Thankyou Kind and Steve. I certainly needed that lesson right there. Now come to think of it why did I apologise the truth does hurt.I’m def overthinking everything right now. I feel like I take a step forward with boundaries and then go backward. I guess it’s part of the process. So engaging too much should I just ignore him If we cross paths in the house or not listen or talk about his work if he opens conversation? I am not a fan of cake eating that’s for sure 😂this is a mess. I am also so torn if I should take my rings off. He removed his the day he moved out and still dangles on his key ring. It hurt so much and he had no answer as to why he removed them. I’ve Kept mine on because he is saying he’s not sure and I am trying to show I am committed and will not take them off until we are done for good. But now I feel that’s all agains DB and maybe I need to mirror his action
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
Wearing your rings or not, is your choice. Sound reasons can be made for either approach. However, in the end it matters not. Wearing or not wearing your wedding ring is not going to be the thing that fixes the situation.
DBing is not mirroring his actions. Sometimes that happens, yet the mirroring is not the underlying reason. In the case of wedding rings, I recommend doing what you want to do. You presently want to wear them, so do so. If you feel like removing them, that’s ok too. And don’t fret, you can even put them back on.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
You and I are alike in some ways in what we have gone though/are going through, as well as nice tendencies. Kind, Steve, and DJ hit the nail on the head. Don’t be nice, don’t be concerned with his circus, don’t apologize when he reacts to the truth and the bed he has made. Be who you need to be. Rally the support and focus on yourself to heal and be strong and let reality show up in his face.
Do you have any extended family or friends who are on your side and the side of faithful marriage that can help out during your convalescing or help him cook in the kitchen while you rest and focus on yourself and your recovery?
Thankyou Kind and Steve. I certainly needed that lesson right there. Now come to think of it why did I apologise the truth does hurt.I’m def overthinking everything right now. I feel like I take a step forward with boundaries and then go backward. I guess it’s part of the process. So engaging too much should I just ignore him If we cross paths in the house or not listen or talk about his work if he opens conversation? I am not a fan of cake eating that’s for sure 😂this is a mess. I am also so torn if I should take my rings off. He removed his the day he moved out and still dangles on his key ring. It hurt so much and he had no answer as to why he removed them. I’ve Kept mine on because he is saying he’s not sure and I am trying to show I am committed and will not take them off until we are done for good. But now I feel that’s all agains DB and maybe I need to mirror his action
Opinions vary on the rings. I am of the opinion that they should stay on until the day you are no longer married.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thankyou Kind and Steve. I certainly needed that lesson right there. Now come to think of it why did I apologise the truth does hurt.I’m def overthinking everything right now. I feel like I take a step forward with boundaries and then go backward. I guess it’s part of the process. So engaging too much should I just ignore him If we cross paths in the house or not listen or talk about his work if he opens conversation? I am not a fan of cake eating that’s for sure 😂this is a mess. I am also so torn if I should take my rings off. He removed his the day he moved out and still dangles on his key ring. It hurt so much and he had no answer as to why he removed them. I’ve Kept mine on because he is saying he’s not sure and I am trying to show I am committed and will not take them off until we are done for good. But now I feel that’s all agains DB and maybe I need to mirror his action
Ignoring is not what you are going for. You want to listen and validate. You want to treat him the way you would the cashier at the grocery store. You listen. You answer direct questions (but only in short sentences). And you are polite, kind, and upbeat. But you don't ask questions. You do not start the conversations. And you do not share the way you would when you were married to him. Remember, short answers to his questions.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thankyou to all of you. Makes sense.rings stay on because I am not done yet, and they come off for me when it’s over. To me they are of importance and I am not done with the marriage yet even thoughw he can take them off and on Willy nilly. Thankyou for clarifying the ignoring vs detaching(disengaging). I def have alot of family and friends and support I am a very social person so I can fill my social needs without him. I’m up to Step 5 in experiment and monitor in DR. So far so good I set myself some goals. I’m thoroughly enjoying this book so much. Very eye opening. I also liked Steve’s approach of a date in my mind. I had a friend here for coffee this morning who was talking about one of her friends whose husband did something similar and walked out. She was a mess etc went through all the same roller coaster I did then decided on a date in mind of 6 months, treated him amicably and I guess a lot of GAL and they would occasionally dine together. At the 6 month mark she told him then and there he had to make a choice now and he decided he wanted to go home. And together now to this day 5 years later( I think they were of similar age when it happens to me and H) so I think hearing these really does help build my strength. I’m good today my emotions are in tact. My mind does buzz a lot from time to time but I am good😁 this forum is something I look forward to every day. I’ll keep reading the book, I also have DB on kindle and will read that too. Knowledge is power and I keep thinking what DnJ said about Believing none of what he says and half of what he does. This is really something I keep focusing on each time I think back to hurtful things that he said in the last few months. So I think for now I am giving my 6 month mark since moving out as mid September. At that point I’ll see how I am feeling and decide if I bring it up or if I need more time. I’ll need to keep positing here guys I am sorry I kinda need someone to hold my hand through this and make sure I’m on the right path and doing things right. For now I am reading DR, trying not to initiate anything, staying well clear of the “I love you” and let’s have relationship talks, I’ll organise my life around me and the kids and do stuff with them when I’m up and about again( and not include or invite him), organised a few social gatherings too coming up and once I recover I am going to start running again and see if I can train for a half marathon by october( I’ve done it before in a 12 week period so I’m sure I can do it again) I’ve always been a super fit and active person and I tell you one positive in this was the weight loss( the “husband leaves you” diet as I tell my friends). I think he has always been a bit jealous of me and my positive and determined mindset he always said he was a bit jealous. I guess the age thing may now be playing on his mind alot (me 42 him 48) 🤷🏼♀️ Thankyou all so much for your help let me know any other tips. Should I read the Solo Partner?? My next book on my nightstand is away from everything marriage and is David Goggins “can’t hurt me” So far I have my relationship goals and now have my own personal goals. Today I feel good🥲
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
He just said his emotions and is head is all a mess and he doesn’t know what he wants, and I guess someone who has bottled stuff up for so many years and never learnt to talk is struggling with it
He IS confused, that part is true. Just remember that you need your own boundaries too.
Remember to believe nothing he says and half of what he does.
Start living for you, you are not waiting for him - that is not going to work.
After W moved out she would drop in almost daily just like she still lived there. It made things very hard, especially when she would leave to go see om. I finally told her that she couldn’t just drop in unannounced. She became angry and said it is still my house. I agreed and said she was free to visit anytime as long as she let me know first. That allowed me time to either leave or become busy. Mowing, cleaning the garage, etc. Maybe that can work for you as well. Good luck.
Thankyou Mike yes I ended up stopping the “dropping” by as H wants a few weeks ago. It was too emotional for me. Now I always know when he’s coming and he always asks. Thankyou Cadet and Steve. I think for now giving myself a fixed date in my mind ( without H knowing) of when I am giving it to might be good for my own peace of mind just so I don’t keep thinking each day “ is today the day he wants to come home “ I certainly plan on GaL too when I can.
M:41 H:48 T:20. M:16.5 BD: 15/12/22 -moved out 17/3/2023
