I've got a question for the experts here (although I'm pretty sure I know the answer already).
When W BD'd me 3 weeks ago, during the conversation she mentioned that maybe for our son and financial sake, we could basically cohabitate for the next few months. In that time we could get the house and yard in condition to sell, pay down some debt, etc. We would keep the sitch from our son, and 'pretend' that we're the happily married couple. Hell she even said I'd be free to see other women. Anyway, just one of her many ideas.
Since BD, we have been the 'happily married couple' (for the most part). Aside from no sex, things have been really good. We've been communicating great, she's been making plans for us for months down the road, asking me to do things together, etc, etc.
So the question is, how would I know if these things are legit signs she's reconsidering D, or just part of her cohabitation plan? I'm guessing it shouldn't matter either way, but anyone have any experience with this?
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
You are correct that it doesn’t matter either way. Based on this being your second bomb IMO you have a WAW on your hands who must likely has been planning this for awhile. If she’s told her family there is likely no turning back right now. Doesn’t mean you can’t reconcile down the road though I doubt you will want to by then. IMO you should agree to the cohabitation and try to negotiate the best deal for yourself and son. The longer this goes on the more she will talk to other people and likely try to get more. Have you spoken to a lawyer? If not you should immediately. If you want to save the marriage your best bet is to lean into the separation/divorce and act like you can’t wait to be single again. Most LBS don’t have to ability to pull this off which is why the majority of the stories here end up in divorce.
My WW was sweet as punch after she made her "I don't want to be married anymore" proclamation. I even asked her about it at one point. She said she was trying not to hurt me anymore than she already had. No telling why, but if you ask her she'll reiterate that she wants a divorce.
I see no problem with cohabitation as long as you can do it and still DB. Some find in-home separation to be too difficult. To me it is an opportunity to show her your changes for the better. Some day the close proximity sets back their detachment. So there are pros and cons to both.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We would keep the sitch from our son, and 'pretend' that we're the happily married couple.
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Hell she even said I'd be free to see other women.
Let me translate these two statements for you:
“I want to hide this from people initially because I don’t want to fully burn my bridge, and I want you to get on board with this so that I can tell people it was a mutual decision. If we do it slowly, I don’t have to take sole responsibility for it.”
“I’m already seeing another man. I’m encouraging you to see other women because it will make me feel better about my shi**y behaviour.”
I've got a question for the experts here (although I'm pretty sure I know the answer already).
You’ve receive some wise counsel from the posters. Did it align with your views and thoughts?
Originally Posted by Terapin
how would I know if these things are legit signs she's reconsidering D, or just part of her cohabitation plan?
Her telling you and demonstrating consistent reinforcing behaviour would be a good sign of a legit change of heart.
Presently, she likely is just playing nice so as to not be the bad guy. Especially her offer that you can see other women. There is pretty much no way she’d be ready to commit to the relationship and promote you seeing someone else. She’s looking to share the blame. Let her own her choices.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks everyone. Yes, pretty much the replies I expected.
We had friends over yesterday. I spent most of the day cooking on the grill. W was again extremely nice, helpful, etc.
Her comment about me seeing other women makes sense now. It wasn't like she's giving me a hall pass or anything. It was more like 'if we decide to go through with the D but still have to live together for a bit, I'd understand if you met someone else in that time'. Not that that makes it any better or worse.
I'm guessing we'll talk about things at some point this week.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Her comment about me seeing other women makes sense now. It wasn't like she's giving me a hall pass or anything. It was more like 'if we decide to go through with the D but still have to live together for a bit, I'd understand if you met someone else in that time'. Not that that makes it any better or worse.
I’d bet my left *** she’s definitely emotionally, but most likely physically, involved with another man.
Her guilt drove the “you would be free to see another woman” comment.
Even in your OP you said when she dropped the bomb she made a point of swearing there was no-one else. You know who feels compelled to mention that during bomb-drop - people who are in an emotional or physical affair.
Not only that - but she has proven past form with infidelity.
Time and time again on this site we see the same thing:
OP - bomb drop - but there’s no-one else. DB.com vets - there’s probably someone else. OP - no, there definitely isn’t DB.com vets - well okay, but you need to consider it possible OP - oh sh*t, I just found out there’s AP
She’s being nice because currently the pressure is off. She can still live with you while chasing another man. She doesn’t have to tell all her friends. And she is now facing the prospect of being able to tell everyone that the separation is a mutual decision.
Eating so much cake… No wonder she’s so happy!
Like DNJ said, keep your expectations of her nice behaviour and of a potential change in her position dialled to an absolute minimum.
Someone who wants back in asks for counselling, books counselling, apologises, and attempts to go above and beyond to repair some of the damage they have wreaked. She is doing none of those things.
Her comment about me seeing other women makes sense now. It wasn't like she's giving me a hall pass or anything. It was more like 'if we decide to go through with the D but still have to live together for a bit, I'd understand if you met someone else in that time'. Not that that makes it any better or worse.
I’d bet my left *** she’s definitely emotionally, but most likely physically, involved with another man.
Her guilt drove the “you would be free to see another woman” comment.
Even in your OP you said when she dropped the bomb she made a point of swearing there was no-one else. You know who feels compelled to mention that during bomb-drop - people who are in an emotional or physical affair.
Not only that - but she has proven past form with infidelity.
Time and time again on this site we see the same thing:
OP - bomb drop - but there’s no-one else. DB.com vets - there’s probably someone else. OP - no, there definitely isn’t DB.com vets - well okay, but you need to consider it possible OP - oh sh*t, I just found out there’s AP
She’s being nice because currently the pressure is off. She can still live with you while chasing another man. She doesn’t have to tell all her friends. And she is now facing the prospect of being able to tell everyone that the separation is a mutual decision.
Eating so much cake… No wonder she’s so happy!
Like DNJ said, keep your expectations of her nice behaviour and of a potential change in her position dialled to an absolute minimum.
Someone who wants back in asks for counselling, books counselling, apologises, and attempts to go above and beyond to repair some of the damage they have wreaked. She is doing none of those things.
Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.
Can't say I disagree with any of this. Thanks.
Of course I suspect there's OM. And I'd think it would have to be someone she works with, cause she doesn't really go/do anything else. But I guess shy of hiring a private investigator I have no way of knowing. There's been nothing on her phone, email, etc, but again it's not hard to delete messages.
So with that being said, how do I put an end to this cake eating? I know, GAL, 180s, etc. But those are slow processes. If I go ahead and file for D, I may be the one looking like a dick in the eyes of family, friends, son, etc.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
There are no quick fixes here. You are still in the mode that you can do something to fix this right now. My guess is you think filing for D will shock her out of it. In fact she would probably say thank you. Have you spoken to a lawyer?
There are no quick fixes here. You are still in the mode that you can do something to fix this right now. My guess is you think filing for D will shock her out of it. In fact she would probably say thank you. Have you spoken to a lawyer?
It's not so much to shock her out of it, but more to get some type of resolution moving. I realize it's only been a few weeks since BD though.
I have not officially spoke to a lawyer yet. An acquaintance of mine is a lawyer and we've chatted about things, but nothing major yet.
Here's what I don't want happening. I was/am about 50/50 on if I want to save the M or divorce. The last 3 weeks have been really good though. No sex or anything, but communicating, her going out of her way to do nice things, etc. I know it's probably an act. But I don't want to start getting emotionally reinvested in saving the M (because wow, look how good things have been lately. Wonder if it can be like this all the time!), only to have her proceed with the D. Not sure I'm explaining it correctly.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
