I’m coming for more advice on handling this situation. It’s the weekend so it’s filled with sports and errands etc( for H) while I am still home and resting. I have a feeling at some point I will be faced with this but he enjoys playing video games ( one in particular overwatch)as I have said in the past, and the computer is in our house. At some point I know or have a feeling he will ask to come and play. Now generally before all of this I didn’t mind obviously it’s his downtime and outlet and I don’t need to spend every second with him, but I think given Current situations it actually upsets me a bit because I keep thinking that he is just acting business as usual not doing anything to “think” or work on himself during this time and space he has asked for, and it I think makes me feel deflated because I would rather him be working on relationship. I have told him to just take the computer with him and he hasn’t. Ok so I know DB is going ro tell me to not allow it, I can’t really leave the house so I can’t make myself scarce and I am too scared to tell him no he can’t play 😔 I know I am still so new to all this but this is one thing that has my stomach in a knot. Very trivial I know but I still feel I am walking on eggshells and my relationship is hanging by a very fine thread
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Sorry just to follow on, I could be wrong but only because the 180 is fresh in my head from reading it a few days ago and sandis rules again, but I kinda feel like I need to react different to how I have? Maybe show him I don’t mind if he plays, I don’t need the attention I can busy myself in other way and be in his presence without needing attention. In my mind I thi I have to let him play if he wants and just ignore it and busy myself at hope and not say a thin and smile pleasantly. ( I am sure he is expecting me to get moody or pout
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Thankyou Mike yes I ended up stopping the “dropping” by as H wants a few weeks ago. It was too emotional for me. Now I always know when he’s coming and he always asks. Thankyou Cadet and Steve. I think for now giving myself a fixed date in my mind ( without H knowing) of when I am giving it to might be good for my own peace of mind just so I don’t keep thinking each day “ is today the day he wants to come home “ I certainly plan on GaL too when I can.
Yes I forgot to say the drop dead date is for you. Do not tell him about the date. Glad you came to that in your own.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I’m coming for more advice on handling this situation. It’s the weekend so it’s filled with sports and errands etc( for H) while I am still home and resting. I have a feeling at some point I will be faced with this but he enjoys playing video games ( one in particular overwatch)as I have said in the past, and the computer is in our house. At some point I know or have a feeling he will ask to come and play. Now generally before all of this I didn’t mind obviously it’s his downtime and outlet and I don’t need to spend every second with him, but I think given Current situations it actually upsets me a bit because I keep thinking that he is just acting business as usual not doing anything to “think” or work on himself during this time and space he has asked for, and it I think makes me feel deflated because I would rather him be working on relationship. I have told him to just take the computer with him and he hasn’t. Ok so I know DB is going ro tell me to not allow it, I can’t really leave the house so I can’t make myself scarce and I am too scared to tell him no he can’t play 😔 I know I am still so new to all this but this is one thing that has my stomach in a knot. Very trivial I know but I still feel I am walking on eggshells and my relationship is hanging by a very fine thread
Every one who comes here has a relationship hanging but a thread. Or the thread has already broken. Do not be afraid to DB because of the relationship ending. Doing things out of fear almost always brings about the thing that you fear. Do things out of strength!
That said, him coming to play the game isn't that big a deal. Just practice everything we've been telling you. He'll be immersed in the game so you be in another room doing your own thing!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sorry just to follow on, I could be wrong but only because the 180 is fresh in my head from reading it a few days ago and sandis rules again, but I kinda feel like I need to react different to how I have? Maybe show him I don’t mind if he plays, I don’t need the attention I can busy myself in other way and be in his presence without needing attention. In my mind I thi I have to let him play if he wants and just ignore it and busy myself at hope and not say a thin and smile pleasantly. ( I am sure he is expecting me to get moody or pout
Yes, this!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thankyou Steve it was funny it dawned on me about an hour after I wrote the first message that I needed to 180. I have been sort of 180 on myself since December made a lot of changes in myself and my priorities ( working less, doing more of the heavy home lifting-I worked two jobs so I am prioritising weekends now for me and the kids) even myself as a person and my approach, calmer, not nagging a lot of self reflecting and changing my ways. This is all because of the counselling I have been doing. So this is all been a huge wake up call, and now reading DB and about the 180, I think wow I need to do more on that aspect, and let my sadness and insecurity slide. I can’t control his thoughts and actions but I can sure as hell control Me. It’s funny a few weeks ago we had an amazing conversation being open sitting and discussing our situation we got nowhere because he kept saying he doesn’t want to say it’s over for good because he’s not sure and wants time to work it out. Anyway one thing I was happy about was he told me he really admired the changes I had made in myseld( then started crying) so I guess at least he noticed Anyway just a little story. Thankyou Steve to helping you are right the gaming shouldn’t bother me because I shouldn’t be seeking his attention
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
it actually upsets me a bit because I keep thinking that he is just acting business as usual not doing anything to “think” or work on himself during this time and space he has asked for, and it I think makes me feel deflated because I would rather him be working on relationship.
Just my .02 a little late,
Its not your job to worry about what HE is doing. You have been fired from that job.
Work on yourself and the posts after this one(above) are much more on the right track.
Yes move on with whatever you have to do and becoming a person that only a fool would leave. He is the fool and that will be his choice.
