The journey continues for El…

[Elbereth]

Update…

I’ve had some rough patches with my health, but things are turning around. I’ve been putting a lot of energy into getting healthy again. I’ve dropped weight, I’m getting more fit, and I’m sleeping better to name a few. I’ve been doing some traveling which also has been feeding my soul.

I am still generally not getting enough projects for work so I’ve been living off my savings. I’ve been a bit stressed about that. Yesterday I listened to a podcast that helped me to see this time from a different perspective…that this time of healing is necessary and a gift to myself. I’ve been the type who puts everyone else first, so putting myself first leads to some guilt and stress. Especially because I’m funding this myself and fear for my financial future. But I realize I need to see this time as an investment in myself that will lead to more success. The alternative might be short-term success, but not healing would catch up to me and I’d just end up paying later.

I am hopeful about dating and think I’ll join a dating site this summer. I’ve been putting myself together when going out and making effort to meet people…so I’ve been open to dating…but it’s been slow. Hard to engage with people when you are wearing masks, so I am expecting more progress now that masks are being worn less and less and we are more free to do activities. So I am excited about the possibilities. I did have one date with someone I met organically, but it was a dud. But hey, it’s practice and I put myself out there.

It’s been several months since me and my XH last communicated. And it was pretty minimal in the months before that. So this period is the longest I’ve gone without him in my life since we met. What has been interesting is that I do still miss “him”…but what I have come to realize is that it’s the person that he was when we met that I miss. And I realize that person is not real and not the person he turned out to be. I also have come to realize that I am still grieving the loss of my life and the future that I had. That I think is the part that I’m still dealing with, but at least now I’m hopeful about what is to come. I think I’m close to blossoming into a new future. I can taste it.

I recently saw some pictures of my XH on social media (I do not follow him, but because we know the same people, they sometimes show up). Anyway, he looked absolutely awful. He was a very handsome and pretty fit man and now he just looks puffy, unhealthy, and old. Has me wondering if his MR to his AP isn’t going so well. My IC said he looks like he is suffering from cortisol stress. I told her that if he is, that brought me joy…which I know is awful, but I couldn’t help myself. When someone is so selfish and has treated you with such disrespect, how can you avoid wishing them awful things? I find I still want him to suffer for what he’s done. I do not find myself wanting revenge or thinking about it constantly or anything like that, but I also can’t say it doesn’t bring me that joy when it shows up. Does that make me a terrible person?

My relationship with SSs is stable. I do my best to reach out constantly but I see them very little, but I’m just sticking to it since they are young and they are at the age where they are blossoming into life and really don’t care about family time. They have had visits with their dad and I do wonder how they feel about what’s happened, but at this point, I am waiting for them to be ready to talk about it. For now, I just keep the focus on our relationship.

Anyway, this is where I am at currently. Progress…slow but steady.

Elbereth