I’m still so lost

[Pattnee5]

Today/tonight’s events again confuse me a bit. I am not reading anything into it I suppose. Had a message this morning again saying last night was fun then on to the errands etc for the day. I’m moving around a bit more so did a bit more of the household duties while H ran daughter around for her social stuff and obviously did his own thing too. He asked later in the day when he came in if he could join us again for take away. Ended up sitting with me at the table again, made some funny cheeky inside jokes then reached across when we were both laughing and squeezed my hand and smiled. Haven’t seen him look at me like that for a long time. Again not getting at all excited here. Maybe my happiness is rubbing off.

Sat with with me watching tv for a bit then D14 wanted to watch a girly movie so I cuddled up under the blankets on the couch with her to watch. He asked if he could play video games on the comp which is in the same room. I just said sure and smiled. (haha no more eye rolling or pouting like old days). Anyway he played for about 20 minutes then left but as he was leaving came over to me and D huge smile on his face hugged us both kissed us both looked happy genuinely happy, but more at us hugging watching a movie. He used to always complain I didn’t do enough for or with the kids at night or tuck them in often (and fair enough I acknowledge that but was spent from work and life and errands etc and did more for them in other ways) Again didn’t think too much of it said goodnight and off he went.

It’s hard to muffle the pain and internal hurt of thoughts in your head saying (what the F, how can you walk out that door every night when you love being here, how is this picture even ok) Anyway I kept my cool fine. I am okay now but it takes a lot of energy and might to bite my tongue and not ask “wtf is going on” when you get glimmers. I do know and can almost feel it if I say something like that he will back right away again. So I know I am on the right path but still this is hard. I don’t know how you guys handled those thoughts every night they walk out the door. Anyway another day done and who the F knows what’s going on, but I have to be okay with uncertainty.