Thankyou Cadet I am taking everyone’s advice 😀you are far not experienced than me. And that makes so much sense. He is the fool for leaving me. I can definitely see that. Well the day/night didn’t go as planned actually but ended okay. He bought over takeaway for dinner after dropping S back from a party. I was half expecting the question on games but he didn’t even want to play or bring it up and actually sat with me and ate dinner with me and sat for about 15 minutes after initiating small talk.I was polite friendly and kept thinking “friend-zone”. He thanked me as he left for a “great night” . I didn’t think I even did anything.😂 I def slipped up a few times I know I did, hugging back when he hugged me before he left, I’m almost positive I said things that go against friend zone but it’s a work in progress Today is another day
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Today/tonight’s events again confuse me a bit. I am not reading anything into it I suppose. Had a message this morning again saying last night was fun then on to the errands etc for the day. I’m moving around a bit more so did a bit more of the household duties while H ran daughter around for her social stuff and obviously did his own thing too. He asked later in the day when he came in if he could join us again for take away. Ended up sitting with me at the table again, made some funny cheeky inside jokes then reached across when we were both laughing and squeezed my hand and smiled. Haven’t seen him look at me like that for a long time. Again not getting at all excited here. Maybe my happiness is rubbing off.
Sat with with me watching tv for a bit then D14 wanted to watch a girly movie so I cuddled up under the blankets on the couch with her to watch. He asked if he could play video games on the comp which is in the same room. I just said sure and smiled. (haha no more eye rolling or pouting like old days). Anyway he played for about 20 minutes then left but as he was leaving came over to me and D huge smile on his face hugged us both kissed us both looked happy genuinely happy, but more at us hugging watching a movie. He used to always complain I didn’t do enough for or with the kids at night or tuck them in often (and fair enough I acknowledge that but was spent from work and life and errands etc and did more for them in other ways) Again didn’t think too much of it said goodnight and off he went.
It’s hard to muffle the pain and internal hurt of thoughts in your head saying (what the F, how can you walk out that door every night when you love being here, how is this picture even ok) Anyway I kept my cool fine. I am okay now but it takes a lot of energy and might to bite my tongue and not ask “wtf is going on” when you get glimmers. I do know and can almost feel it if I say something like that he will back right away again. So I know I am on the right path but still this is hard. I don’t know how you guys handled those thoughts every night they walk out the door. Anyway another day done and who the F knows what’s going on, but I have to be okay with uncertainty.
Last edited by DnJ; 04/30/2301:47 PM. Reason: Corrected typo.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Ended up sitting with me at the table again, made some funny cheeky inside jokes then reached across when we were both laughing and squeezed my hand and smiled. Haven’t seen him look at me like that for a long time. Again not getting at all excited here. Maybe my happiness is rubbing off.
An interesting saying regarding our affect upon our spouse’s journey.
Nothing you do matters, and everything you do matters.
No one thing will make or break it. Yet, overall, one does exert some influence. That cumulative influence may not overcome their internal pressures and drive, however it does not go unnoticed. Small gentle influences, from how we live and love our life.
H is around you. And yes, happiness does rub off.
Of course, the biggest affect is upon yourself. Make those changes of self, permanent; for you are doing so for you. As said, become a woman only a fool would leave. It’s then up to H as to if he is a fool or not.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
It’s hard to muffle the pain and internal hurt of thoughts in your head saying (what the F, how can you walk out that door every night when you love being here, how is this picture even ok)
Imagine H’s internal pain. Just imagine how confused he has to be, to embrace such family time, then leave such family time.
The facade these hurt folks wear, hides what is bubbling within. Time and space. H still needs solitude to consider, to feel, to be. It’s an irrational journey he is on.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I do know and can almost feel it if I say something like that he will back right away again.
Spot on. You are correct.
H is like a timid squirrel. Fast sudden movements, trying catch him or hang on to him, and he will bolt. Being calm and basically yourself, and the squirrel is calm and becomes interested.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
Anyway I kept my cool fine. I am okay now but it takes a lot of energy and might to bite my tongue and not ask “wtf is going on” when you get glimmers.
Well done keeping calm.
Work to get to the place where those glimmers of H do not require significant energies to bite your tongue.
Originally Posted by Pattnee5
I don’t know how you guys handled those thoughts every night they walk out the door. Anyway another day done and who the F knows what’s going on, but I have to be okay with uncertainty.
I found rationalizing things helped immensely. It moved my situation towards the intellectual realm from it being fully within my emotions and hurt.
It’s about control. Those thoughts are influenced and crafted by your emotions. You can directly control your thoughts. Therefore, you can rationalize H’s behaviour and his likely internal torment(s); lessen or stop the runaway thoughts (stop sign); utilize the other directly controllable items - actions and reactions - to do other things (GAL, hobbies, etc.), which then reinforces these newly formed thoughts, which then influences your emotions. Thus, lessening the emotions which starts the whole thing.
Detachment. Not having one’s emotions or thoughts uncontrollable dragged about by our spouse’s words or behaviours.
We all seek answers and certainty. I found the answers I truly sought were actually within the uncertainty.
Fighting begets fighting. Embracing uncertainty, letting go of things that are beyond one’s control, brings peace. The more one fights against that which they truly cannot control, the more one suffers.
Answers do present themselves when one is calm.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
