I’m still so lost

[Pattnee5]

Thankyou so much MA. Much appreciated and honestly I am reading Eve try thing and taking everything on board. And of course kicking myself when I muck up. But I’m on here morning and night and reading older threads and re-reading Sandi’s rules and just trying to drum it in through my loved up head 😀😀. And thank goodness for the folk in this forum that have walked this path and their brutal honesty. I am venting on here but I need to be held accountable for when my dumb brain gets all schmoopy and think I need to love my way back to reconcile.
There’s been some huge positives already for me even just in the month apart. As angry as I get that he gets this freedom in the evenings and overnight while im holding down the fort, it’s been actually great to not have to have the nights of being lonely because he would rather shoot zombies online while drinking beer. At least now I’m expecting the loneliness 😀😂. And it’s actually quite relaxing. I have “nagged” I guess for so long now how much I hated the drinking especially in front of S12 and D14 especially weeknights such a [censored] example. So at least that’s completely gone now too 😂. I’ll take all small wins.
I’ll keep reading and re reading. I might keep coming on daily to post and ask advice. Haven’t finished DR just yet but hopefully the next few days. The hardest part now is having to recover from major surgery( yep just when life couldn’t get any worse I needed all my girly bits removed) so I am pretty much couch bound on a lot of pain meds. But that’s how I stumbled on this forum and on the book and I have this gut feeling now finally that everything is going to be ok and I am going to be ok regardless. I have my down moments and think badly too, but I think once I can walk again and move again I will feel better. I plan to take up running again and want to try and do a half marathon by October.( I’ve done it once before 2 years ago). My life isn’t remaining on hold just because he wants to remain in his rut. The hardest part as a female is controlling our emotions and hormones and man some days are bad.and some days my patience wears things and I miss the stability and security of love and am even scared as to if he returns how can I not be scared of this ever again. It’s all such a mess right now but I am trying as best as I can
My biggest thing is my self reflection and realising a lot of things I did wrong and owning up to them when we last had a relationship talk. I aknowlege and I apologise and express remorse and some stuff I didn’t even realise were an issue, now having the space and clarity I can see how my action came across bad. So it’s def been eye opening to take a step back and look at how I really stuffed up my half in this too. Self reflection is scary and it [censored] 😀😀