Learning the ropes

[DnJ]

Good Morning MA

Advice needed on whether I've completely messed up

You did really well.

To me it sounds like, sure your emotions were involved - that’s completely normal and human after all, especially when he showed up unannounced and you are unprepared - and you remained calm and spoke with rationale.

How should I have managed today & how bad are the mistakes I've made?

Firstly, I don’t believe it to be a mistake. Your conversation, the things you said, spot on. And secondly, you managed the day’s unexpected triggering rather well. You calmly stated how he’s hurt you and broke his word yet again. Then clearly stated your position in a business-like manner.

Basically, you let him go. You care enough to let him go. Gave him his freedom to do with it what he will. That’s not pushing him out the door, nor trying to hold on to him.

I'm sat here thinking about the exchange & worrying that I've pushed him away.

I genuinely think he wasn't expecting how I've been today & I worry it will have driven him more towards her.

I’m pretty sure H did not expect your response. And when you did state your position and disentangled yourself from his mess, even for that first initial moment, H went right back to he cares about you but he has strong feelings for OW. He tried to lure back in, and still justify what he is doing. Lots of times the stuff after “but” is trying to justify what one is doing. They know it’s wrong or lesser than correct “but” for reason(s) I can’t help myself or stop myself or whatever. Well done, not letting him push your buttons.

This exchange with H is kind of new territory. A bit boundary, a bit standing up to him, a whole lot of letting go. Worrying if you did right or ok is a normal response upon such reflection. Do limit your reenforcing of such worrying. Let that feeling flit. You did fine.

The sensible part of me says so what if it has, I didn't have him anyway, the situation is no different but it somehow feels like it is. It’s those pesky feelings again!

I love how you see the rational and the emotion paths here. Yes, the rational part of you - I agree it’s the sensible part, which I find amusing when looking at myself, I have sensible and less sensible reactions, desires, dreams, hopes, and such. Anyhow, the sensible part of you knows and even says “so what”. If he wants to go, so be it. You know you cannot force him to be with you, and wouldn’t really want him in that manner anyhow. You deserve better.

It somehow feels different because it is. Your intellectual path and your emotional path have become more lined up. And as one’s four paths - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual - become more and more aligned, one’s life becomes more and more peaceful and content.

what do I do next?

Let go of H. Give him to God.

H has to traverse his journey.

I would suspect you will detach and find indifference. Do be aware and cautious, other feeling will loom large, will feel stronger, in the void of the numbness that once held such love and almost desperation for reconciliation and hope and such. Don’t make decisions upon such illusionary strengths.

Indifference does unwind. Feelings do return. Much better and much clearer when one does their inner processing and work. And indifference is a wonderful opportunity to do that free from the noise and commotion of our spouse and their antics.

What inner work? Beliefs. Values. Convictions.

Discover those. Strengthen that which serves. Craft that which you aspire to. And alter or discard that which does not serve.

That is the landscape of the spiritual path. One’s deeply held motivations for what and why they do. The convictions and values of your life.

The spiritual path is not necessarily meaning religious. It can, however that’s not a requisite. It’s the beliefs of one’s self. Beliefs that are slow to change and provide the underpinning or foundation for one’s life. Getting that organized and known/understood provides a solid foundation for everything.

There will also be grief. You have been experiencing bargaining. The last ditch efforts to feel that “old” normal. Letting go will bring some more anger. And it will usher in depression.

Withdrawal will also be another necessary milestone to work through.

So, no pressure.

Just keep moving forward and do what you’re doing.

Things become more standing for you, rather than standing for H or M. So it’s a really wise idea to know what you stand for.

Remember, you’ve got the gift of time. Use it wisely.

Have a great day.

D