Hello everybody, i am a newbie and i want to tell my whole story so that i can receive the best advise ever if its better to just let go completly and move forward.
WW (30) Left March 12 asking for divorce right away for OP (57) WW was a cheerful Christian Wife liked to go out at nights to have fun with me however she is really clingy and seems to have anxious attachment issues.
I saw the red flags for about 1 month however i was one of the ones that overlooked because i never thought she would fall for a 27 years older hippie that lives beyond the line of poverty lives on selling Pot with no confortable situation, atheist, bitter, nagging, jelous and controlling i know the guy BTW.
Me im totally the opposite im not jelous, have a great Job live confortably, outgoing however i will accept that i took her for granted and also was verbally abusive to her and also emotionally neglected her plus financial issues we had due to the pandemic, it was a time bomb now that i was honest to myself.
Since she left like after 15 days she started bread crumbing by message saying things personal to us and also asking for small business advise she owned a cafeteria which was her life long dream however lost it the middle of the affair, she lost friends and its hiding the situation from everybody she actually keep my pictures on IG, the only ones that know completely even the fact she is living in such poor conditions are very few, i asked her to leave me alone after 20 days and she started saying she loved me and [censored] up blah blah blah, told me she suffered to the fact i was not jealous OMG and how i was the smartest and i was a great person, then she pulled back.
5 days later is aksed for divorce and she started using all type of excuses and asked me to not abandon her in the middle of this situation she put herself in again loved me but she left feeling she did not loved me anymore almost a Cliche however said again i was the best ever happened to her yet she pulled away again.
5 days later I reminded her about divorce and she started saying beatiful things about me and this time even badmouthed the AP and told me she knew they had no future but she felt happy for the first time in a while, saying a lot of red flags he has however i see her minimzing them but they were huge red flags, Jelous, controlling and violent and she thinks he does cocaine know.
April 20 i was tired already of not seeing any breakthrough i am really impatient and finally told her, listen i will pay divorce mysels cause i find repulsive to the fact she was keeping our house keys while leaving with a Criminal and second i was repulsed by the fact she is sleeping with a guy like that by being married to me and in my Country if she gets pregnant the baby will have my last names and i will be responsible for the baby idiotic but cant do anything against the law, she again even when i told her i would pay for it she looked for excuses, finally she agreed.
April 22nd she asked to talk to me but finally back off and i did not sai anything until then i have not asked for her to come back however i have been talking and providing her emotional suppor as most good guys.
April 24th she asked to have a conversation before signing so we talk about an hour in which she grabbed my hands and told me she hated the decisions but she need to do it, probably to don't feel dirty as she said, she again recalled she loved me but its a cycle that need to be closed, this time however i did told her if she was sure cause divorce would be the end, i made 3 mistakes back that day, gave her the chance to repent which i knew she wouldn't as its deep in the fog, badmouthed AP however were the same thing she told me herself, and then i did hold her while she was signing and crying and kiss her head, finally we signed, she kept writing to me that day and asked me to forgive her, she pulled back and anyway i was not thinking in to keep this game, trying to detach cause i see her as a figure to protect and in her situation has been hard cause we both live far away from our families and besides AP and her new hippie drug dealing friends is he only one here that knows. any insight on what i could do to snap her out and make sure she is at least safe at her parents house instead of the place she is, i really don't think the Fog would last long in this conditions as she cannot even sustain her and OP is broke, not even a washing machine home, i have not helped her at all just allowed her to took some small appliances, she seems to be regaining control of her life again started cooking for business and is hanging out more with her new friends i think Affair should be ending soon however resentment and the emotional part i saw it there myself the lack of forgiveness towards myself and also OP keeps her on a pedestal and she says he makes her feel happy, any advise?
Last edited by DnJ; 04/27/2312:56 PM. Reason: Corrected typos.
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Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you a lot, i hope the vets can reply and give an isight on her behaviour and besides GAL and 180 which i have been doing, no kids involved fortunately which should make easier to move on.
Pablomon, sorry but unfortunately your situation is a common tale. You ask if there is anything you can do to snap her out of it. The answer is no.
You seem to be putting a lot of hope in the affair ending soon. You shouldn't. You are putting your life on hold hoping to be her safety net. That is neither worthy of respect nor is it attractive. Even if it did end and she came back, she'd not respect you and affair #2 would be on the horizon. So please just don't dwell on the likelihood of her coming back and just focus on yourself, and moving your own life forward. Also, I feel like you saw her dragging her feet on the divorce as a sign she didn't want one. Likely she was just scared of completely losing her meal-ticket. We see this all the time, LBSs, especially WWs want to keep the LBS around as their safety net.
So yes 180s to become the best version of yourself you can be, GAL like a madman, and working on detachment (I feel you are still really emotionally attached to her), are your best ways forward.
That's my advice for you. And be glad you got her to sign before she got pregnant, and be glad you have no children with her. You are in a much better position than most LBSs.
One last thing, funny you put your hopes in the fact that you are better than OM. 99% of cheaters affair down. LBSs often think that because the OP is not a good option that you have a chance of "winning". The problem with that logic is that the OM, no matter how big of a loser he is, has the one thing she is currently looking for. He's not you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Anyway, and there are much smarter people here than I am, I think you should cut all contact with her. Let her stew in the mess she made, while you are living your best life. She won't 'snap out of it' until her world comes crashing down, and/or she sees what she gave up (you) for this loser.
Married: 15yrs Ages: Me 49, W 44 Kids: S12 BD: around 4/14
Thanks for the reply, yes i am emotionally attached to her but making an effort to let go, i have not helped her with money but i have talked to her about personal issues which i already draw a boundarie on that, i am working on being my best, today going out with friends but not easy.
I am really good finacially she is living below poverty line as we speak.
I signed divorce papers and i am not enabling anything myself removed her from my personal account and got her to sign a really good deal for me, however i am still emotionally attached and its hard to let go, doing NC but only 3 days as we speak after signing divorce, she keeps sniffing my social media but i am letting her clean all the mess.
I live close to the beach and constantly going out and have fun without becoming a mess either nor faking it on my posts as i have not upload any clubbing or going out dont want to look fake either but trying to have fun however in the middle of this mess.
BTW her world is crashing down already, moneyless, with debt, loss her business, loss her marriage, loss all the friends we had as they sided with me, family lives 5 hours away from us and they dont know what she is up to, she just keep saying he treats her good and thats all she is getting as he is not financially helping her either and she is not asking her family for aid as they are not aware neither i want to make them aware as she seems to bad mouthed me first before leaving.
