes then reached across when we were both laughing and squeezed my hand and smiled. Haven’t seen him look at me like that for a long time. Again not getting at all excited here. Maybe my happiness is rubbing off.
An interesting saying regarding our affect upon our spouse’s journey.
Nothing you do matters, and everything you do matters.
No one thing will make or break it. Yet, overall, one does exert some influence. That cumulative influence may not overcome their internal pressures and drive, however it does not go unnoticed. Small gentle influences, from how we live and love our life.
H is around you. And yes, happiness does rub off.
Of course, the biggest affect is upon yourself. Make those changes of self, permanent; for you are doing so for you. As said, become a woman only a fool would leave. It’s then up to H as to if he is a fool or not.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
It’s hard to muffle the pain and internal hurt of thoughts in your head saying (what the F, how can you walk out that door every night when you love being here, how is this picture even ok)
Imagine H’s internal pain. Just imagine how confused he has to be, to embrace such family time, then leave such family time.
The facade these hurt folks wear, hides what is bubbling within. Time and space. H still needs solitude to consider, to feel, to be. It’s an irrational journey he is on.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I do know and can almost feel it if I say something like that he will back right away again.
Spot on. You are correct.
H is like a timid squirrel. Fast sudden movements, trying catch him or hang on to him, and he will bolt. Being calm and basically yourself, and the squirrel is calm and becomes interested.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
Anyway I kept my cool fine. I am okay now but it takes a lot of energy and might to bite my tongue and not ask “wtf is going on” when you get glimmers.
Well done keeping calm.
Work to get to the place where those glimmers of H do not require significant energies to bite your tongue.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I don’t know how you guys handled those thoughts every night they walk out the door. Anyway another day done and who the F knows what’s going on, but I have to be okay with uncertainty.
I found rationalizing things helped immensely. It moved my situation towards the intellectual realm from it being fully within my emotions and hurt.
It’s about control. Those thoughts are influenced and crafted by your emotions. You can directly control your thoughts. Therefore, you can rationalize H’s behaviour and his likely internal torment(s); lessen or stop the runaway thoughts (stop sign); utilize the other directly controllable items - actions and reactions - to do other things (GAL, hobbies, etc.), which then reinforces these newly formed thoughts, which then influences your emotions. Thus, lessening the emotions which starts the whole thing.
Detachment. Not having one’s emotions or thoughts uncontrollable dragged about by our spouse’s words or behaviours.
We all seek answers and certainty. I found the answers I truly sought were actually within the uncertainty.
Fighting begets fighting. Embracing uncertainty, letting go of things that are beyond one’s control, brings peace. The more one fights against that which they truly cannot control, the more one suffers.
Answers do present themselves when one is calm.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
