I don’t think your W is lying to you or herself. I think she wants to have feelings for you in the way that she had them for OM. She’s just not emotionally mature enough to realize that it’s not going happen. Unless you are willing to except this you are going to suffer immensely. You can’t put the genie back in the bottle. The innocence of your marriage was destroyed when she decided to have an affair. I think you are going to have to dig down and decide what is most important to you. Keeping your family together while waiting for the other shoe to drop? Letting her know that status quo is not working for you?
The good news is you don’t have to make that decision today or tomorrow. You’ve been given the gift of time so use it wisely.
For now I'm willing to wait for the other shoe to drop while trying to keep our family together. If d13 were 4-5 years older I might have a different view on that. It's hard when she acts like everything is ok, even initiating sex, when I feel deep down she doesn't even want to be with me. I was asked before if it would be worth going through this if eventually we wind up in a better R than before. It is worth it, just have my doubts we will get there. Another thing I haven't mentioned is that she drinks too much, in my opinion. That's when she seems "happy" to be here. I have no problem with drinking, having a Summer Shandy while I type this. I think she is using alcohol to make things feel better. I've talked to her before about my concerns, didn't change anything.
