I’m still so lost

[Pattnee5]

I kinda messed up tonight. Just when I feel I take one step forward I take three back. I’ve been getting through DR (what a great book I feel like he needs to read the first few chapter)
And reading forums on validating and even pursuer and distance.
I’ve been good with the validating, listening to small talk about work being supportive with my words and genuinely interested. Tonight he came to make dinner for us (again I am still out of action) and I was feeling really flat and crape emotions in overload I think due to Oxycodone I had taken for pain. We cooked together, made jokes etc. as I said he has still been very affectionate hugging and kissing me when he arrives and leaves, small touches, hugs so caring. I am trying not to initiate it ( the pursuer and distancer isn’t going too great) but of course when he does it then I naturally fall back into habits of doing it too. We were always affectionate like that. It feels second nature I know MISTkAKE 1 😔
Having dinner together making small talk he made a comment related to not sleeping well due to wind and where he is staying, I stupidly said “your bed is still here next to me when you’re ready to come home” with a smile, and he joked about “let’s swap for the night”(it was a joke) this is where I messed up by saying “I’m not the one who walked out” and his face just changed and I regretted it straight away. I felt so bad my mouth said what I was thinking which was true but cruel.
I found him tidying up and apologised instantly which he accepted, hugged me and said it made him angry to which I said it was terrible to say I am trying to think before I talk but I am hurt and I don’t know how this is going to play out, and he just said neither did he.
He left shortly after and proceeded to come to me for a hug goodbye. I feel so bad for mouthing off, even though it’s true. I don’t know if the anger was more within himself because it’s true.
I don’t know how to play this dance. Obviously I have a lot of contact with him and see him daily until I go back to work and become more mobile. But how do you deal with the general chit chat and small talk and him wanting to discuss his day. I am trying to be open and validate when I can and be caring and FRIENDZONE him as much as possible but it is still hard when I slip up like tonight with my emotion overload. Do I still make small talk? Or just let him even start conversations, initiate contact. I don’t mind the affections the hugs ( as sad as they are and confusing) he has no idea what he wants and how this plays out. But it almost seems like he’s doing nothing to figure it out either other than work work work.
Do I need to do more distance/pursuer? Omg this is tough.